10/31/15: I Don’t Have to Work this Weekend!

Days of abstinence: 38

Days until surgery: 46 

Weight:  162.2 pounds

It’s been a while, a long while, since I had an entire weekend off.  The timing is good since we have a lot of family coming to town in less than two weeks for what is turning out to be a family reunion.  We will have quite the crowd here and we need the time to get the house in order.  We have a back bedroom that we don’t use for anything and it’s full of stuff that never made its way into the basement.  Today and tomorrow there will be a lot of organizing going on.  I am also way behind on my filing.  It’ll be good to get caught up today.

I’m still feeling great about my program. I bought the Whole30 book last weekend and made a few new recipes from it last week and they were all good.  It was nice having something different to eat.  I think I might make the chicken cacciatore for the kids while they’re here.  It was really good.  I’ll try some more new recipes this week. 

As my weight inches closer to the 150s I am feeling more confident that I will at least be close to my goal weight of 150 prior to surgery.  I can already feel subtle changes starting to happen that are hard to describe but they are the things that make the difference between feeling overweight and feeling like I am the right weight.  I noticed this the last time I was getting close to 150, too.  It always seemed so arbitrary to me that based on my BMI (I am 5’6” tall) I am considered overweight at anything over 154 pounds, until I reached 154 pounds.   When I am between 150 and 155 pounds I don’t feel like I am carrying around extra weight.  It feels like I am the weight I am supposed to be.  When I am in that range I don’t want to be thinner.  I wish I could describe why that weight feels right to me, but it is little things, like my breasts don’t feel heavy any more.  They’re all droopy and yucky (we’re going to fix that!) but they don’t feel too heavy.  In spite of not being able to describe why it feels like the right weight, I can tell I’m getting closer to it by the way my body feels to me.  It’s not about the way I look, I can’t really see a few pounds in the mirror, it’s really about the way my body feels.  I’m getting there, one pound at a time and that is a very satisfying feeling.

This is satisfying.  It gives me a lot of confidence to be 38 days into abstinence and know that I will never eat sugar again.  It also gives me a lot of confidence that I am 38 days into the Whole30 and know that I will stay On Program until I have recovered from surgery.  There is no doubt in my mind, none at all, that this is the healthiest food program I have ever been on.  You just have to look at my plates of food to know that this makes sense.  Breakfast is eggs and half a plate of veggies and a small bowl of fruit.  Lunch is chicken or beef or pork (all locally raised, pen free, antibiotic free, etc.), a bunch of veggies and an apple.  Dinner is just like lunch (that would be because lunch is leftover dinners).  There are no snacks.  I drink water and coffee.  Coffee is limited to one French press potful (about 2 ½ cups) a day.  The Whole30 is considered an elimination diet because it does eliminate certain foods from your diet, but it doesn’t feel like an elimination diet to me.  In fact, it bothers me when it is described as an elimination diet. 

When I think "elimination diet" I think of something like Atkins, which removes virtually all carbs from your diet and completely alters the way your body fuels itself by forcing your body into lipolysis or ketosis.  I just read a brief article on the Atkins website and it talks a lot about how being in ketosis is natural and is the most efficient way to lose weight.  This may be true, I have done no scientific studies on ketosis and the impact being in ketosis has on the body.  What I have done is the Atkins diet (and many, many other diets) and when I was on Atkins I felt terrible.  Not only did my breath stink, I had no energy.  I went on a short bike ride when I was about 3 weeks into an Atkins diet and just about fell off my bike.  I was losing weight, but I didn’t feel good.   A diet like Atkins stresses eating proteins and fats and severely limiting carbohydrates.

