10/31/15: I Don’t Have to Work this Weekend!

Days of abstinence: 38

Days until surgery: 46 

Weight:  162.2 pounds

It’s been a while, a long while, since I had an entire weekend off.  The timing is good since we have a lot of family coming to town in less than two weeks for what is turning out to be a family reunion.  We will have quite the crowd here and we need the time to get the house in order.  We have a back bedroom that we don’t use for anything and it’s full of stuff that never made its way into the basement.  Today and tomorrow there will be a lot of organizing going on.  I am also way behind on my filing.  It’ll be good to get caught up today.

I’m still feeling great about my program. I bought the Whole30 book last weekend and made a few new recipes from it last week and they were all good.  It was nice having something different to eat.  I think I might make the chicken cacciatore for the kids while they’re here.  It was really good.  I’ll try some more new recipes this week. 

As my weight inches closer to the 150s I am feeling more confident that I will at least be close to my goal weight of 150 prior to surgery.  I can already feel subtle changes starting to happen that are hard to describe but they are the things that make the difference between feeling overweight and feeling like I am the right weight.  I noticed this the last time I was getting close to 150, too.  It always seemed so arbitrary to me that based on my BMI (I am 5’6” tall) I am considered overweight at anything over 154 pounds, until I reached 154 pounds.   When I am between 150 and 155 pounds I don’t feel like I am carrying around extra weight.  It feels like I am the weight I am supposed to be.  When I am in that range I don’t want to be thinner.  I wish I could describe why that weight feels right to me, but it is little things, like my breasts don’t feel heavy any more.  They’re all droopy and yucky (we’re going to fix that!) but they don’t feel too heavy.  In spite of not being able to describe why it feels like the right weight, I can tell I’m getting closer to it by the way my body feels to me.  It’s not about the way I look, I can’t really see a few pounds in the mirror, it’s really about the way my body feels.  I’m getting there, one pound at a time and that is a very satisfying feeling.

This is satisfying.  It gives me a lot of confidence to be 38 days into abstinence and know that I will never eat sugar again.  It also gives me a lot of confidence that I am 38 days into the Whole30 and know that I will stay On Program until I have recovered from surgery.  There is no doubt in my mind, none at all, that this is the healthiest food program I have ever been on.  You just have to look at my plates of food to know that this makes sense.  Breakfast is eggs and half a plate of veggies and a small bowl of fruit.  Lunch is chicken or beef or pork (all locally raised, pen free, antibiotic free, etc.), a bunch of veggies and an apple.  Dinner is just like lunch (that would be because lunch is leftover dinners).  There are no snacks.  I drink water and coffee.  Coffee is limited to one French press potful (about 2 ½ cups) a day.  The Whole30 is considered an elimination diet because it does eliminate certain foods from your diet, but it doesn’t feel like an elimination diet to me.  In fact, it bothers me when it is described as an elimination diet. 

When I think "elimination diet" I think of something like Atkins, which removes virtually all carbs from your diet and completely alters the way your body fuels itself by forcing your body into lipolysis or ketosis.  I just read a brief article on the Atkins website and it talks a lot about how being in ketosis is natural and is the most efficient way to lose weight.  This may be true, I have done no scientific studies on ketosis and the impact being in ketosis has on the body.  What I have done is the Atkins diet (and many, many other diets) and when I was on Atkins I felt terrible.  Not only did my breath stink, I had no energy.  I went on a short bike ride when I was about 3 weeks into an Atkins diet and just about fell off my bike.  I was losing weight, but I didn’t feel good.   A diet like Atkins stresses eating proteins and fats and severely limiting carbohydrates.

