11/28/15: Getting Caught Up On a Long Weekend

Days of abstinence: 66

Exercise:  Cardio weight lifting

Days until surgery: 16!!!!

Weight:  157.0 pounds

I can’t believe it is only Saturday and we have already had 2 days off from work.  It seems crazy that we are off 4 days in a row.  Pretty soon I won’t know what to do with myself.

What I did do today is exercise, in spite of forces conspiring against me.  Freezing rain outside, intermittent internet (so no Daily Burn website access) inside.  So I put together my own Black Fire-ish routine and worked hard for 40 minutes.  It was an effective workout.

Jack and I have started our Christmas shopping.  It needs to be done before surgery, so we have plans to shop a little every day and evening through next weekend.  With the cost of the two family reunions this year and my surgery, we really are going to try to keep things light this year.  I finally got our finances caught back up from the huge home renovation project from a year ago.  Two steps forward, one step back, it seems like.  It’s my own doing of course.  I don’t have to do this surgery.  It is something I really want to do!

I guess I don’t have much else to add and I can hear Jack banging around in the bedroom, so I am going to sign off and get breakfast started.

Have a beautiful day!

11/27/15: Surgery – It’s What I Think About All Day, Now

Days of abstinence: 65

Days until surgery: 17!!!!

Weight:  157.0 pounds

It sure is fun to get up in the morning and see a drop in the scale!!  I weighed 157 pounds this morning!!  Yeah!!  In my 65 days of abstinence I have lost 12.8 pounds.  It hasn’t been a rapid weight loss, by any measurement, but it has been steady.  I am getting close enough to my goal weight that I am content with my progress.  I’d be comfortable going into surgery today, at this weight.  I’ll probably lose another pound or two, though, which would be great, but I feel pretty good about my weight, today.  My boobs are getting to the stage where they don’t feel very heavy when I lift them and they don’t ache when I take off my bra at the end of the day.  I think when the breast lift is done they will be a nice size.  I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to having smaller breasts.  I can’t decide what I am looking forward to more, a flat tummy or firm, smaller breasts.  The prospect of both is so exciting.  I guess that is why I am having both procedures done, instead of only one or the other. 

The closer the surgery date gets, the more I am thinking about it.  I am nervous, who wouldn’t be?  I’m excited.  Who wouldn’t be?  Jack is very supportive.  His biggest concern, other than for my health and well-being, is he’s worried about being a good care-giver after the surgery.  He’s also worried that I am going to go stir crazy when I am home recuperating for 3 weeks.  Actually, I’m not sure which he is more worried about, the risks of the actual surgery or the risk of me being bored out of my mind.  He keeps saying, “I don’t know how we are going to keep you entertained for 3 weeks.  There is only so much TV, puzzles, reading, etc., you can do before you’ll go nuts.”  I tell him I’m going to be drugged up for part of that time and not to worry so much about my boredom, but he may have a point.  My mind does start racing when I’m bored.  There’s no telling what schemes I will think up during my convalescence.  I guess he has reason to be worried, now that I think about it.  I don’t do bored very well.  In general, I sit still only when I am tired.  I probably will get ants in my pants about half way through my 3 weeks off.

When it comes to sitting still, I have come to the conclusion that following doctor’s orders about the exact right amount of movement after surgery is critically important.  I’ve been following several women that have had this surgery and those that feel great afterwards and try to do too much are the ones that have their drains in the longest and have the most difficulties after about 2 weeks.  The ones that are in a lot of pain afterwards and therefore limit their movement to going to the rest room and taking a short walk around the house, get their drains out the fastest and have the least complications at 2 weeks.  Being careful about movement will impact how quickly my skin re-adheres to my abdominal muscles and how quickly and neatly my incisions heal.  You can count on the fact that I will follow doctor’s orders to the letter.  I am lucky that I don’t have any kids at homes.  A lot of women are doing this surgery with little ones at home.  That would be rough.  I don’t have to take care of anyone but Jack, and for three weeks, he is going to be taking care of me. 

I’m starting to get excited about buying some new clothes.  When I look at outfits that I think are cute I no longer judge whether or not they will hide my breasts or bulges in my tummy sufficiently.  I know my “look” will change after surgery.  I have always been drawn to clothes that are a little more playful or colorful rather than run-of-the-mill, but I’ve been limited as to where I can shop and what I can wear because I’ve been so over-weight and since my weight loss I’ve had so many bulges in all the wrong places.  I am looking forward to letting my creative side out with my wardrobe.  The older I get, the more liberties I feel I can take with my wardrobe.  I mean, who cares what a 53 year old grandmamma wears, anyway?  No one.  I can feel my playful side getting ready to come out, when it comes to clothes.  This is going to be fun! 

If you are an astute follower of this blog, you’ll have made the observation that I haven’t been exercising regularly enough.  This is because of the ridiculous, whacked out schedule that I have been living.  First it was way too much work, then the kids were here, then I was getting up at 4:00AM to get caught up on all of the things I have neglected.  Finally, everything feels normal again.  I will exercise every single day from now until surgery.  After surgery, I won’t be able to do anything for 6 weeks.  That is going to be rough.  I will add exercise to my daily heading in order to keep myself accountable.

I guess that’s it for now.  Thanks for listening.

Have a beautiful day!

11/26/15: I Paid the Surgeon Yesterday

Days of abstinence: 64

Days until surgery: 18!!!

Weight:  158.6 pounds

Wow!  I can’t believe surgery is only two and a half weeks away!  Jack and I went to my pre-op appointment yesterday and paid the surgeon.  We still need to pay the surgical center and the anesthesiologist in the next few days.  This is really happening!  I am nervous and anxious about the surgery and the recovery period after the surgery, but I am really looking forward to all of this extra skin being gone.  It’s so hard to believe that after all of these years I will no longer have folds of skin hanging below my C-section scar or large, loose hanging breasts.  Wow.  It’s hard to believe this is really happening.  In addition to the full tummy tuck and breast lift, I am also getting lipo suction on my outer thighs to remove the saddle bags that will not budge with any amount of diet or exercise. 

It sounds like I am really lucky that my abdominal muscles are strong and where they belong.  It sounds like the most painful part of a tummy tuck recovery is the suturing of the muscles to repair separation of abdominal muscles.  The doctor doesn’t think I will need that.  If I need a small repair, he’ll do it, but he doesn’t think he’ll need to do anything major with my muscles. 

I’m getting close to my goal range of 150 – 155 before surgery.  Perhaps I will get to 155, perhaps I won’t.  I am not too worried about it.  I am glad to be in the 150s.  My guess is I will lose another couple of pounds before surgery, but that’s it.  I’m fine with that.  My biggest motivation for wanting to lose a little more weight was so that my breasts would be smaller and lighter going into surgery so that they would end up being a smaller size after the breast lift.  I feel pretty good about that, now.  It’s amazing how much difference a few pounds can make.

I haven’t had any sugar in 64 days!!  The amazing part about that is I don’t want any sugar.  I’m not even tempted.  It sure makes it easier to lose weight.  The biggest difference in my eating, between not losing weight and losing weight, is how much I eat for dinner.  If I have “three squares a day,” three nice, hearty meals, I maintain my weight.  If I have a hearty breakfast and lunch and eat about a half portion for dinner, I lose a little weight.  Most of the time I keep my dinner light, but if I’m eating late and am pretty hungry, sometimes that is hard to do.  The hardest moment is when I am putting the food on my plate.  If I am really hungry, I tend to take more food.  If I put the food on my plate, I eat it.  It also helps to eat dinner early in the evening. 