The Whole30 does not do that.  In fact, the Whole30 is exactly the opposite.  It encourages moderate amounts of protein, lots of veggies (including starchy, carbohydrate rich veggies like potatoes), and healthy fats.  What it discourages is anything manufactured in a factory.  It does eliminate a long list of foods, but these are all foods that some people (not all people) have a sensitivity to, in one way or another.  The Whole30 is designed to allow adding back some of these foods to your diet after the initial 30 days.  The thing is, I can’t quite figure out why I would want to do that, except out of convenience.  I don’t need or want to add back any of the foods for the purpose of our day-to-day home cooked meals.  The recipes I have and that I can find on the internet are delicious and satisfying and I have no need or desire to cook with any of the foods that aren’t allowed on the Whole30.  On the other hand, it is very difficult to eat at a restaurant and find food that you know, without a doubt, is Whole 30 compliant.  If you decide to do the Whole30, for the first 30 days it is easier if you can just avoid eating out.  So the convenience factor comes in when I think about the rest of my life.  I’ll always have to avoid restaurant salad dressings, as they almost always contain sugar.  But it is fun to eat out every now and then.  It takes a little fun out of eating out when you have to dissect the menu and quiz your server about every ingredient in every dish (which is why you might as well just eat at home for the first 30 days of your program).  Something might sound perfect and then you find out it has peas in it.  Nope, not Whole30 compliant.  Or you might want to order the crab cakes, but then you realize they are made with bread crumbs.  Nix that.  Until such a time that someone opens a Whole30 restaurant, eating out and staying on program will be a difficult (though not impossible) thing to do.  I think after February 1^st, I’ll start allowing myself to enjoy a night out every now and then, and not worry about hidden off Program foods.  I’ll always make choices that are primarily Whole30 compliant.  For example, pasta dishes are out forever, but I won’t stress over eating a chicken dish that is cooked with red wine. 

I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel confident.  This is a nice way to live.  I feel like I am making choices rationally, not succumbing to cravings or falling victim to my addiction.  I am not beating myself up about my food choices or about how much I weigh.  I am not measuring my food, counting calories, or fussing about little choices.  I’m cooking healthy meals, eating three times a day, and that’s that.  It feels so natural.  My body and my brain are happy on this plan.  It just plain works for me (and my husband!).

I guess I better sign off.  I have a lot to do today.

Have a beautiful day! 

10/30/15: Sleep! It Does the Body Good!

Days of abstinence: 37

Days until surgery: 47 

Weight:  162.4 pounds

We post-bowled last night because the Royals game on Wednesday took precedence over bowling league.  The nice thing about post-bowling is that it goes a lot fast than league bowling, so we were home before 9:00 last night.  I went straight to bed when we got home and had a good, solid night’s sleep.  I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because it was cold in the house, but that’s the only reason I didn’t want to get up.  I woke up slightly before the alarm went off and felt well rested and ready to go. 

The other bit of good news (it feels like good news to me, anyway) is that the deadline for the project that I have been working on 24/7 for the last couple of months got pushed out by a week or two.  This is good news to me because 99% of the work I needed to do is complete and at this point the ball is in other people’s courts.  That means I don’t have to work this weekend and, for the most part, my really ridiculous schedule of 10-14 hour days, 7 days a week, is done.  I need one more early morning (this morning) to finish a financial model I am working on for a meeting today, but after that, I think reasonable 10 hour days, 6 day weeks, will get me through the rest of this crunch time.  I should be able to manage that, cook all the food I need to cook (that is the only chore I’ve been able to maintain through all this), exercise regularly (I haven’t had time to exercise all week – and that is bad), and get enough sleep.  I am going to enjoy having a schedule that resembles normalcy.  Oh yeah, and there are a maximum of 4 ballgames left, with 2 potential ballgames being at home on Tuesday and Wednesday next week.  I am hoping that we don’t need a game 6 or a game 7, but if we do come home to play ball, I feel confident that we will have had at least one win in New York and our Royals and Johnny Cueto will finish them off on Tuesday.  I’m putting my money on the assumption that Johnny will come out ready to roll for game 6, just like he did for game 2.  That will be the last game of the season for him and after that he is on the market.  If he clinches the World Series for the Royals after the huge clinching game 5 of the ALDS and the huge game 2 of the World Series, I think he can name his price.  If he implodes in game 6 like he did in Toronto, he will still get a decent contract, but I think it will impact his marketability.  I’m no expert, but from what I’ve noticed I believe that when Johnny really wants it, he gets it.  He’ll want that win in game 6 as much or more than anyone else in Kansas City.  Despite all that, I’m still hoping a game 6 is unnecessary.