The Whole30 does not do that.  In fact, the Whole30 is exactly the opposite.  It encourages moderate amounts of protein, lots of veggies (including starchy, carbohydrate rich veggies like potatoes), and healthy fats.  What it discourages is anything manufactured in a factory.  It does eliminate a long list of foods, but these are all foods that some people (not all people) have a sensitivity to, in one way or another.  The Whole30 is designed to allow adding back some of these foods to your diet after the initial 30 days.  The thing is, I can’t quite figure out why I would want to do that, except out of convenience.  I don’t need or want to add back any of the foods for the purpose of our day-to-day home cooked meals.  The recipes I have and that I can find on the internet are delicious and satisfying and I have no need or desire to cook with any of the foods that aren’t allowed on the Whole30.  On the other hand, it is very difficult to eat at a restaurant and find food that you know, without a doubt, is Whole 30 compliant.  If you decide to do the Whole30, for the first 30 days it is easier if you can just avoid eating out.  So the convenience factor comes in when I think about the rest of my life.  I’ll always have to avoid restaurant salad dressings, as they almost always contain sugar.  But it is fun to eat out every now and then.  It takes a little fun out of eating out when you have to dissect the menu and quiz your server about every ingredient in every dish (which is why you might as well just eat at home for the first 30 days of your program).  Something might sound perfect and then you find out it has peas in it.  Nope, not Whole30 compliant.  Or you might want to order the crab cakes, but then you realize they are made with bread crumbs.  Nix that.  Until such a time that someone opens a Whole30 restaurant, eating out and staying on program will be a difficult (though not impossible) thing to do.  I think after February 1^st, I’ll start allowing myself to enjoy a night out every now and then, and not worry about hidden off Program foods.  I’ll always make choices that are primarily Whole30 compliant.  For example, pasta dishes are out forever, but I won’t stress over eating a chicken dish that is cooked with red wine. 

I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel confident.  This is a nice way to live.  I feel like I am making choices rationally, not succumbing to cravings or falling victim to my addiction.  I am not beating myself up about my food choices or about how much I weigh.  I am not measuring my food, counting calories, or fussing about little choices.  I’m cooking healthy meals, eating three times a day, and that’s that.  It feels so natural.  My body and my brain are happy on this plan.  It just plain works for me (and my husband!).

I guess I better sign off.  I have a lot to do today.

Have a beautiful day! 

10/30/15: Sleep! It Does the Body Good!

Days of abstinence: 37

Days until surgery: 47 

Weight:  162.4 pounds

We post-bowled last night because the Royals game on Wednesday took precedence over bowling league.  The nice thing about post-bowling is that it goes a lot fast than league bowling, so we were home before 9:00 last night.  I went straight to bed when we got home and had a good, solid night’s sleep.  I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because it was cold in the house, but that’s the only reason I didn’t want to get up.  I woke up slightly before the alarm went off and felt well rested and ready to go. 

The other bit of good news (it feels like good news to me, anyway) is that the deadline for the project that I have been working on 24/7 for the last couple of months got pushed out by a week or two.  This is good news to me because 99% of the work I needed to do is complete and at this point the ball is in other people’s courts.  That means I don’t have to work this weekend and, for the most part, my really ridiculous schedule of 10-14 hour days, 7 days a week, is done.  I need one more early morning (this morning) to finish a financial model I am working on for a meeting today, but after that, I think reasonable 10 hour days, 6 day weeks, will get me through the rest of this crunch time.  I should be able to manage that, cook all the food I need to cook (that is the only chore I’ve been able to maintain through all this), exercise regularly (I haven’t had time to exercise all week – and that is bad), and get enough sleep.  I am going to enjoy having a schedule that resembles normalcy.  Oh yeah, and there are a maximum of 4 ballgames left, with 2 potential ballgames being at home on Tuesday and Wednesday next week.  I am hoping that we don’t need a game 6 or a game 7, but if we do come home to play ball, I feel confident that we will have had at least one win in New York and our Royals and Johnny Cueto will finish them off on Tuesday.  I’m putting my money on the assumption that Johnny will come out ready to roll for game 6, just like he did for game 2.  That will be the last game of the season for him and after that he is on the market.  If he clinches the World Series for the Royals after the huge clinching game 5 of the ALDS and the huge game 2 of the World Series, I think he can name his price.  If he implodes in game 6 like he did in Toronto, he will still get a decent contract, but I think it will impact his marketability.  I’m no expert, but from what I’ve noticed I believe that when Johnny really wants it, he gets it.  He’ll want that win in game 6 as much or more than anyone else in Kansas City.  Despite all that, I’m still hoping a game 6 is unnecessary.

My food program is as solid as solid can be.  It feels as if there is very little to talk about when it comes to food these days.  I’m On Program and have no desire to eat or drink anything off program.  The only thing I kind of want sometimes is another cup of coffee when I get to work.  Honestly, I think that is just a security blanket kind of thing.  There is something reassuring about having a hot cup of coffee on my desk.  But I am avoiding coffee at work, altogether, and once the urge passes I am fine. 

