OK, OK, OK...let's reevaluate our goals here.
Seriously, it's time to think about what I've been thinking about. Not quite two months ago I decided I wanted to exercise consistently for a year while maintaining my weight and see what happens. I established a goal to lower my body fat % and to successfully complete a triathlon. These seemed like reasonable goals.
Then over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about losing a little more weight. Why, exactly? I am not sure. Part of it is because I don't like this roll here or that bulge there. But I think a more significant part of it is that I miss the easily measurable success of weight loss. Each week, for 10 months, I celebrated my success as I weighed a little less, week after week after week. I think I miss the little high I was getting each week from my weighing myself and watching all my hard work pay off, as reflected by the number on the scale. It was fun to shop for clothes and find out 12s were too big, then 10s, and now, oh my, 8s fit well and can even be a little loose. Since I have stopped losing weight I have missed that a little bit. The obvious changes in my appearance as reflected in my weekly photos, the scale showing my weight loss, and being able to buy smaller and more flattering clothes were all successes that I got to experience on a regular basis. They kept me going and kept me motivated. I worked hard to be able to achieve and celebrate the next success.
It's all different now. I am not losing weight anymore. I am still surprised by my appearance sometimes, particularly in photographs. When I see a snapshot of myself I am surprised by how thin I look. When I get dressed in the morning and look in the mirror, I am comfortable with the way I look. So what's going on? During Phase I, the payoff for counting calories and exercising every day was weight loss, I got to mark my chart and see the line go down, I could buy new, smaller clothes, I felt a little better every day. During Phase II the payoff is a little more subtle. My body fat % is theoretically decreasing, but the more I investigate ways to truly measure body fat the more I realize what an inexact science that really is. I have only found one place in Kansas City that measures body fat and they use a Bod Pod, which has mixed reviews, at best. They also only take appointments from 8:30am - 4:30pm Monday through Friday. I haven't found a good time to do it yet. Part of me isn't excited about getting the measurements done because I am not sure I will believe the results anyway. So, as much as I believe that decreasing body fat % is a good goal, and as much as I believe that I am probably making progress towards that goal, I do find it frustrating that I can't accurately measure my progress and see my success.
Feeling great is an obvious payoff for Phase II. And I do feel great. I feel as good as I can remember feeling in my adult life. I feel strong and healthy and like I can do just about anything I want to do. On the other hand, when it comes to feeling good, Phase II feels more like maintenance and holding on to my hard fought gains rather than achieving noticeably new levels of "feeling good." Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining nor am I suggesting I am going to give up on Phase II or on exercise or on weight maintenance, because maintaining how I feel for the next 50 years is of paramount importance to me. I am just saying that I think I am missing the highs from my weekly small wins during Phase I.
So yesterday, I posted that I may try to lose a few more pounds. Get to 145 pounds. Try to lose this roll or that bulge. I also mentioned that I know I need to restrict calories to do that but hunger has been winning out over dieting. I was feeling somewhat adrift and wanted a measurable goal and, perhaps, the chance at achieving an easy win.
Then, last night, a very simple comment that my husband made helped everything click back into place. I've been noticing lately that my muscles are getting a little bigger and more well defined. I particularly notice it in my arms. I'll be doing something and inadvertently brush one of my biceps and say to myself, "Whoa, there is a serious muscle there." I am also noticing it in my back and core. While I am drying my hair in the morning and have my arms above my head I will see a well defined muscle in my back or abdomen that was not there a couple of months ago. So last night I said to Jack, "Have you noticed that my muscles are getting a little bigger?" And he sighed a little bit, and said (as if he was tired of this topic of conversation - I mean, really, how could be possibly be tired of this? It has only been twelve months!!), "Yes, I've noticed." And I said, "No, really, it seems like all of a sudden, in the last month or so, my muscles are growing and getting more defined. I don't understand why, all of a sudden, after I've been working out for a year, I would notice this now. It doesn't seem like I am exercising that much more." Then Jack said, "It's because you are eating enough. You are giving your body enough calories to actually build muscle, rather than starving it every day to lose weight."
Ding, ding, ding!! That's it. That makes sense. I am decreasing my body fat %, I can see it. I don't need to get my body fat measured to know that. I am not gaining weight. I weigh myself every day to make sure of that. But my muscles are getting bigger and I am getting stronger. I can see that. I sense it every day. I can feel it. Well, that can only mean one thing. If my muscles are bigger and I don't weigh more, I am losing fat. I am hungry because I am exercising about 9 hours a week. That makes sense. I am building muscle now. Not losing weight. It is a completely different thing, physiologically. And psychologically, I guess.
So, back to Plan A. No, I am not going to try to lose any more weight. Yes, I am going to weigh myself every day and keep myself within a few pounds of 150. Yes, I am going to continue to strength train so I can decrease fat mass and increase muscle mass. Yes, I am going to continue to train for my triathlon. Yes, I am going to delight in the fact that I feel great almost all of the time.