I continue to have discussions with family and friends about alcohol and coffee.  I am very, very close to deciding that alcohol is gone from my life forever.  As I told Carla yesterday, I don’t really need to make this decision until February 1, which will be about when most of my recovery is complete.  I know I won’t go off program at all until then, anyway.  But it is something I am thinking about.  Never drinking a glass of wine again is not that big of a deal, so I wonder a little bit about why I am giving this so much thought.  I think it has something to do with the way drinking a glass of wine with a nice dinner for a special occasion sort of slows down the moment and seems to make it more of an event.  I don’t know.  Anyway, the bottom line is alcohol, for all practical purposes, is a sugar.  I don’t eat sugar.  Therefore, alcohol should probably be a banned substance, too.  I honestly don’t know why I am grappling with this at all.  It seems like an easy decision, doesn’t it?  I’m probably almost there.

With regard to coffee, even though it is an addictive substance and, yes, it is mood altering, I see no reason to stop drinking it.  It is something I really enjoy.  My two-cup-a-day habit causes me to pause and enjoy life for a minute.  The time I spend drinking my coffee is the part of the day when I settle down and relax.  Usually, I am the only one in the house that is awake.  It’s my quiet, me time.  There is no evidence that drinking coffee is bad for me.  Sugar and alcohol hurt my body.  That is an established fact.  There is no evidence that coffee hurts my body.  I am hard pressed to come up with a good argument to give up something that I really enjoy that does not hurt me.

There is an argument that maybe coffee should be eliminated because it is addictive and mood altering.  The transformation that I experienced when I stopped eating sugar was profound.  The most startling change was how much happier and content I am.  As I mentioned in a previous post, sugar seemed to take the edge off my highs and lows, so my moods were less intense when I was using sugar.  Now, I seem to be experiencing emotions more fully and, somehow, resetting to a higher-happiness-plateau more quickly after an intense emotion.  This is a remarkable and unexpected benefit that has resulted from giving up the sugar drug.  Would I experience a similar benefit from giving up the caffeine drug?  I have no idea.

My gut response to that question is no.  I think there are a lot of reasons that I am happier without sugar in my life.  Part of it is definitely the physiological impact that sugar had on my hormones.  But part of it is the psychological hold that sugar had on my behavior.  Sugar owned me in a way that coffee never has and never will.  Sugar called the shots, I didn’t.  Coffee is not that way.  I enjoy my coffee, but I don’t want more than a couple cups a day.  I have a hard and fast rule, no coffee after noon.  If I drink coffee after noon, I have trouble falling asleep.  I don’t see a cup of coffee at 1:00 in the afternoon and wish I could drink it.  Sometimes, if it is really cold out, I want a cup of coffee to warm myself up, but a cup of herbal tea fills in that void, nicely.  Also, coffee has no calories.  Consuming coffee does not make me fat. 

I find the idea that giving up caffeine may have a positive impact on my emotional well-being intriguing.  I’m thinking about it.  Maybe being free of all addictions would be a good thing.  Maybe it is unimportant.  Who knows?

Oh, and by the way, it is Thanksgiving.  For a lot of us that means too much food, including desserts and wine.  For us, today, that means no such thing.  Jackie and I are treating it like any other day.  We had a big family dinner with the kids when they were here.  We are content to enjoy this four days off with no celebrations or commitments, other than to get caught up around the house and get some planning done.  I’m glad.  I can hardly believe I have four days off with nothing to do.  What a relief.  It’s been a while since I really felt like I could relax and recuperate. 

And on that note, I will sign off. 

Have a beautiful Thanksgiving day!

11/25/15: Donuts Stink

Days of abstinence: 63

Days until surgery: 19!!

Weight:  158.8 pounds

Have you ever noticed that donuts smell bad?  Somebody brought donuts to work and left the box on the counter.  Out of curiosity I opened the box to see what was in it.  Obviously it was baked goods and something that I would not eat, but I am a baker and am often curious about what others bring in. When I open the box the odor of the donuts hit me in the face.  I couldn't believe how overwhelming the smell was.  I never thought donuts smelled bad before, but I couldn't get the lid back on the box fast enough.  Donuts really do stink.  My, how things have changed.  It was not all that smelling a donut would have triggered all kinds of cravings.  Not anymore.  I just want to get away from them as fast as I can.  This is definitely a change for the better.

I have my pre-op appointment today.  Yikes!!  Jack is coming with me so that we can both here all of the pre-op and after care instructions.  I am getting anxious.  I can't really believe I am doing this.

Have a beautiful day!!

11/24/15: Quick Visit

Days of abstinence: 62

Days until surgery: 20

Weight:  158.8 pounds

I flew to Michigan on Sunday to see my sister Ruth.  What should have been a quick flight with a layover in Chicago turned into an all day ordeal that ended up with me in Detroit 14 hours after I left the house and a bag still in Chicago.  It was not the smoothest of travel days.  I was prepared though, and had packed enough food to get me through the day.  So in spite of spending 12 hours in planes and airports, I did not eat off program at all.  The only slightly off program food that I ate was on Monday at the Detroit airport.  We didn’t have time to eat dinner before I got to the airport so I ate a grilled chicken breast with a sides of broccoli and green beans.  The chicken breast had a sauce made with whole butter and balsamic vinegar.  At home, I clarify my butter to remove milk solids.  I scraped off as much as the sauce as possible, but I still have a little bit of a cranky gut this morning.  My body really doesn’t like milk.

The best news of all is that I had a crazy, two day quick trip to Michigan, and I lost two-tenths of a pound.  In the past, a trip like this would have been a perfect excuse to eat sweet treats like muffins, cookies, and ice cream.  I didn’t even think about eating those things on this trip.  Yeah!!!

11/22/15: Stuck on a runway in KC

 I'm taking a quick trip to Michigan to see my sister and we're stuck on the runway in KC waiting for a gate in Chicago. Fun times. I've packed my lunch. I wasn't planning on eating it on the plane, but maybe I will.

All is well. Food program is strong.

I am considering the impact of other addictive substances that I use. There are two:  coffee and alcohol.

Coffee:  I currently consume about 2 cups of strong, black coffee a day. I drink it in the morning with my breakfast. I don't believe there are any health reasons to quit drinking coffee. In fact, the most recent study released shows increased life spans for coffee drinkers that drink moderate amounts of coffee. It may not be the coffee, mind you. The study said it may be the fact that coffee drinkers take the time in the morning to relax and drink their coffee. This rings true to me. My morning routine includes about a half hour of just sitting and reading and drinking coffee. Anyway, I've read study after study after study about coffee consumption and there seems to be no negative health impact on moderate coffee consumption. Therefore, I don't need to give it up to be healthier.

Should I give it up just because I'm addicted to it?  I won't deny that caffeine is an addictive substance. If I don't drink coffee in the morning I will get a headache mid-afternoon and I may get a bit cranky. That lasts about 3 days, then the headache and crankiness are gone. This indicates a physical addiction. That said, I have no desire to drink more coffee. It is very easy to limit myself to two cups. In fact, I often don't finish the second cup. Unlike sugar, one cup does not lead to overconsumption. Coffee does not have a grip on my life. Bottom line:  I don't think coffee harms me in anyway and I don't think it is a dangerous substance for me. I see no reason to stop enjoying it.

Alcohol:  I have not had any alcohol for 2 months. I don't plan on having any alcohol until I am fully recovered from surgery. What I am seriously contemplating is deciding that alcohol should be on my banned substance list, not because I am addicted to it, but because it is basically a sugar.

I have overconsumed alcohol in the past, but I can and I do enjoy having one or two glasses of wine. In the past I've opened a bottle of wine to enjoy a glass or two and ended up tossing the rest of the bottle out a week later because I never finished it. I don't have an addiction to alcohol and I am not afraid of developing one. What I am afraid of, what I am terrified of, is that a glass of wine will trigger my sugar addiction. I enjoy wine, but not enough to risk losing my freedom. My guess is that alcohol is going to become a never again thing for me, but I don't need to make that decision yet.