This morning I found myself wondering what foods and drinks I have given up forever, in addition to sugar and sugar substitutes.  I don’t know the answer to that question.  I know that I am staying 100% On Program until February 1^st (I just picked that date, but it makes sense, that gives me 6 weeks of recovery after surgery with what I consider to be an optimal diet), but after February 1^st will I want to eat or drink off program foods?  I have no idea.  Sugar, sugar substitutes, and sweet treats have been eliminated from my diet forever.  But what about bread, wine, legumes, oatmeal, quinoa, rice and other such foods that are currently eliminated from my diet that are not sugar?  This is the quandary:  I feel great right now, 37 days into the Whole30, in spite of a ridiculous work load and not getting enough sleep or exercise.  I attribute that to my diet.  Why would I want to feel less good than I feel right now?  This is the second time that I have done the Whole30.  It made me feel just as good last time I did it.  Then I slowly let non-program foods slip into my diet.  The shift was subtle, but the decline in my wellbeing became noticeable.  Why then, would I change anything?  I like the food I’m eating, I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I can maintain my weight easily, eating like this.  It’s as if this program causes my body to be able to self-regulate food consumption at an optimum level.  It really is amazing.  Why on earth would I change a thing?  I have no idea.  But, this sounds so stupid but there is a “but,” it is easy to imagine being at a restaurant for a special occasion and eating a piece of bread or drinking a glass of wine.  I have no idea why I would want to do that, but I can imagine myself wanting to do that.  This is the sort of thing I need to think about.  I do know this, I am not addicted to bread or wine, I am addicted to sugar.  Therefore I must abstain from sugar for life but I don’t feel like a must abstain from other off program foods for life.  I will want to get this figured out before February 1^st.

I’ve got to run. 

Have a beautiful day.

10/29/15: The Royals are off to New York With a 2-0 Lead in the Series!

Days of abstinence: 36

Days until surgery: 48 

Weight:  162.4 pounds

Wow!  What a season it has been!  We may or may not get to go to another Royals baseball game this year, depending on whether or not the Royals can win two games in New York.  Worst case scenario, they come back to Kansas City for game 6 and maybe game 7.  It be fun to get to go to another ball game, but this fan wants them to win in New York.  Go Royals!

For my last month of ball games, I’ve been packing my good and water so that I would not be tempted to eat or drink off plan.  In fact, one of the last off plan days I had was at the ball park.  Now that I am 36 days into abstinence, I don’t find myself wishing I could eat or drink off program when I’m at a game.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  Yesterday, when we arrived, I felt a sense of relief that I would not be tempted by any of the food and drink.  We’re there to watch a ball game, after all, not eat dinner or get drunk.  It works just fine to pack food and water.  I sure feel better the next day for it.  And weigh less, too!

Speaking of weighing less, I am super pleased that I have started losing weight again.  I’ll be back in the 150s before I know it.  That will feel like a victory, even though at 159 I’ll still be 9 pounds from goal.  Being in the 150s just feels good.  I am glad that I am getting close.

Have a beautiful day!

10/28/15: No Time to Blog

Days of abstinence: 35

Days until surgery: 49 

Weight:  163.0 pounds

No time to blog.  I'm already at work at 6:30AM.  The Royals won in 14 innings last night and I did not get to bed until 1:15AM or so.  I'm one tired puppy.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day!

10/27/2015: Big Ball Game Tonight!

Days of abstinence: 34

Days until surgery: 50 (My countdown got off by a day somewhere.  There are really 50 days left)

Weight:  163.0 pounds

It’s a relief to see the scale moving in the right direction again.  I’ve been consistently more disciplined about not eating any fruit & nut snacks, eating dinner a little earlier, and eating more green veggies.  These were very small changes to my diet, but they seem to have made a difference between losing weight and not losing weight.  There are moments in the day that I want to eat, not a craving exactly, but I get a vague sense that I feel like eating even though I am not particularly hungry.  Usually it goes away when I get up from my desk for a few minutes, get a fresh glass of water, and decompress before getting back to my job.  If it doesn’t pass and it’s within an hour or so of my normal meal time, I go ahead and eat my lunch or dinner.  Yesterday, I ate dinner at around 4:00, for example.  That was fine.  I didn’t get hungry before bed.  I imagine my biorhythms are a little off from all the late night baseball and long days at the office.  I’m looking forward to post-postseason baseball season and getting this deal in the bag.  Funny that both are supposed to happen in the same week.

