10/20/18: Here we go again!

I have had a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I have gained a lot of weight and I need to do something about it.  Obviously, I know I have gained a lot of weight, but actually accepting this fact and taking action to do something about it is something I have been avoiding.  Avoiding by not looking in the mirror, avoiding by limiting the number of people I am socializing with, avoiding by hiding behind more food.

I hate admitting to myself that this is a problem that I will fight for the rest of my life.  I want to solve the problem and move on.  It just isn't working out that way.

I refuse to give up, though.  I will fight it.

Today, in about an hour, Lauren, my personal trainer from before I left for New Hampshire will be here.  She hasn't seen me yet but I told her how bad of shape I am in.  I am so self conscious about this.

First steps.  I have been looking forward to my first session with Lauren since the day we made the appointment.  I explained to her a long time ago that staying in shape (having a reasonable diet and a reasonable exercise routine) is one area of my life in which I need consistent help.  I have not been able to do this alone, even when I am in shape, I can't stay in shape without help.  For some reason, this makes me feel ashamed.  I feel like I should just be able to do this.  I know what to do, I know what to eat, I know how to exercise; but it has never been something I can do, consistently, without help. But when I have help, when I have a "rent-a-friend," I have the strength to do this thing.  I knew months ago that it would help me to call Lauren, but I wasn't working and couldn't justify the cost.  I started my new job a month ago, this is one of the things that I am going to pay for with my salary.

I wasn't planning on blogging again.  I thought I was done with this.  But as I was waiting for Lauren to arrive all of a sudden I had the urge to put this out there.  I guess it's my way of owning the fact that I have to start this process all over again.  Sad, but true.  Here we go.

This isn't about looking good, this is about feeling good.  I am in a lot of pain.  My feet and knees hurt.  I am uncomfortable.  I need to lose weight to be healthy and feel good.

It's not all doom and gloom.  I love my new job.  I am the Finance Director of the ACLU of Kansas.  It is an amazing organization that does incredibly good work.  I work with a dozen smart and caring people.  What a wonderful place to call home.  Jack and I have decided to stay in Kansas City, so we are looking for a new house, our forever house.  If I can't have an inn, then I can have my dream house!!  One of the things I am looking for is a back yard oasis.  I have always wanted a back yard that is my little escape from the rest of the world.  We found a house on realtor.com that has a gorgeous backyard, including a swimming pool.  We plan to go see it with our realtor later today or one evening this week.  I hope I like the house as much as I love the back yard!

Our puppy, Starbuck, has been a wonderful new addition to our family.  It's hard to believe she has only been with us 6 months.  She has most definitely won our hearts.  She's playful, loving, and smart.  One of the criteria for the new house is a yard for the pup!!

I need to go squeeze myself into a jogging bra.  Ugh.

Talk to you later.

Roberta