I'm quickly using up my phone battery and I'm going to need it for my trip, so I better sign off.

Have a beautiful day!!

11/21/15: WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!!

Days of abstinence: 59

Days until surgery: 23

Weight:  159.0 pounds

It’s been a whirlwind of a month!  At work:  The deal is on!  We are closing in a few days!  The deal is delayed.  We don’t know when we are closing.  The deal is on!  We’re closing at the end of the week.  The deal is delayed.  Are we going to close?  The deal is on – but different.  Ugh!!!  Hurry up!!  Stop!!!!!!!!!!  Go!! Wait a second!  Oh yeah, regular work stuff has to happen.  What??  Really?  Oh, and apparently I need to make more sacrifices.  Say what?  To say I am frustrated right now would be the understatement of the century.  I’ll do what I can do, but guess what.  In 23 days I will be out of the office for 3 weeks.  That’ll be interesting.  I already postponed this surgery once.  I am not going to postpone it again.  Life will go on at work, with or without me.

Are you tired of hearing about my sugar-free life yet?  I do have a problem.  Everyone is tired of hearing about it.  I wonder if all addicts go through this.  I’ve struggled all of my life with food.  From sneaking sweets out of the pantry when I was a kid to not being able to control portions and sneaking ice cream out of the freezer as a middle-aged woman.  I’ve dieted, I’ve done the Whole30 and every other diet known to woman.  I’ve lost weight.  I’ve gained weight.  I managed to maintain my weight for longish periods of time.  My weight has snuck back up.  I’ve lost weight again.  Through all of this I was always making hundreds of micro-decisions a day.  Eat this, don’t eat that, it’s ok to have a little bit, Whoa!  I said a little bit.  OK – I’m binging.  I’m stressed, had a bad day, it’s a party, who cares, anyway?  I care!  Crap.  Stop eating so much.  Shit, Roberta!  Stop it!!  OK, I’m back in control.  And on and on and on.  That has been my life when it comes to food.  It has been a constant, negative undercurrent of my life.  This addiction has impacted every day of my life, in a negative way, until 59 days ago. 

Then, and I know I am repeating myself – but this is MY blog and I get to do whatever I want – then Ruth texts me after reading my blog post in which I talk about sneaking food and says, “Have you thought about getting therapy for your food addiction?”

Double crap.  Triple crap!!  Really?!?!  Do I need to go there?  That text hit home.

So I did it.  I called my therapist from over a decade ago, made an appointment and spent an hour and $100 talking to Stan.

It was the best $100 I have ever spent.  During that session I came to terms with the fact that I am an addict and my addiction is sugar.  It took me a few more days to truly convince myself that I could never eat sugar again.  During those few days I felt sorry for myself.  I really did.  I thought it was sad, that I could never eat sugar again.  I thought I would miss it.  But I had to acknowledge that sugar is something that I cannot manage.  A little sugar today means more tomorrow and more the next day.  But it’s more than that.  A little sugar today makes managing my consumption of all food so much more difficult.  If I eat a little bit of sugar then all of a sudden I want to eat all of the time and it takes a great deal of will power to moderate my consumption to a reasonable amount.

I was lucky, I guess.  By the time I went to see Stan I had already been sugar free for a week, because I had restarted my Whole30 plan on September 23, 2015.  That was my first day of abstinence, by the way.  My session with Stan was on October 1, 2015.  So by the time I decided I was an addict and needed to never eat sugar again I was already sugar free for several days and had already gotten past the withdrawal symptoms.  That was helpful, because then all I had to deal with was the emotions that were swirling around about making this decision.  You know, feeling sorry for myself, and all.

I am here to say, that there is nothing more ridiculous than me feeling sorry for myself because, “I can’t eat sugar.”  Now that all of that is behind me and I have been sugar free for almost 60 days, I can honestly say that there is nothing special about eating sugar.  Nothing. 

I am astonished by how much my life has changed in 59 days.  I am dumbfounded by how much happier I am than I have ever been before.  Yes, I’ve gotten angry in the last couple of months.  I mean, shit happens.  I am an emotional person.  I get angry.  But I get over it.  Without sugar.  I’ve gotten sad, I’ve been frustrated, I’ve been tired, I’ve been worried, I’ve been anxious.  All of that.  In fact, it’s probably fair to say that my emotions have been fairly intense over the last couple of months.  I am an emotional person and I am sure sugar helped me take the peaks and valleys off of those emotions.  The interesting thing about the last couple of months, though, is that in spite of the stress and all of the emotions, my re-set to happy and content is a lot quicker after an emotional moment.  It’s as if I fully experience whatever it is I need to experience at the moment and then I get over it, emotionally.  I still may need to take action to fix something that was going wrong that caused me to get angry, frustrated, etc., but my emotions re-set quickly.  It’s almost as if by medicating myself with sugar I was dulling my emotions and dragging everything out.  It’s weird.  I can’t explain it.

I am so much better off without sugar in my life that there is no doubt in my mind: I will never eat it again.  Quite frankly, I am almost afraid of it.  This substance impacted me in ways that I never, ever imagined.  I kind of knew that it caused me to have food cravings.  I never knew it had such a grip on every aspect of my life.  It’s just sugar.  It wasn’t heroin or cocaine or opium or alcohol.  It was just sugar.  And it owned me.

I feel like I am living my life, now.  This is my life.  THIS IS MY LIFE!!  WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!  There are not enough capital letters or exclamation marks or words in this world to describe how transformative this decision has been.  Among other things, I am no longer angry at myself.  I don’t berate myself constantly.  Oh my god, this is liberating.  Yes, life is good.  It is so much better.

Over the last 59 days I’ve had plenty of opportunities to eat sweet treats.  I’ve baked.  I’ve gone to events.  I’ve taken a road trip.  You know what?  I am not even tempted.  I have no interest in sugar.  It’s not that I have to resist it or tell myself, “No.”  I just don’t want it. 

What’s really, really strange is I can’t even figure out why I would want to eat it.  Because it tastes good?  So what?  So does chicken cacciatore and beef stew.  So do scrambled eggs and home fries.  So does roasted pork with cabbage and pears.  So do lots of things. 

People say, “But sugar is in everything.”  Well, you know what?  No it’s not.  There is a huge difference between added sugar and sugar that occurs naturally in an apple; they are two different things.  I have no problem with fruit.  It’s the sugar that you add to the apple pie that I have a problem with.  There is no added sugar in a cow, pig, chicken, salmon, trout, carrot, Brussel sprout, coconut, cashew, or potato.  Nope.  None.  Sugar can be added in the cooking process, but it does not have to be added.  You do not need to add sugar, stevia, honey, maple syrup, or agave nectar to anything to make it taste good.  Good food tastes good without added sweeteners.  That’s a fact.  Who needs it?  Not me.  Not ever again.

I know this won’t be the last time I talk about how much my life has changed since I decided to never eat sugar ever again. And that word never is an incredibly important part of the previous sentence.  I've given up sugar for a period of time before.  When I did that, managing food was easier, but it did not change my life like this.  When I knew I was going to eat sugar again, some day, I didn't feel this freedom.  It is the decision to never eat sugar again that was so transformative.  I can’t help but talk about it.  My life has changed forever.  I am astonished.  My guess is that all recovering addicts come to this moment at some point in their recovery and they probably want to talk about it, too.  How can you not?  I’ll tell you what, I’ll be willing to listen to any recovering addict that wants to talk about it.  I get it.  You want to get on top of the tallest building and shout to the world how wonderful it is to be free.  Being an addict sucks.  Until you stop using.  After that, it’s not so bad.  I don’t mind that I’m an addict.  It’s fine.  Just like it’s fine that I have brown hair, greenish blue eyes, and moles on my face.  So what?  Those things don’t define me and my addiction does not define me.  Not anymore.  Thank goodness!!  Thanks Ruth!!  Thanks Jackie!!  Thanks to all of my friends and family that have supported me and loved me.  WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!  Yes, this has been an amazing two months.  I couldn’t be happier.