We are going to the first game of the World Series tonight!  I am so happy for Jack.  I have developed a real liking of the game of baseball and I am a Royals fan, but I am happiest for my husband.  Going to a Royals’ World Series game has been a dream of his since he was a boy.  It is awesome to see him so happy.  Now the Boys in Blue need to do one more thing for me, well, four more things.  They need to win four of the next seven ball games they play.  That’s all.  Just four more ball games.  Please.  Thank you very much!

Food could be an issue today.  We are leaving the house at 3:00, the game starts at 7:00 and who knows when it will end.  I am packing a dinner and taking it into the park with me.  I am usually OK with eating before we leave, but we are leaving so early, that really is not an option this time.  I am packing roasted chicken and veggies and an apple.  I’ll eat them cold around 6:00 and I should be fine.  Everyone else can eat a hotdog or chicken tenders and fries.  I’ll eat my roasted chicken.  So, even though food could be an issue today, it won’t be an issue.

I bought the Whole30 book the other day.  This is a different book than It Starts With Food, which is the book that introduced me to the Whole30.  If I had to choose between the Whole30 book and It Starts With Food, I’d choose It Starts With Food.  It contains a much more succinct explanation of why certain foods are eliminated from the program.  I bought the Whole30 primarily for the recipes and as a reinforcement.  There are many, many pages in the book that I will not read, but I found some of the chapters interesting/reinforcing.  A lot of the book part of the book is information I just don’t need now that I am 33 days into my 2^nd Whole30.  I used the cookbook portion of the Whole30 this weekend, though.  I ate the first meal from it yesterday, Banger Sausage Patties with mashed sweet potatoes and green beans.  It was really good.  In spite of being excessively busy right now, it was fun to try some new recipes.  Today I am trying to decide between the stuffed peppers and chicken cacciatore for lunch.  They both look really good.  It reminds me that this is not a program of deprivation, but a program of planning. 

OK, I have to run.  I have a project that needs to be done in a few hours and I am not sure where to start.  I hope I have an inspiration on my way to work!  I have to leave the office at 2:30 today, after all!

Have a beautiful day!!

10/26/2015: Progress

Days of abstinence: 33

Days until surgery: 50

Weight:  163.4 pounds

I have no time to blog.  I worked full days both days this weekend and I am back at it this morning.  But I had to put up a quick post because I am so pleased that my weight continues to go down.  I have made a conscious choice to not eat any snacks.  I am no longer bringing an extra apple to work and I don’t eat any nuts between meals.  I think that’s helping.  It’s nice to see the progress.

Have a beautiful day!!

10/25/2015: This Is Personal

Days of abstinence: 32

Days until surgery: 51

Weight:  164.0 pounds

My dad’s 80^th birthday was yesterday.  We had a big celebration earlier this summer when the whole family gathered in Truckee, CA for a week (or less, depending on how much time each family member could be there) of games, good meals, and visiting.  It was a great celebration in a wonderful location.  Yesterday, I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday and we talked about our respective Programs.  Dad retired from the World Bank when he was 55 years old.  I can’t even imagine retiring at 55, but he did retire at 55 and has been retired ever since then.  This is important because prior to retiring he lived a very unhealthy lifestyle.  He drank a lot, smoked even more, ate too much and ate crappy food.  He was a weekend warrior on the tennis court, but didn’t exercise regularly.  He traveled a lot, didn’t sleep regularly, and had an erratic schedule.  While working for the bank he tried to quit smoking several times and was never successful.  When he retired (I like to say it was the day he retired, but I am not sure that is true) he decided to quit smoking for good, and he did just that.  I don’t think he has had a cigarette in 25 years, but that may not be true.  There may have been a cigarette here and there in the early years of quitting, but I don’t know.  What I do know is that Dad is now, and has been for a very long time, a non-smoker.  He didn’t just change his smoking habit, though.  He changed his eating and drinking habits, as well.  To be succinct, my dad is now a health nut.  It is mind blowing, actually, to think about the complete reversal of his mindset with regards to his health.  The day he retired (or thereabouts) he decided he wanted to live a healthy life and he started to change his habits.  Yesterday, we talked about his sugar habit and how he has decided to be sugar free for the rest of his life, except for special occasions.  My dad, at 80, is still working actively to improve his eating habits.  I love it!!!  I am blogging about this conversation for a different reason, though.  I am talking about this conversation right now because of a specific thing he said.  It is not something I didn’t know, but it is something that I need to be reminded of consistently.  The decision to change one’s habits is very personal.  He knows this because he tried to change someone else's habits as well as his own, my mom's.  That did not work out well.  She truly resented any efforts he made to "make her healthier."  It was not good for their relationship, at all.  