My food program is as solid as solid can be.  It feels as if there is very little to talk about when it comes to food these days.  I’m On Program and have no desire to eat or drink anything off program.  The only thing I kind of want sometimes is another cup of coffee when I get to work.  Honestly, I think that is just a security blanket kind of thing.  There is something reassuring about having a hot cup of coffee on my desk.  But I am avoiding coffee at work, altogether, and once the urge passes I am fine. 

This morning I found myself wondering what foods and drinks I have given up forever, in addition to sugar and sugar substitutes.  I don’t know the answer to that question.  I know that I am staying 100% On Program until February 1^st (I just picked that date, but it makes sense, that gives me 6 weeks of recovery after surgery with what I consider to be an optimal diet), but after February 1^st will I want to eat or drink off program foods?  I have no idea.  Sugar, sugar substitutes, and sweet treats have been eliminated from my diet forever.  But what about bread, wine, legumes, oatmeal, quinoa, rice and other such foods that are currently eliminated from my diet that are not sugar?  This is the quandary:  I feel great right now, 37 days into the Whole30, in spite of a ridiculous work load and not getting enough sleep or exercise.  I attribute that to my diet.  Why would I want to feel less good than I feel right now?  This is the second time that I have done the Whole30.  It made me feel just as good last time I did it.  Then I slowly let non-program foods slip into my diet.  The shift was subtle, but the decline in my wellbeing became noticeable.  Why then, would I change anything?  I like the food I’m eating, I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I can maintain my weight easily, eating like this.  It’s as if this program causes my body to be able to self-regulate food consumption at an optimum level.  It really is amazing.  Why on earth would I change a thing?  I have no idea.  But, this sounds so stupid but there is a “but,” it is easy to imagine being at a restaurant for a special occasion and eating a piece of bread or drinking a glass of wine.  I have no idea why I would want to do that, but I can imagine myself wanting to do that.  This is the sort of thing I need to think about.  I do know this, I am not addicted to bread or wine, I am addicted to sugar.  Therefore I must abstain from sugar for life but I don’t feel like a must abstain from other off program foods for life.  I will want to get this figured out before February 1^st.

I’ve got to run. 

Have a beautiful day.

10/29/15: The Royals are off to New York With a 2-0 Lead in the Series!

Days of abstinence: 36

Days until surgery: 48 

Weight:  162.4 pounds

Wow!  What a season it has been!  We may or may not get to go to another Royals baseball game this year, depending on whether or not the Royals can win two games in New York.  Worst case scenario, they come back to Kansas City for game 6 and maybe game 7.  It be fun to get to go to another ball game, but this fan wants them to win in New York.  Go Royals!

For my last month of ball games, I’ve been packing my good and water so that I would not be tempted to eat or drink off plan.  In fact, one of the last off plan days I had was at the ball park.  Now that I am 36 days into abstinence, I don’t find myself wishing I could eat or drink off program when I’m at a game.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  Yesterday, when we arrived, I felt a sense of relief that I would not be tempted by any of the food and drink.  We’re there to watch a ball game, after all, not eat dinner or get drunk.  It works just fine to pack food and water.  I sure feel better the next day for it.  And weigh less, too!

Speaking of weighing less, I am super pleased that I have started losing weight again.  I’ll be back in the 150s before I know it.  That will feel like a victory, even though at 159 I’ll still be 9 pounds from goal.  Being in the 150s just feels good.  I am glad that I am getting close.

Have a beautiful day!

10/28/15: No Time to Blog

Days of abstinence: 35

Days until surgery: 49 

Weight:  163.0 pounds

No time to blog.  I'm already at work at 6:30AM.  The Royals won in 14 innings last night and I did not get to bed until 1:15AM or so.  I'm one tired puppy.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day!

10/27/2015: Big Ball Game Tonight!