Have a beautiful day!!    

11/19/15: Getting Things Back to Normal

Days of abstinence: 57

Days until surgery: 25

Weight:  159.4 pounds

The kids left on Monday and you would think that would bring calm.  But, no, it’s a busy week, again.

I am the VP of our bowling league, and as such I am the chair of the audit committee and the prize fund committee.  I have delayed getting our first meetings called because of how busy I have been with work.  With my surgery quickly approaching, I knew I needed to get it done, so I scheduled the Audit Committee meeting for Tuesday evening and the Prize Fund Committee meeting for this evening.  I picked the league books up from the secretary last Wednesday and finally had time to start working on them after the kids left Monday evening.  So I spent a late night Monday, and early morning Tuesday, a late night Tuesday and another early morning Wednesday setting up a spreadsheet to track the ins and outs of the league account and combing through the books.  The good news is we have $23 too much!  Our secretary is very meticulous and tracks everything three different ways.  I do believe we have over collected in two instances so I gave the secretary my findings yesterday and will submit an audit report to the league next week.  It’s kind of nice to have a tidy little project like that to do!

This weekend I am taking a whirlwind trip up to Michigan to see my sister.  It will be nice to see Ruth, who, by the way, was just elected Mayor Protem of East Lansing.  I think that is so cool!  She said she is not interested in being Mayor permanently (or for a full term) because she doesn’t have time to be mayor.  Just the same, East Lansing is lucky to have such a smart and dedicated citizen as a city councilmember and Mayor Protem!

Food.  What do I have to say about food?  Not much, really.  After my slight transgression last weekend with a couple of ounces of cheese and a tiny bit of flour, which caused me two days of gut cramps and very loose stools, I am back to 100% Whole30 program foods.  That was enough to remind me that I really am sensitive to milk products and I should just stay away from them.  I don’t miss them at all, it was just easy to eat the snack that I had prepared for everyone else.  It’s good to have the reminder now and then, I guess. 

Food continues to regulate itself, now that I no longer eat sugar.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner.  That’s it.  No snacks.  Sometimes I think about eating between meals, usually it is when I am bored or frustrated with something.  I’ll think about eating something, look at the clock, see it is not time to eat, take a big drink of water, take a short walk through the office to fill my water glass and use the restroom, and then get back to work.  In those moments I am not hungry, nor am I having a craving.  I just think about eating to take my mind off of whatever is aggravating me at the moment.  The thought of food passes quickly and before I know it it’s time to eat my next meal.

I still feel like making the decision to quit sugar has been the single most important and impactful dietary decision I have ever made in my life.  I’m 57 days sugar free and I have never struggled less with food decisions.  In fact, I don’t struggle with food decisions at all anymore.  This is pretty awesome.

I guess I better get going.  There is work to do today.

Have a beautiful day.

11/16/15: No Cookies (or Cake or Brownies)!

Days of abstinence: 54

Days until surgery: 28

Weight:  159.8 pounds

I baked sea salt chocolate chip cookies before all of the kids arrived.  I did not eat any of them. Two of my grandchildren asked me if I would bake with them and I told them I would after dinner on Sunday.  So last night I baked cocoa buttermilk cupcakes with Sharlynne and I baked brownies with Taren.  I did not eat any of them, either.  I didn’t even lick the spoon!  It feels a little odd to bake something and not taste it before I serve it to others, but I was assured that both were delicious.  In fact, Sharlynne said the cupcakes were marvelous!  I see it as a real victory to get through these five days with a lot of visitors, cooking a lot every day, and even baking treats, and not eating any sugar at all!  Yeah!

I did go very slightly off of the Whole30 program and I am paying for it today in the form of stomach cramps and loose stools.  I ate two things off program in the last couple of days.  The first is cheese on the potato skins (I ate a couple on Saturday and a couple on Sunday) and the second is a little bit of flour in the gravy that I made for the mashed potatoes.  Oh, and there was whole butter and milk in the mashed potatoes.  I am not sure if the culprit causing the gut issues is wheat or dairy, but I am eliminating both today.   I guess considering the fact that I’ve been making pancakes, waffles, and baked goods, along with everything else for three meals a day for a large family, these minor deviations from the Whole30 aren’t bad.  It’ll feel good to be 100% on program again, though.

I can’t believe my surgery is only 28 days away.  Yikes!!  I might just freak out.

The kids will be up shortly and I need to make breakfast for them one last time before they hit the road, so I’m going to run.

Have a beautiful day.

11/15/15: It’s Been Busy Around Here!

Days of abstinence: 53

Days until surgery: 29

Weight:  ??? pounds

Everyone except Aaron arrived on Wednesday and Aaron arrived on Thursday.  Since then it has been non-stop action!  With 8 grandchildren and 6 adult children (including our daughter and son-in-law) visiting we have had a house full!  We’ve kept busy and have had a great time, including going to the park yesterday and playing kickball for a while.

I’ve been busy in the kitchen making breakfast for almost everyone every morning and dinner for everyone every night.  We did have one BBQ night from Joe's Kansas City, which was a big hit!  Yesterday was a relatively easy cooking day since we ate leftovers for lunch and dinner.  I overestimated how much everyone would eat so there was something leftover from every  meal.  It’s hard to judge how much to cook for a crowd when you don’t do it very often.  Also, the kids are a little unpredictable.  They’ll sit down to one meal and eat as if there is no tomorrow and the next day they’ll eat very little.  It has all worked out great though.  We made it through a lot of the leftovers yesterday and I froze several servings so that Jack and I can eat them later.  This afternoon will be the last big meal that I cook for the crew.

I’ve done well with sticking to plan.  I have not had any sugar, in spite of the cookies and ice cream and European chocolates that have been around the house.  I’ve stuck to my Whole30 plan with the exception of eating a few potato skins yesterday.  The only thing on them that is not part of my Whole30 plan is cheese.  All in all, my food program is solid.

I have not weighed myself since Thursday, but that’s because I have been pulling myself out of bed as the kids wake up and heading straight to the kitchen to start making breakfast.  I usually weigh myself prior to my shower and breakfast, but I am not getting my shower in until after everyone, including myself, is fed.  I’ll start weighing myself again on Tuesday.  I think I am eating a little more than normal, just because so much of my day is centered around food right now.  It is a lot of work to keep 14 people fed (I don’t have to feed the two babies.  J ). 

I can’t believe it is only 29 days until my surgery date!!  Yikes!!  It is quickly approaching!

Have a beautiful day!    

11/12/15: They’re Here!

Days of abstinence: 50

Days until surgery: 32

Weight:  159.8 pounds

Yes. They are here!!  All eight of our grandchildren!  We bowl on Wednesdays so I needed to leave the house just as some of the kids were showing up.  They pulled into the driveway as I was pulling out.  Jack didn’t bowl last night since he was picking people up from the airport and getting them settled in.  I missed the arrival of Andrew, Rebecca and their family.  But just as the third game was starting everyone showed up at the bowling alley.  It was super fun getting to show off all the grandbabies, from the youngest (Jordon, 6 weeks old) to the eldest (Annika, 11 years old).  I’ve never had the opportunity to introduce my grandchildren to my friends before.  It made my night.

All is well.  Blog posts will be short while the family is in town.  I’m sticking to program!

Have a beautiful day!

11/11/15: Into the One-Fifties!