Yesterday, we were talking specifically about my decision to give up sugar and sugar substitutes for life.  I am an addict, a sugar addict.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is true.  Because I am an addict, I can never eat sugar (in any form, natural or artificial) again.  I don’t get to have cake on birthdays, candy canes at Christmas, or pie on Thanksgiving.  I will never eat sugar again.  Sugar is bad for me because I am addicted to it and too much sugar is unhealthy.  There are a lot of people that are not addicted to sugar.  There are people that can eat one cookie and be satisfied.  There are a lot of people who truly enjoy having one scoop of ice cream.  I am not here to say that those people should give up sugar.  In fact, I am not here to say that anyone should give up sugar.  I am not here to say that sugar is bad for anyone but me.  I can’t eat it.  I won’t eat it.  And that is as far as it goes.  It is unhealthy for me to eat sugar.  I want to be healthy.  Therefore, I will not eat sugar.  These are intensely personal statements. 

I recall a moment that happened 33 years ago very clearly.  I was in college and had a roommate (and good friend) named Teri.  Her boyfriend gave her a one pound box of Russel Stover chocolates.  When I saw her box of chocolates I thought about how much I would enjoy eating them.  All of them.  I was very poor back then and there is no way I would ever buy such an expensive (they seemed expensive back then) box of chocolates.  Teri opened the box, took out a chocolate, looked at it, took a bite of it and put the other half back in the box, put the lid on the box and then put the box of chocolates in the refrigerator.  I was stunned.  First of all, it never occurred to me that one of those chocolates was more than one bite.  Second of all, I never could have conceived of just eating half of one chocolate.  I said, “Why did you put that chocolate back in the box, didn’t you like it?”  She said, “Yes, it was great, I’ll eat the rest of it later.”  To say the least, I was puzzled.  Shocked even.  People do that?  Eat half a chocolate and save the rest for later?  Really?  Seriously, and I mean seriously, if I had been given that box of chocolates it would have been gone by the end of the day.  I would have had 3 or 4 pieces of candy without even thinking about it.  Then for the rest of the day I would have eaten one or two more, maybe 3, at a time, until they were gone.  As long as there were chocolates left in that box I would have thought about them.  I would have fought the desire to eat chocolates all day, eventually lost that fight, and consumed every last one of them.  I have no idea how long it took Teri to eat that box of chocolates, but they lived in our refrigerator for a long, long time.  Who knows, she may have ended up throwing out some of them.  I thought Teri’s response to those chocolates was strange.  I couldn’t believe anyone wouldn’t just eat them until they were gone.  I go back to that moment and realize that I have been a sugar addict for a long, long time.

I have tried to moderate my habit.  For the last several years I have justified eating very dark chocolate (organic, 85% cacao) because I’ve read articles that say it is good for you.  Of course, the articles say one or two squares a day are good for you, and I’d eat a “serving” as it was defined on the bar, which was 12 squares (or maybe 9, I don’t quite remember).  A lot of times after having a “serving” I’d have one or three squares more.  Most of the time I could satisfy myself with one “serving,” though.  I keep putting serving in quotes because when I think about it, I think it is kind of funny to define a serving of chocolate.  What is a serving, anyway?  Some stranger somewhere says that this much is a serving.  It’s kind of weird.   While losing weight, I counted calories and I allowed sweet treats to be part of my daily calories.  I knew exactly how many calories were in a tootsie pop, or two.  Usually two.  By counting calories, I forced myself to limit how much sugar I ate, but I was craving it, often.  Eventually, trying to moderate my sugar habit was my downfall.  Day by day, week by week, more and more sweets crept back into my diet.  I’d sneak a little ice cream into my morning coffee.  I’d have a candy bar, usually two, around two o’clock in the afternoon.  I’d have a dish of ice cream in the evening, an hour or two after dinner.  The cravings would usually hit a couple hours after meal time. 