Days of abstinence: 34

Days until surgery: 50 (My countdown got off by a day somewhere.  There are really 50 days left)

Weight:  163.0 pounds

It’s a relief to see the scale moving in the right direction again.  I’ve been consistently more disciplined about not eating any fruit & nut snacks, eating dinner a little earlier, and eating more green veggies.  These were very small changes to my diet, but they seem to have made a difference between losing weight and not losing weight.  There are moments in the day that I want to eat, not a craving exactly, but I get a vague sense that I feel like eating even though I am not particularly hungry.  Usually it goes away when I get up from my desk for a few minutes, get a fresh glass of water, and decompress before getting back to my job.  If it doesn’t pass and it’s within an hour or so of my normal meal time, I go ahead and eat my lunch or dinner.  Yesterday, I ate dinner at around 4:00, for example.  That was fine.  I didn’t get hungry before bed.  I imagine my biorhythms are a little off from all the late night baseball and long days at the office.  I’m looking forward to post-postseason baseball season and getting this deal in the bag.  Funny that both are supposed to happen in the same week.

We are going to the first game of the World Series tonight!  I am so happy for Jack.  I have developed a real liking of the game of baseball and I am a Royals fan, but I am happiest for my husband.  Going to a Royals’ World Series game has been a dream of his since he was a boy.  It is awesome to see him so happy.  Now the Boys in Blue need to do one more thing for me, well, four more things.  They need to win four of the next seven ball games they play.  That’s all.  Just four more ball games.  Please.  Thank you very much!

Food could be an issue today.  We are leaving the house at 3:00, the game starts at 7:00 and who knows when it will end.  I am packing a dinner and taking it into the park with me.  I am usually OK with eating before we leave, but we are leaving so early, that really is not an option this time.  I am packing roasted chicken and veggies and an apple.  I’ll eat them cold around 6:00 and I should be fine.  Everyone else can eat a hotdog or chicken tenders and fries.  I’ll eat my roasted chicken.  So, even though food could be an issue today, it won’t be an issue.

I bought the Whole30 book the other day.  This is a different book than It Starts With Food, which is the book that introduced me to the Whole30.  If I had to choose between the Whole30 book and It Starts With Food, I’d choose It Starts With Food.  It contains a much more succinct explanation of why certain foods are eliminated from the program.  I bought the Whole30 primarily for the recipes and as a reinforcement.  There are many, many pages in the book that I will not read, but I found some of the chapters interesting/reinforcing.  A lot of the book part of the book is information I just don’t need now that I am 33 days into my 2^nd Whole30.  I used the cookbook portion of the Whole30 this weekend, though.  I ate the first meal from it yesterday, Banger Sausage Patties with mashed sweet potatoes and green beans.  It was really good.  In spite of being excessively busy right now, it was fun to try some new recipes.  Today I am trying to decide between the stuffed peppers and chicken cacciatore for lunch.  They both look really good.  It reminds me that this is not a program of deprivation, but a program of planning. 

OK, I have to run.  I have a project that needs to be done in a few hours and I am not sure where to start.  I hope I have an inspiration on my way to work!  I have to leave the office at 2:30 today, after all!

Have a beautiful day!!

10/26/2015: Progress

Days of abstinence: 33

Days until surgery: 50

Weight:  163.4 pounds

I have no time to blog.  I worked full days both days this weekend and I am back at it this morning.  But I had to put up a quick post because I am so pleased that my weight continues to go down.  I have made a conscious choice to not eat any snacks.  I am no longer bringing an extra apple to work and I don’t eat any nuts between meals.  I think that’s helping.  It’s nice to see the progress.

Have a beautiful day!!