Days of abstinence: 49

Days until surgery: 33

Weight:  159.6 pounds

I have very little time to blog this morning, but I wanted to put up a quick post to say that I weighed 159.6 pounds this morning!  Yeah!  It is awesome to be back in the 150s!  Actually, awesome is sort of an overstatement.  I was pleased to see the progress on the scale, but as I mentioned in yesterday’s blog post, I am much less focused on my weight these days.  I’ll weigh every day, probably forever.  I want to get to 150 and I will get to 150, but this just isn’t a struggle anymore.  I was talking to a friend at work yesterday about how much my attitude about food has changed since I stopped eating all forms of sugar.  She also struggles with her weight and with food.  She asked me this question, “Of all the things you’ve done, books you’ve read, diets you’ve gone on, would you say completely giving up sugar has had the biggest impact on how you deal with food?”  My answer to her was an emphatic, “Yes!”  I have done many, many programs and diets.  I have successfully lost weight on all of them.  I’ve gained weight back after most of them.  But giving up sugar completely, for life, has had the most dramatic impact on the way I think about and feel about food.  I think there are two very important components to that statement.  I gave up sugar completely, in all forms, in all things, natural and artificial.  I am going to clarify that a little, I gave up added sugar.  I still eat fruit and other foods that have naturally occurring sugar in them.  The other really important part of the statement is that I have given up sugar for life.  Forever.  And ever.  That very definitive part of the statement is the part that was the game changer.  This is not just until I get to my goal weight.  It’s forever.  That statement has allowed me to shut that door tightly, lock it, and never think about opening it again.  It’s for real.

I’ve been cooking all morning (Hey, it’s only 6:34AM, so I guess there is still plenty of morning left), but I officially have everything done that I wanted done before the kids get here!  Now I am headed to work for a few hours. 

Have a beautiful day!

11/10/15: My Scale is Such a Tease

Days of abstinence: 48

Days until surgery: 34

Weight:  160.0 pounds

After dropping from 162 to 160 overnight several days ago, my weight has fluttered around just above 160.  It’s not a big deal, I know one of these days I’ll see another drop in the scale to those coveted 150s as long as I am committed to my program, but it is a little annoying.  It feels like my scale is teasing me.  The really good news is plateaus on the scale no longer impact my commitment or resolve when it comes to my food plan.  My weight is still important to me and I still want to get to 150ish by my surgery date, but in reality my weight has much less impact on how I feel about myself than my diet does.  I feel 100% solid about my food program and I feel 100% solid about my commitment to never eat sugar again.  That’s what is important.  My weight is slowly but surely taking care of itself.  I’ll get there.  I know I will.  There are just a few things left in my closet that are still a little snug.  They will fit, soon.

I got through the cookie baking without eating a chocolate chip, licking a spoon, or eating a cookie.  I didn’t end up making oatmeal cookies with banana instead of eggs.  Our daughter-in-law said that our grandson with the egg allergy seems to be OK with eggs that are baked in cookies.  She suggested that if he does have a negative reaction to them, I can bake the oatmeal cookies with some of the older kids later in the week.  That seemed like a great plan!  It saved me some work last night, and I am running out of time.  Tonight we pick up the 15 passenger van that we rented (to make it easier to get the group around town) and tomorrow we check into the house at 2:00pm.  I have a little more prep work that I want to do in the kitchen, but we’re just about ready!  We can’t wait to see everyone.

Dr. Hodge’s nurse called me yesterday with the quote for the surgeon fees and Overland Park Surgery center.  It was more expensive than the quotes I have had from other doctors.  When I balked a little bit at the price, she said she would talk to the doctor and see if the fee could be reduced a little.  I feel weird asking a surgeon to lower his fee.  It doesn’t seem like I should bargain shop for plastic surgery.  But she made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal to ask, so we’ll see what she says, today.  Either way, I know that he is the one that I will schedule my procedure with.  Being comfortable with my surgeon is the most important thing.  I can’t believe that the surgery is barely over a month away!  Yikes!!

Have a beautiful day!

11/9/15: Family Coming to Town This Week!

Days of abstinence: 47

Days until surgery: 35

Weight:  160.4 pounds

We spent the weekend cleaning, organizing, planning and cooking!  We will have 14 family members coming to town this week for what is turning into a family reunion!  We are so excited!  Hence, all the exclamation marks!!!

Six of the fourteen are adults (our kids and their spouses) and 8 are grandchildren, ages 12 to newborn.  We rented a house about 3 miles from here where all of the adults and their infants will be sleeping.  We’ll have the five oldest grandkids (ages almost 3 to 12) staying here with us.  It’ll be a blast.  Jackie and I really enjoy it when we get the opportunity to spend time with our grandchildren.  We’ve carved out little nuggets of time here and there over the years that are very special memories, I hope this becomes one of those!

I was so tired last night that I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30.  Mind you, I got up at 3:00am to get the pot roast out of the crock pot and just stayed up, so that has something to do with the 7:30pm bed time.  I still didn’t get everything done that I wanted to get done yesterday, but I got close.  Hey, I got to go shopping and get some new pans, so I’m happy.  I love buying new pans.  For some women, it’s shoes.  For me, it’s pans.  There is something about having the perfect pan for whatever it is that I am cooking that makes me happy.  I wonder if I had a pan deficiency when I was a kid. 

I got a slightly late start this morning because I did not want to get out of bed to exercise.  I had plenty of sleep, but my exercise habit hasn’t been much of a habit, lately.  Work has intruded way too far into my personal life and I need to wrestle the balance back into place.  Eventually, I did pull myself out of bed and I did do my workout, so it’s all ok.  I’m just going to be a few minutes later for work than I want to be.

With regard to food, all I have to say is, “It’s just sugar.”  I don’t miss it.  I don’t miss sweet treats at all.  I certainly don’t miss the constant struggle with deciding whether or not I should eat something.  I plan on baking cookies for the family tonight.  I’m a little anxious about that.  What I am most anxious about is I am planning on making some oatmeal cookies and substituting banana for the egg (there are some advantages to having been vegan for a while, I know decent egg substitutes).  We have one grandchild with an egg allergy.  The reason I am anxious about the oatmeal cookies is I know I will want to taste one to see if they turned out ok, but I can’t let myself do that.  Jack will have to be my taste tester.  Of course, the real taste tester will be James!!  I think it would be a HUGE mistake to ever put a cooking in my mouth again, so I am not going to do it.  Sorry, Jack, I guess you’ll have to make sure the cookies are good enough to share with family!

It’ll be an action packed week.  We have two more evenings to prepare and everyone starts arriving on Wednesday evening.

Have a beautiful day. 

11/8/15: Starting to Freak Out a Little

Days of abstinence: 46

Days until surgery: 36

Weight:  160.0 pounds

I can’t believe this surgery is only 36 days away.  There was a time, not all that long ago, when I swore I would never have an elective surgery.  But here I go, anyway.

I have had a few surgeries in my life and recovered from all of them well.  That fact has played a role in my decision to go forward with this procedure.  If I had a lot of difficulty with prior surgeries, or if I had no experience with surgery, I might not be doing this.  The major surgeries I have had are 1) a C-section with baby number one; 2) throat and nasal surgery to cure sleep apnea when I was 40 (This was, technically, a voluntary surgery, too.  The surgeon removed my tonsils, adenoids, uvula, part of my soft palate, and tissue in my sinuses.  Yes, my sleep apnea was cured and I no longer snore.  This was not just a good result, it was a miraculous result.); 3) a hysterectomy in conjunction with removing an ovarian torsion (and ladies, you don’t know pain until you have had an ovarian torsion).

After each one of these surgeries my recovery went smoothly and the results were as good as or better than expected.  My body heals relatively quickly and scarring from surgery is not excessive.  The pain has always been manageable.  I feel confident that I will manage this surgery well, too.  But I am still anxious.  Who wouldn’t be?

That said, I know I am doing the right thing at the right time.   I started the process of interviewing surgeons this spring.  I really thought I was done yo-yoing.  I weighed around 158 pounds at the time, after dropping about 20 pounds that I had gained back.  I felt so much conviction to never gain weight again.  I knew I was done with it.