This morning I looked at my weight graph on My Fitness Pal.  I’ve been tracking my weight, off and on, since 10/15/2011, so I was entering this morning’s weight of 164 pounds.  On October 15, 2011, I weighed 228 pounds.  On January 10, 2013, I weighed 150 pounds.  The next time I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal was August 5, 2013 and I weighed 156 pounds, obviously I was trying to lose weight again at that time, because I consistently recorded my weight until October 16, 2013.  On that day I weighed 152.2 pounds.  I almost got back to 150!  I didn’t record my weight again until April 15^th, 2014, when I weighed 165.6.  Oops!  That was a 13.4 pound weight gain over a 6 month period.  That sucks!  I recorded my weight for a few days, then nothing until December 6, 2014.  On that day I weighed 173.6 pounds.  Crap.  There’s another 8 pounds.  Just like that, in less than two months I gained another 8 pounds.  And then, yes, by January 15, 2015, I was up to 179.4 pounds.  Oh-My-God!  That is when I finally put on the brakes.  That is when I realized that this slide was completely out of control and I had to do something, now!  There was no way that scale was going to creep into the 180’s again.  Not then, not now, not ever.  I started counting calories and exercising more.  Shortly after that we went to Larry and Luz’s for dinner and Luz introduced me to the Whole30.  I started the Whole30 on February 11^th, 2015.   On that day I weighed 171.4 pounds.  Thirty days later I weighed 162.8 pounds.  By July 4^th I was to my lowest weight of the 2015 summer, which was 156.4 pounds and I was feeling great.  It was shortly before this that I decided to have my surgery.  I felt so good and so strong and I knew that I wanted this extra skin gone, forever.  It was about mid-July that everything went nuts at work and I started responding to the stress by eating sweets.  The next time I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal was on August 31^st and I weighed 169.4 pounds.  There it is.  In less than two months I gained 13 pounds.  It is so easy for me to overconsume food, particularly sweets.  I weigh myself every day.  I know what’s happening.  I see my weight creeping up.  And I eat sugar anyway. 

Ugh.  I didn’t expect this post to go in this direction.  What I wanted to say is that not eating sugar is a personal decision.  This is about me and about the fact that I am an addict.  Jackie can eat whatever he wants.  I’ll be honest, I don’t want sugar to be part of his everyday diet, but I don’t care if he eats cake or cookies or candy every now and then.  I’ll bake him cookies for Christmas, even.  Jack is not an addict, I am.  I know that sometimes when I blog it sounds like I’m on a “no sugar for humanity” soapbox.  That is not what this is about.  I blog because it helps me stay focused on what I need to do to be healthy.  That’s it, plain and simple.  I sincerely appreciate you for listening.

Now, I’ve gotta run.  I need to cook our meals for the week and then spend the rest of the day at work.  No kickball for me today. 

Have a beautiful day.

10/24/2015: The World Series!

Days of abstinence: 31

Days until surgery: 52

Weight:  164.0 pounds

Wow!  The Royals did it!  They are the American League Champions 2 years in a row!  To quote a popular phrase in Kansas City these days, “We are not a fluke!” 

Last night’s game was an intense roller coaster ride.  If you’re a fan you’ve either seen the game or already read the articles (or like Jack and me, both) and if you’re not a fan, you don’t really care about the play by play; so I am not going to get into that, here.  But, my-oh-my what a roller coaster ride of emotions!  It was a long game, with an hour long rain delay in the middle of the 8^th inning, to boot.  Then, we won! so we had to stay for the awards ceremony.  We did not get home until almost 1:00AM.  I am usually in bed by 9:15 and asleep by 9:30.  I usually wake up by 5:00AM, even on the weekends.  This morning I did not wake up until 8:00AM and when I did wake up I had a terrible headache.  I decided the best thing I could do for my headache was follow my normal routine, so I cooked my normal breakfast (scrambled eggs, half a plate of sautéed vegetables, and a small bowl of fruit), fixed my coffee, drank a couple of big glasses of water, and ate breakfast before Jack woke up.  I almost always wait for Jack to get up on Saturdays and cook a special breakfast for the two of us, but today I felt like I needed to stick with the basics.  I feel much better now and am just about ready to head to work for the rest of the day.  I really, really want more coffee, but I have committed to only drinking my normal 2.5 cups a day (one French press pot full).  I know the craving for more coffee will pass, soon.  I don’t drink coffee after noon, anyway, and it is now after noon.  What a hangover!!  And I didn’t even have any alcohol to drink last night.