My question is, do I need to have weekly wins? They certainly motivated me through Phase I. My chart does help. Putting my exercise schedule on the wall and filling in my bar graph does make a difference. But those aren't really wins, those are more like, "I'm doing my job." Do I need wins? Is that what the triathlon is for? When I complete that, it will feel like a huge win. But it is so far away. Ruth suggested that I sign up for an indoor mini-tri here in Kansas City. I don't really want to do that for some reason. Perhaps it is just time. I've been too busy with too many things and I cherish my down weekends when I don't have things I have to do. But a mini-tri might give me the "win" I crave. Is this just a craving, just me looking for a cheap thrill, a quick high? Does it make more sense to try to shake the need for wins, and settle into acknowledging that being fit and healthy is just part of every day life? Does it work that way?
This is all new territory for me. I've lost weight before. But I've never successfully maintained a healthy weight before. I've always let transitions in my life derail me. Not anymore. This change that I have made is for life. I know that part, but what I don't know is what this is going to be. Do I be satisfied with the status-quo? Do I always strive for improvement? Does this become old hat, just the way it is? Do I revel in my success and feel accomplished for being a very fit 50 year old? I don't know how this works. I guess I am going to find out.
I was wondering when this would happen to you. I remember exactly when and how it happened to me. When I was a junior in college, I got fat and out of shape. I decided to lose weight and get back in shape. Then I wanted to make the women’s basketball team. Then I wanted to get into a good grad school, pass my prelims, and get a fancy-pants internship. The summer of my internship is when it happened. After a long day of working on the Tax Reform Act of 1986 and a hard run, I stood in the driveway and thought – I have done all of the hard things, what do I do now? I soon had two kids, so I didn’t think about it much for 18 years or so, but I think about it now.
ReplyDeleteFor me the answer is to have hard things to do almost daily. Hard workouts are necessary for me, but not sufficient. I need to challenge my body and mind by trying to accomplish something difficult almost every day. If I don’t, I get depressed. It helps if the hard things are meaningful, but they don’t have to be. Right now I am training for that triathlon, taking a math class, learning to play the piano and doing my job. On some days my favorite hours are spent doing math homework. I am calm and content when I am focused. All of the natural chaos of the world disappears. This also happens in a hard workout, but I can’t do hard workouts every day anymore.
If you try to achieve your “quick highs” by continuing to lose weight or working out even harder, you are at risk for an eating disorder and injury. You are fit. You are athletic. You need to work to keep yourself in shape, but the rate of your improvement will not be enough to make you feel like you are achieving a goal.
If I were you, I would abandon your body fat goal. You really can’t measure it well enough to use as a goal. Also, if you maintain your eating and exercise habits, your body fat will stay at a healthy level. Some of the latest studies show that decreasing body fat beyond a certain point does not lengthen life or improve health.
This is what I suggest –
1. Help someone else achieve what you have achieved. Now that you are fit, people will start asking you to help them, so pick someone and help them create a plan and stick with it.
2. Pick a sport that you have always wanted to learn and take some lessons.
3.Find a non physical goal that is difficult and requires all of your concentration. Dedicate a certain amount of time every day or every week to that goal. Make your blog into a book. Write a new book. Take a chemistry class. Create something. I have no idea what will work for you, but something will.
Humans are not naturally happy or satisfied (in my opinion). We have to work at feeling good by constantly challenging ourselves just like we have to work at staying fit.
Both of your thoughts are very interesting to me! I know that I felt very happy yesterday when I worked hard put together a long-shot application. I also felt good going back to the gym after taking a little bit of time off for being sick. But because I am trying this not-weighing-myself thing, I am also missing the "quick highs". For me, that is a little bit by design... I want my health and fitness habits to be permanent, and they can't be if I am getting high off them each week.
ReplyDeleteI think Aunt Ruth is right that you should look at some other areas where you can work hard :) You are already very inspirational to me and surely others!
Hey Roberta!
ReplyDeleteA few months ago I read 'The Power of Habit' by a NYT science writer guy (Charles Duhggie?) who chronicles the 'trigger - response - reward' aspect of any habit/practice and what is actually happening in our brain at the same time. It's a fascinating read and I think relevant to what you're describing. While your initial trigger was not feeling great about your physical being and the response was the incredible, dedicated weight loss/conscious exercise, the initial reward of getting to your target weight goal might not have been the real reward that you're craving. It might be more like what you describe here of feeling really great about having developed a healthy practice (with specific aspects like weighing yourself, a routine about counting calories, etc... you get the idea). So, following my unsolicited conjecture here, I'm guessing the reward isn't about losing another 5lbs, but like your sister said, finding some other 'response'/practice that makes you feel great.
Jen V.
I had another thought. Your muscles become more defined as you lose fat even if you are no longer losing weight. So your muscles might be getting more obvious rather than bigger.
ReplyDelete