Then, the summer from hell at work happened.  I felt very stressed all summer long.  I responded by eating too much.  Mostly, I increased my consumption of candy and other sweet treats.  I gained 10 pounds back.  Again.  Ugh.  I found myself wanting to sneak treats.  Sneak treats???  Really??? I’m 53 years old!!!  I don’t need to sneak anything.  No one cares what I eat.  No one but me, that is.  I can’t hide what I eat from myself.  That was the turning moment.  I blogged about the fact that I wanted to sneak sweet treats and my sister Ruth said (via text message, mind you), “Have you consider seeking therapy for your food addiction?”  Damn!  Really?  Do I really have to face this demon head on?

I am so glad I did.  After one therapy session, a lot of agonizing, and a bit of dedicated blogging; I have owned the fact that I am a sugar addict.  I have committed to giving up sugar in all of its forms (natural or artificial) for life.  Since then, I have slowly but surely been dropping weight at about the rate of 5 pounds a month.  More importantly, I am no longer struggling with food.  I just eat less.  Quitting sugar (for life) has transformed the way I respond to all food.  I feel more comfortable than I ever have about the ability to maintain a healthy weight.  But when I look in the mirror and see that flabby belly hanging over my C-section scar, my upper abdomen protruding over my belly button, and the large pendulum breasts just swinging away; I want to cry.  It’s as if all the hard work is for nothing.  It is amazing the damage that being overweight has done to the outside of my body.  I can only imagine how hard it was on the inside of my body.  I want these visual reminders of that excess weight to be gone.  I want to feel good in my own skin.  I know when I get my tummy and breasts fixed I will feel more confident.  I’ve thought about doing something like this for years.  Finally, I’m doing it.

I am anxious, but I am also excited.  December 14^th will be here before I know it.  I’m looking forward to blogging about being “on the flat side.”

Have a beautiful day!!

11/7/15: Surgery Rescheduled

Days of abstinence: 45

Days until surgery: 37

Weight:  160.0 pounds

My surgery has been rescheduled for December 14^th at 9:00AM at Overland Park Surgical Center.  I need to be there at 7:30 in the morning to get prepped.  It’s just a little over a month away.  This is really happening!

This next week should be filled with fun and excitement!  We are looking forward to our kids and grandkids coming to visit.  My first task, this morning, is to put together a grocery shopping list.  Tomorrow I will do a lot of cooking.  Preparation is key!

I’ve been a little tired this week.  I wake up all raring to go, but by the end of the day I’ve had enough.  I think it has a lot to do with work.  Even though I didn’t work as many hours this week, the tension level is pretty high.  It wears on my after a while.  Maybe next week will bring a little more focus and clear direction.  We shall see.

I’m happy to see the drop in the scale this morning.  160.0.  With any luck at all I’ll be in the 150s by the end of the weekend.  Yeah!!  I only have slightly over a month until surgery.  My best guess is that I’ll be somewhere around 154 - 155 at that time.  I’ve been losing about 5 pounds a month.  That will be fine.

It’s Saturday morning, so it’s my day to pay bills, reconcile accounts, making shopping lists, scrub bathrooms, etc.  I better get started!

Have a beautiful day! 

11/6/15: Mentally Preparing for Surgery

Days of abstinence: 44

Days until surgery: 40 (or so – still waiting for dates from Dr. Hodge’s office) 

Weight:  161.8 pounds (This pattern is so predictable – lose a couple pounds over a week or so, then stabilize around that weight for a week or so.  You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but I still get frustrated when I go four or five days without losing any weight.  *Sigh*  The good news is that this is the last time I’ll be doing this!  Now that I am sugar-free for life,  I am confident that I have found the answer to maintaining at or very close to my goal weight, forever.

A few months ago, when we thought that I was going to have the surgery in September, we bought a nice recliner for the family room.  I have read that a lot of women spend most of the first two weeks after a mommy makeover in their recliner.  Makes sense to me!  Last night I ordered some warm winter nightgowns from Soft Surroundings.  I love their clothes.  They are expensive, so I seldom order anything from them, but I decided that this was a special occasion.  I usually wear pajamas with pants in the wintertime, but after my surgery I won’t want anything around my waist, so the warm nightgowns make sense.  I ordered several, I hope I like them all but if I don’t I’ll return the ones I don’t like.  I love getting new pajamas.  It’s silly, I know, but they are just so comfy!!

I feel really comfortable with my decision to have Dr. Hodge do my surgery.  I know I have said this before, about the other surgeons, but this feels different.  I like him, as a person, and I trust him, as a surgeon.  I am moving forward with this decision.

It’s hard to believe that I am doing this in little over a month.  I’ll be out of commission for a couple of weeks and sailing at half-mast for quite a while after that.  I know it will be worth it.  I am looking forward to all of this extra skin being gone!!!  Forever!!!

I don’t think there is much to do except wait for my pre-op appointment, which will be two weeks prior to surgery.  At that appointment I will be given the prescriptions that I need to pick up and any last minute prep instructions.  I am thinking about it more and more, the closer it gets.  Yikes!!  This is a big deal!

There doesn’t seem to be much to write about anymore, with regard to food.  I just don’t think about it very much, which is awesome.  One of the changes that I have made in my weekly routine, since I have been so busy, is that I cook all of our meals first thing Sunday morning, rather than waiting until later in the day.  First thing Sunday morning is early for me, around 5:30 or 6:00AM.  If I start cooking as soon as I get up, I am done with all of my cooking for the week by 10:00 or 11:00, depending on how complex the meals are that week.  It’s amazing how much easier it is for me to do my cooking early in the morning.  I am a morning person, so that helps!  I am not tired or cranky, like I can get towards the end of the day, and cooking doesn’t feel like a chore.  If I wait until early afternoon on Sunday to cook, I can resent the fact that it takes such a chunk out of my day a little bit.  But if I get up and knock it out early Sunday morning, I have a big chunk of it done before Jack even wakes up.  I’m pretty sure this is the way to go.  We’ll see if I maintain that habit even when I am not burning the candle from both ends.

This weekend I will be doing a lot of cooking, preparing for the arrival of our family.  We have a great big cooler and it works pretty well to cook the bulk of the meals and store them in the cooler, so that I can reheat them at meal times.  That way I don’t have to spend a lot of time cooking when everyone is here, and I can spend more time visiting and playing.  We’re going to have a blast!!

I’m off to work.  There is a project I want to finish this morning before everyone starts showing up.

Have a beautiful day! 

Animated videos of surgical procedures

For the curious souls out there:

At the below web address (American Society of Plastic Surgeons) you will find animated videos of the procedures that I am having.  The two procedures I am having is a full tummy tuck and a breast lift, using the anchor method (you'll understand what that is once you have seen the video).

Click on:  Body/Tummy Tuck - Full; and  Breast/Breast Lift to see animations of the surgeries.

It's hard to believe that I am actually going to do this!

11/5/15: I’m Switching Surgeons, Again

Days of abstinence: 43

Days until surgery: 41 (or so) 

Weight:  161.4 pounds (and here we are, on another plateau)

My food program is continuing to be easy to follow.  I am not having any issues with eating too much, eating too often, or eating off program foods.  This sure is nice.

I got all of my filing caught up!  Now all of the projects that I have put off around the house are done and the only remaining tasks to do to prepare for the kids’ visit is cleaning and cooking.  Jack and I should be able to get all of that done this weekend without any problem.  It feels great to have the bedrooms and closets cleaned out and organized, all of the pictures re-hung, and all the filing done.  I’m not tripping over stuff all the time.  It makes me wonder why I didn’t get it done a long time ago.  Sometimes I am a victim of my own procrastination.