10/25/2015: This Is Personal

Days of abstinence: 32

Days until surgery: 51

Weight:  164.0 pounds

My dad’s 80^th birthday was yesterday.  We had a big celebration earlier this summer when the whole family gathered in Truckee, CA for a week (or less, depending on how much time each family member could be there) of games, good meals, and visiting.  It was a great celebration in a wonderful location.  Yesterday, I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday and we talked about our respective Programs.  Dad retired from the World Bank when he was 55 years old.  I can’t even imagine retiring at 55, but he did retire at 55 and has been retired ever since then.  This is important because prior to retiring he lived a very unhealthy lifestyle.  He drank a lot, smoked even more, ate too much and ate crappy food.  He was a weekend warrior on the tennis court, but didn’t exercise regularly.  He traveled a lot, didn’t sleep regularly, and had an erratic schedule.  While working for the bank he tried to quit smoking several times and was never successful.  When he retired (I like to say it was the day he retired, but I am not sure that is true) he decided to quit smoking for good, and he did just that.  I don’t think he has had a cigarette in 25 years, but that may not be true.  There may have been a cigarette here and there in the early years of quitting, but I don’t know.  What I do know is that Dad is now, and has been for a very long time, a non-smoker.  He didn’t just change his smoking habit, though.  He changed his eating and drinking habits, as well.  To be succinct, my dad is now a health nut.  It is mind blowing, actually, to think about the complete reversal of his mindset with regards to his health.  The day he retired (or thereabouts) he decided he wanted to live a healthy life and he started to change his habits.  Yesterday, we talked about his sugar habit and how he has decided to be sugar free for the rest of his life, except for special occasions.  My dad, at 80, is still working actively to improve his eating habits.  I love it!!!  I am blogging about this conversation for a different reason, though.  I am talking about this conversation right now because of a specific thing he said.  It is not something I didn’t know, but it is something that I need to be reminded of consistently.  The decision to change one’s habits is very personal.  He knows this because he tried to change someone else's habits as well as his own, my mom's.  That did not work out well.  She truly resented any efforts he made to "make her healthier."  It was not good for their relationship, at all.  

Yesterday, we were talking specifically about my decision to give up sugar and sugar substitutes for life.  I am an addict, a sugar addict.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is true.  Because I am an addict, I can never eat sugar (in any form, natural or artificial) again.  I don’t get to have cake on birthdays, candy canes at Christmas, or pie on Thanksgiving.  I will never eat sugar again.  Sugar is bad for me because I am addicted to it and too much sugar is unhealthy.  There are a lot of people that are not addicted to sugar.  There are people that can eat one cookie and be satisfied.  There are a lot of people who truly enjoy having one scoop of ice cream.  I am not here to say that those people should give up sugar.  In fact, I am not here to say that anyone should give up sugar.  I am not here to say that sugar is bad for anyone but me.  I can’t eat it.  I won’t eat it.  And that is as far as it goes.  It is unhealthy for me to eat sugar.  I want to be healthy.  Therefore, I will not eat sugar.  These are intensely personal statements. 

I recall a moment that happened 33 years ago very clearly.  I was in college and had a roommate (and good friend) named Teri.  Her boyfriend gave her a one pound box of Russel Stover chocolates.  When I saw her box of chocolates I thought about how much I would enjoy eating them.  All of them.  I was very poor back then and there is no way I would ever buy such an expensive (they seemed expensive back then) box of chocolates.  Teri opened the box, took out a chocolate, looked at it, took a bite of it and put the other half back in the box, put the lid on the box and then put the box of chocolates in the refrigerator.  I was stunned.  First of all, it never occurred to me that one of those chocolates was more than one bite.  Second of all, I never could have conceived of just eating half of one chocolate.  I said, “Why did you put that chocolate back in the box, didn’t you like it?”  She said, “Yes, it was great, I’ll eat the rest of it later.”  To say the least, I was puzzled.  Shocked even.  People do that?  Eat half a chocolate and save the rest for later?  Really?  Seriously, and I mean seriously, if I had been given that box of chocolates it would have been gone by the end of the day.  I would have had 3 or 4 pieces of candy without even thinking about it.  Then for the rest of the day I would have eaten one or two more, maybe 3, at a time, until they were gone.  As long as there were chocolates left in that box I would have thought about them.  I would have fought the desire to eat chocolates all day, eventually lost that fight, and consumed every last one of them.  I have no idea how long it took Teri to eat that box of chocolates, but they lived in our refrigerator for a long, long time.  Who knows, she may have ended up throwing out some of them.  I thought Teri’s response to those chocolates was strange.  I couldn’t believe anyone wouldn’t just eat them until they were gone.  I go back to that moment and realize that I have been a sugar addict for a long, long time.