You may have noticed that I have finally started losing weight again.  I am so glad.  I’ve lost 5.4 pounds since I started blogging again on September 19^th.  Progress!  Slow progress, but progress, nevertheless.  I’m just sticking with the program.  I’ll get there.

Food continues to not be an issue.  I am content with my Program and am not having any trouble staying on it.  If anything is an issue, it is having to resist eating a piece of fruit for a snack.  I find myself, every now and then, wanting to snack on a piece of fruit, because fruit is so sweet.  I have decided to limit my fruit to three servings a day which consists of a fruit bowl with my breakfast and a piece of fruit after lunch and after dinner.  Usually that piece of fruit is an apple, because it’s easy to pack.  I have been thinking, lately, that I should probably try to get a wider variety of fruit into my diet, but that will have to wait until I am not so busy.   Other than that, no cravings.  I did have a “moment” earlier this week.  I had a meeting that started at 11:00AM that went, unexpectedly, until 1:30PM, so I ate lunch about 2 hours late.  I walked into the kitchen at work to get my lunch out of the refrigerator and heat it up and there was a box of bagels on the counter.  For one second, they looked good.  For a flash I thought I’d eat a bagel.  But then I remembered that I was On Program, reminded myself why I was On Program, and the moment passed.  I found it interesting, though, that I actually, for a flash, “forgot” about my program.  It is funny what can happen when you get hungry.

My biggest issue is just a plain lack of time.  I am making sure that I am getting meals cooked, but the one thing I am not doing quite enough of is exercising.  This does not make me happy, but if I have to choose between sleep and exercise, about half the time I will choose sleep.  The other half the time I choose exercise because I can’t stand not exercising at least 3 or 4 times a week.  It’ll get better after the end of the month, or soon thereafter.  Oh yeah.  Don’t forget those Royals.  All of these ball games are time consuming, too!!

All in all, I’m happy and life is good.  No complaints.  Well, no serious complaints, anyway!

Have a beautiful day!

10/23/2015: It Happened Again! And My 30 Day Chip

Days of abstinence: 30

Days until surgery: 53

Weight:  164.2 pounds

I opened up my blog Word document (where I type all of my posts, before cutting and pasting them to the blog) and the first thing I saw was: “Only 54 Days Until Surgery!” in the title.  My response was, “Oh Shit, now it’s only 53 days!  It’s almost here!”  So yes, it’s getting real.  I like that this blog keeps me focused on the fact that the surgery really is right around the corner.  That constant reminder keeps me focused on my health, in spite of the ridiculous number of hours I am working and the strain that’s created by constantly being under the gun to perform.  Yes, I’m tired.  No, I’m not slowing down.  There is not that much longer to go.  We’ll get through this.

I am 30 days Sugar Free!!!!  Sugar free means no sugar and no sugar substitutes, natural (like honey or maple syrup) or artificial (like Splenda).  I still feel strong in my conviction to never eat sugar or sweet treats again.  I don’t want them.  I hope I never do want them, but if I ever do find myself wanting them I know I will have the conviction to say no to sweets.  I feel so much better than I did a month ago.  The rest of my food tastes so much better than it did a month ago.  I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost since 30 days ago because I didn’t post my weight until 8 days into my abstinence (I went back and checked).  That’s a good indication that my weight had crept back up a few pounds and I just didn’t want to talk about it.  Eight days in I was 166.2 pounds, so I have lost only 2 pounds in 22 days.  While I find that mildly frustrating, I am not disappointed or upset about that.  This has been a rough month.  I understand the role the stress plays in all of this and my stress levels have been too high for a couple of months now, due to work.  I am actually pleased that I have not gained weight in the last 30 days.  My typical pattern would have been to eat my way through this, rationalizing that I would “take care of it” when it was all over.  I am super glad that my program has been strong for the last 30 days. 