I had a second consultation with Dr. Keith Hodge of Overland Park, KS, yesterday.  He was recommended to me by a plastic surgeon who retired this spring.  I was impressed by Dr. Hodge the first time I met him, but he had the unfortunate luck of being the first surgeon that I talked to.  As such, I wasn’t quite as prepared to make a decision when I met with him as I was later in the process.  I am currently scheduled to have the procedure done with Dr. John Michael Quinn.  Both Dr. Hodge and Dr. Quinn are very well regarded plastic surgeons in the metro area.  The reason I am reconsidering my choice is because of comments a couple of women have made about Dr. Quinn’s after surgery care.  Basically, both of these women stated that he was dismissive of their concerns about their results.  When I met with Dr. Hodge and his assistant yesterday we talked a lot about exactly what I could expect from my results and what Dr. Hodge’s practice was after surgery.  By the time I got done talking with them I became much more comfortable with the decision to have Dr. Hodge do my surgery.  Kimber, Dr. Hodge’s assistant, said that I should be able to have the procedure done the same week that I am now scheduled, but we don’t have the exact date yet. 

This is the second time I’ve switched surgeons since I have made the decision to have this surgery done.  I am a little frustrated with myself for second guessing myself, but at the same time, I want to be 100% comfortable with my choice of surgeon.  It turns out that is more easily said than done.  This surgery is a big deal.  It’s permanent.  It’s not like I can return it after purchase if I am not happy with what I bought.  Maybe it’s natural that I keep second guessing myself.   I’ll post the exact date of surgery once we get the surgery booked.   I am looking forward to the surgery being done and over with, being recovered, and moving on to the next stage of my program.  I haven’t thought about this before, but I think the surgery and my recovery afterwards will be the end of Stage 2.  Stage 1 was the initial weight loss of 70+ pounds in 2011.  Stage 2 was settling into a routine of keeping my weight at least relative close to my goal weight, exercising regularly, and establishing what my rest-of-my-life eating program is going to be.  One of the things I have been incredibly uncomfortable with since I lost this weight is all of the extra skin that I have since losing this weight.  It will soon be gone.  Once I have recovered from that I will begin Stage 3, which should last the rest of my life.  Stage 3 will be all about maintaining a healthy lifestyle, day-in and day-out.

Here’s to having another beautiful day!   

11/4/15: My Weight Loss Graph, October 15, 2011, Through Yesterday, November 3, 2015

Days of abstinence: 42

Days until surgery: 42 

Weight:  161.2 pounds

I worked out yesterday morning, went for a 2 mile walk last night with Jack and got to bed early enough last night so that I could exercise again this morning.  It feels good to be getting back into my routine.  I started my Black Fire video series over again since I had missed so many workouts in the last couple of weeks.  I hate starting all over again, but I am weaker than I was just a few weeks ago.  It is amazing how fast the body starts to decay when you don’t take the time to exercise.  The book, "Younger Next Year," was absolutely correct when it said you either grow a little each day or decay a little each day and we get to make the choice of which one we want, by deciding to exercise or not exercise each and every day.  The book, "It Starts With Food," is correct (in my opinion) when it says there is no such thing as a net neutral food.  The food I eat is either going to make me healthier or less healthy.  There is no in-between.  Sometimes it’s hard not to beat myself up a little bit and wonder why I couldn’t have figured so much of this out a 10 or 20 years ago.  The important thing is to know that the next 50 years are going to be so much better than they would be if I hadn’t started making these major changes 4 years ago.   

I’ve been tracking my weight in My Fitness Pal since October 15, 2011.  Here is a snapshot of the graph (you can click on the graph to see it more clearly):

What a road this has been!

On the one hand, I can’t say I am proud of the 2 year climb back to 179.4 pounds.  On the other hand, I am kind of proud that I topped out at only 179.4 pounds and that it took me two years to gain that much weight back.  In previous cycles, I would have gained all of the weight back that I had lost, plus ten pounds in much less time than it took me to gain 29.4 pounds.  What I think is most interesting about this graph is the downward trend of the peaks.  First of all, 228 pounds is not the most I have ever weighed.  The heaviest weight that I ever saw on a scale was 238 pounds when I was 39 years old.  I believe my heaviest weight ever was probably right around 250 pounds because that 238 pound weigh-in was after I had been doing Tae Kwon Do and dieting for several months.  I was too scared to get on a scale before then.

What I see, when I look at this graph, starting with the 228 pounds on October 15^th and ending with yesterday, is the peaks are getting lower and lower.  I am getting more and more uncomfortable with being overweight and I am getting better at stopping the behavior that is causing the weight gain and getting back on track.  None of the downward ticks, after the upward climbs, came accidentally.  Every last one of them was a conscious decision to get back on track.  I am excited that I am getting close to my goal weight of 150 pounds.  What I am even more excited about is that I believe I have finally found the key to keeping my weight close to my goal weight for the rest of my life;  abstain from sugar forever.

As I said in yesterday’s post, I am not struggling with food decisions anymore.  I’m not wrestling with an inner voice that keeps saying, “You can eat that, it won’t matter.”  One candy bar does matter.  It matters a lot.  I have rationalized, hundreds of times, eating one candy bar.  It’s only 210 calories.  That’s not much.  You can make up for that by going for a walk or eating less dinner.  Of course, as often as I ate one candy bar, I’d eat two candy bars.  Now I’m up to 420 calories.  That’s a whole meal.  And then I am fighting cravings for the next several days.

I keep using the word “relief,” to the point that I feel like I am over using it; but I can’t think of a better word to use.  I am so relieved that the inner voices have quieted and that I am on a plan that I know will get me to my goal weight and that I know will allow me to maintain my goal weight for the rest of my life; without a daily struggle with food choices.  The books, “Younger Next Year,” and “It Starts With Food,” got me started on the lifelong changes that I’ve made.  Accepting the fact that I am a sugar addict and making the decision to abstain from sugar forever was the final piece of the puzzle.  It is all falling into place.  Finally.  Whew!  What a ride!!

Have a beautiful day! 

11/3/15: Finding Peace with Food

Days of abstinence: 41

Days until surgery: 43 

Weight:  161.2 pounds

Baseball is done for the season.  Kickball is also done.  Work is slowing down a little bit.  I had time to exercise this morning.  Life is starting to feel normal again.  Thank goodness!  That was a rough couple of months.  I got two of my three weekend projects done, so far.  The two bedrooms are ready for grandchildren and I switched out my summer and winter clothes and got all of my clothes put away.  Now, I just need to get my filing caught up during the evenings this week and then I will be ready this weekend to clean bathrooms and the kitchen and cook meals in preparation for our family’s arrival.  I’m starting to feel a little calmer and less stressed about everything.  I’m so glad.  I’m looking forward to a more relaxed pace for a while.

I’ve been thinking a lot about being a sugar addict, lately.  Mostly, I’ve been thinking about how grateful I am that I have been sugar free for 41 days, going on the rest of my life.  I have no desire to eat sugar again, ever.  I have no cravings for donuts or candy or cookies or cake.  One of the most satisfying aspects of abstaining from sugar is the fact that the rest of my diet has started regulating itself.  Almost without effort, I am sticking to my Program.  It feels like I am on cruise control or auto pilot.  I still enjoy cooking a variety of food and trying new things, so meals are not boring, but they are just meals.  My meal time does not spill into other parts of my day.  I don’t eat snacks.  I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and that’s it.  I don’t even think about eating after dinner.  Once dinner is done, and I try to eat by 5:30 and no later than 6:00, I just don’t think about eating anymore.  It wasn’t that long ago that when I packed lunch for work I packed a big bag of (healthy) food.  I’d pack lunch but I’d also pack an extra apple and some nuts.  Now I pack my serving of lunch and one apple and that’s it.  That’s all that comes to work with me and that is just fine.  I don’t get cravings, I don’t find myself crawling through the cupboards looking for something to eat, and I never feel like I have to eat right this minute.   I find this change in my attitude towards food remarkable.  I always thought that I would be fighting back an urge to eat for the rest of my life.  Monitoring my food intake has felt like a constant arm wrestling match for as long as I can remember.  I’ve always known that I have a natural tendency to eat too much.  I’ve said it before, I have a consumption problem.  It’s been a lifelong struggle to limit the amount of food I consume so that I am not overweight.  I have given up sugar before, but it has always been temporary.  I’ve tried different programs that recommend eliminating sugar for a period of time and gradually adding back small amounts of sugar.  I’ve thought (and the programs I’ve read about – including the Whole 30 - encouraged this thought) that I could manage my use of sugar.  I now realize that this concept is just as crazy for me as it is for a heroin addict to think she can manage her use of heroin, or for an alcoholic to think he can manage his use of booze.  When I tried to manage my use of sugar, I kept the addiction alive and it impacted every food decision I made throughout the day.