I have tried to moderate my habit.  For the last several years I have justified eating very dark chocolate (organic, 85% cacao) because I’ve read articles that say it is good for you.  Of course, the articles say one or two squares a day are good for you, and I’d eat a “serving” as it was defined on the bar, which was 12 squares (or maybe 9, I don’t quite remember).  A lot of times after having a “serving” I’d have one or three squares more.  Most of the time I could satisfy myself with one “serving,” though.  I keep putting serving in quotes because when I think about it, I think it is kind of funny to define a serving of chocolate.  What is a serving, anyway?  Some stranger somewhere says that this much is a serving.  It’s kind of weird.   While losing weight, I counted calories and I allowed sweet treats to be part of my daily calories.  I knew exactly how many calories were in a tootsie pop, or two.  Usually two.  By counting calories, I forced myself to limit how much sugar I ate, but I was craving it, often.  Eventually, trying to moderate my sugar habit was my downfall.  Day by day, week by week, more and more sweets crept back into my diet.  I’d sneak a little ice cream into my morning coffee.  I’d have a candy bar, usually two, around two o’clock in the afternoon.  I’d have a dish of ice cream in the evening, an hour or two after dinner.  The cravings would usually hit a couple hours after meal time. 

This morning I looked at my weight graph on My Fitness Pal.  I’ve been tracking my weight, off and on, since 10/15/2011, so I was entering this morning’s weight of 164 pounds.  On October 15, 2011, I weighed 228 pounds.  On January 10, 2013, I weighed 150 pounds.  The next time I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal was August 5, 2013 and I weighed 156 pounds, obviously I was trying to lose weight again at that time, because I consistently recorded my weight until October 16, 2013.  On that day I weighed 152.2 pounds.  I almost got back to 150!  I didn’t record my weight again until April 15^th, 2014, when I weighed 165.6.  Oops!  That was a 13.4 pound weight gain over a 6 month period.  That sucks!  I recorded my weight for a few days, then nothing until December 6, 2014.  On that day I weighed 173.6 pounds.  Crap.  There’s another 8 pounds.  Just like that, in less than two months I gained another 8 pounds.  And then, yes, by January 15, 2015, I was up to 179.4 pounds.  Oh-My-God!  That is when I finally put on the brakes.  That is when I realized that this slide was completely out of control and I had to do something, now!  There was no way that scale was going to creep into the 180’s again.  Not then, not now, not ever.  I started counting calories and exercising more.  Shortly after that we went to Larry and Luz’s for dinner and Luz introduced me to the Whole30.  I started the Whole30 on February 11^th, 2015.   On that day I weighed 171.4 pounds.  Thirty days later I weighed 162.8 pounds.  By July 4^th I was to my lowest weight of the 2015 summer, which was 156.4 pounds and I was feeling great.  It was shortly before this that I decided to have my surgery.  I felt so good and so strong and I knew that I wanted this extra skin gone, forever.  It was about mid-July that everything went nuts at work and I started responding to the stress by eating sweets.  The next time I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal was on August 31^st and I weighed 169.4 pounds.  There it is.  In less than two months I gained 13 pounds.  It is so easy for me to overconsume food, particularly sweets.  I weigh myself every day.  I know what’s happening.  I see my weight creeping up.  And I eat sugar anyway. 

Ugh.  I didn’t expect this post to go in this direction.  What I wanted to say is that not eating sugar is a personal decision.  This is about me and about the fact that I am an addict.  Jackie can eat whatever he wants.  I’ll be honest, I don’t want sugar to be part of his everyday diet, but I don’t care if he eats cake or cookies or candy every now and then.  I’ll bake him cookies for Christmas, even.  Jack is not an addict, I am.  I know that sometimes when I blog it sounds like I’m on a “no sugar for humanity” soapbox.  That is not what this is about.  I blog because it helps me stay focused on what I need to do to be healthy.  That’s it, plain and simple.  I sincerely appreciate you for listening.

Now, I’ve gotta run.  I need to cook our meals for the week and then spend the rest of the day at work.  No kickball for me today. 

Have a beautiful day.