I’ve been sugar free for 41 days.  I think (though I can’t swear to it) that this is the longest I have gone in my life with no sugar.  I’ve cut out sugar before, but I can’t recall a time in my life that I eliminated all sugar and sugar substitutes (including honey, syrup, and artificial sweeteners – including sugar-free mints and gum, etc.) for any period of time.  I’ve never said 100% and unequivocally, that I would never eat anything that has sugar or a sugar like substance in it ever again.  This decision has completely changed the way I think and feel about food.  I am truly grateful that I came to the realization, with my sister’s urging, that I needed to once and for all admit that I am an addict.  As an addict, I am either using or not using my drug of choice.  There is no in-between.  There is no moderation.  There is no just a little bit.  I’m done.  The war with sugar is over.  I had no idea that that would mean that my war with food would also be over, but it certainly seems to be the case.  It seems, so far, that I have found my peace with food.  Wow.  What a remarkable feeling this is.

May we all find peace in our lives.

Have a beautiful day!

11/2/15: There will be a Victory Parade in Kansas City!

Days of abstinence: 40

Days until surgery: 44 

Weight:  161.2 pounds

The Kansas City Royals won the World Series!!  There is so much joy in our house.  Jack is ecstatic!  We started buying ticket packages, starting with 10 games and this season with 20 games (a quarter season), and attending games regularly 5 years ago.  Through attending games I have become a fan of the game and of the Boys in Blue.  I still don’t really enjoy watching the game on TV.  That’s partly because I don’t like watching TV and that is partly because the game is so different on TV than it is live.  So last night, after about the 4^th inning, I went to bed.  I asked Jack to wake me up when they started winning.  I heard a massive yell right before midnight.  I didn’t know if we just won or we just lost, but something dramatic just happened, so I put on my robe and my glasses and walked out to the family room to see if I was going to be greeted with agony or ecstasy.  It was the former.  The Royals had just scored the go ahead run in the 12^th inning.  I stayed up to watch the Royals score several more runs and a lot of celebrating and replays afterwards.  I finally went to bed again at about 1:30 in the morning.  I didn’t fall asleep until Jack crawled into bed at 2:00.  4:00AM came awfully early this morning, so I stayed in bed until 6:00.  Go Royals!!

All is well with my Program.  I’ve been sugar free for 40 days.  That feels like a huge accomplishment for me.  Even bigger is that I have no cravings and no desire to ever eat anything sweet again.  Someday I am sure someone will offer me something that will look very good at the moment, but even then I know I will abstain.  Sweets are gone from my life, forever.

I weighed 161.2 pounds this morning.  Hey there 150s, I am knocking on your door!!

Have a beautiful day!

11/1/15: Second Guessing my Choice of Surgeons

Days of abstinence: 39

Days until surgery: 45 

Weight:  161.8 pounds

Before I talk briefly about the fact that I am second guessing my choice of surgeons, I am going to do something I don’t think I’ve ever done before on my blog, I am going to cut and past the final words from yesterday’s post into this one.  Every morning, prior to putting up a new blog post, I read yesterday’s blog post.  It’s always interesting to read what I said yesterday because it captures a moment.  My blog posts are seldom, if ever, premeditated.  Sometimes I have an idea of one thing that I want to talk about, but more often than not that thought veers off into an unexpected direction.  I guess that is what is fun, interesting, and effective about blogging.  I’ve said before that it helps me keep my thoughts straight.  By that I mean when I write down my thoughts, I stop the looping that occurs when I am stressed about something or not making good choices.  Once I write about it, I can put it away for the day.  Anyway, yesterday I ended my blog post with these words:

“I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel confident.  This is a nice way to live.  I feel like I am making choices rationally, not succumbing to cravings or falling victim to my addiction.  I am not beating myself up about my food choices or about how much I weigh.  I am not measuring my food, counting calories, or fussing about little choices.  I’m cooking healthy meals, eating three times a day, and that’s that.  It feels so natural.  My body and my brain are happy on this plan.  It just plain works for me (and my husband!).”

When I read those words this morning I said to myself, “Yeah, that’s right.  That is exactly how I feel.”  I may have to print those words out in a big font with a pretty picture in the background and tape it to the refrigerator so I never forget how being solidly on this program makes me feel.  So no matter what happens with my current worrying about surgeons, whether I postpone surgery to give myself time to interview more surgeons or I go ahead on the 16^th with Dr. Quinn, I will not waiver from this program.  I love feeling this good.

With regard to second guessing my choice of surgeons, I belong to a website whose users are all people that have had or are considering having plastic surgery.  It is full of real life experiences, including surgeon reviews.  There are several very positive reviews of Dr. Quinn, but yesterday I logged into the website for the first time since I changed surgeons and I had a comment from someone that had a negative experience with Dr. Quinn.  Her complaint was that she had poor results (she had a breast augmentation and one of the breast implants did not drop properly, so the results were very uneven) and Dr. Quinn was not willing to work with her to fix it.  I immediately panicked and started doing more poking around the site.  I found several other positive reviews and then found a second one stating she had a similar problem with Dr. Quinn.  Ugh.   I private messaged both women and asked for more information.  I heard back from one and she said that Dr. Quinn finally admitted the results were not good and said he would work with her to fix it.  Of course that means another surgery, which cannot be done for several more months.  So, as she put it, she will not be able to give him a positive review until the second procedure is done and she sees how it turns out.

All day yesterday I stressed about this.  One of the reasons I find this particularly stressful is I really like the date that we are scheduled to do the surgery.  It is conveniently on December 16^th.  I can take the rest of the year off and not be back at work until the 4^th of January.  Jack already has most of that time off because of the Christmas break they get at work.  I am also mentally prepared for the surgery.  I am ready to do this.  I have a $500 deposit down on the surgery, too, but that is minor.  In fact, all of this is minor compared to having the confidence that I have the right surgeon.  As I write this I am more aware than ever that I need to spend a little more time doing a little more research.  I don’t need to cancel my appointment with Dr. Quinn to visit with a few more surgeons and make absolutely sure I am making the right choice.  It’s going to take some time away from the office, but I want to do this once and only once.  This is a really big deal.  I need to be super confident that I have made the best choice I can make.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

We made a lot of progress yesterday in getting the house ready for the kids.  The two bedrooms are cleaned up and the beds are made, ready for our grandkids to sleep in.  I rehung all the pictures that came off the walls when we had the house re-sided a year ago.  It’s crazy that it took that long to do that project!  Today, along with cooking and kickball, I need to get my filing done.  Then, the only thing left to do to prepare for the upcoming visit is cleaning and cooking which we can get done next weekend.  We are so glad all the kids are coming to visit!!  It’ll be great to see everyone, especially our two newest babies, Alena and Jordan.  It’s always nice to get to spend time with the babies, because they are not babies very long!! 

As usual, so much to do and not much time to do it, so I gotta run. 

Have a beautiful day!