I did glance back at the few posts between September 19^th (the day I started blogging again) and September 23^rd, my first day of abstinence and in just those few days I can see the struggle I was having with food.  Every occasion that was out-of-the-ordinary seemed like good justification for going off Program.  I am so glad that I decided to stop eating Crap Food completely on the 23^rd of September and that I have been able to stick with my plan.

As a quick reminder, my Program is the Whole30 Program.  This works for me.  I will stick with being 100% on the Whole30 Program (and no sugar or sugar substitutes is part of that plan) through my surgery date and until I have recovered.  After that, I may occasionally have foods and drinks that are not allowed on the Whole30 Program, but I will never eat sugar or sugar substitutes again.  The sweet stuff is banned from my diet, forever!

Have a beautiful day!

10/22/2015: Only 54 Days Left Until Surgery!

Days of abstinence: 29

Days until surgery: 54

Weight:  164.6 pounds

The date of my surgery still feels far away, except when I start my blog post every morning and I count down the days by one more.  In that moment, every day, I realize that this surgery is right around the corner.  Before I know it, it will be one month away, then 3 weeks, then 2 weeks, then, Oh Crap, it’ll be just one week away.  I am excited and nervous.  It is hard to believe that I am actually doing this.  I know the recovery is going to be incredibly painful and difficult.  At the same time, I can’t wait to have all of this extra skin gone.  I am so tired of having breasts that hang down practically to my belly button and a belly that looks like a huge, soft prune hanging over my C-section scar.  I know there are some women that wear this evidence of childbirth and weight loss proudly and I envy them.  I am not comfortable in my own skin.  My body, as it is today, is a testament to the road I’ve traveled thus far.  It’s probably a fairly accurate representation, at that.  It’s been a rough ride and there were many, many years when I coped with difficult times by eating (and at times, drinking) too much.  Food was my security blanket in more ways than one.  I didn’t only feed myself too much, food was something that I could offer to other people that I knew would make them happy.  I am a good cook, some even say I am a very good cook.  It is fun to cook for my friends and family.  I get a lot of satisfaction out of that and it is something I will continue to do, probably for the rest of my life.  What I cook has changed over the years, but it’s all still good. 

I’ve overcome a lot of obstacles in life and now, at 53, I am happier and more content than I ever imagined I could be.  I credit that to a lot of things, some of which I made happen, others which happened around me.  I will never underplay the importance of my therapy sessions with Stan.  From age 30 to 41, I was in therapy, with a three year break in the middle when Stan got so exasperated with me he wouldn’t take my money any more until I realized how much I was sabotaging myself.  Yeah, when your shrink fires you, that’s when you should really figure out that you have a problem.  I have to admit that I have a lot of respect for Stan for doing that.  He won’t take my money if he doesn’t think he can help me (either because I’m being too stubborn to listen or because I’m doing great and really don’t need to see a shrink any more).  Yes, the therapy was a huge part of my recovery process.  But there is a lot more to it than just that.  My relationship with my family has improved, I’m happily married, my kids are grown and doing well, I exercise regularly, I eat well, I have a good job, and life is just plain good.  But my body reminds me of the darker days and I hate that constant reminder.  I am really looking forward to getting it nipped and tucked and putting that part of the past behind me, as well.

Starting this post has started my mind down a path that begs to be written about but I don’t have time so I need to sign off.  Maybe it’ll swell back up on Saturday morning, when I have more time to write.  Then again, it might happen again two years from now.  Who know?  Until then, I guess it’ll just have to percolate.

Have a beautiful day!

10/21/2015: How Long Will I Track “Days of Abstinence?”

Days of abstinence: 28

Days until surgery: 55

Weight:  165.2 pounds

A couple of times now I have thought about removing “Days of abstinence” from the numbers that I am tracking on a daily basis in this blog.  I think about removing this phrase because it almost seems unnecessary.  The decision I made 28 days ago to never eat sugar or sugar substitutes again seems to me to be incredibly solid.  I am not wavering, in the least bit, in my conviction to be sugar free for life.  Every day that I get further from having my last candy bar, the easier it is.  It seems so much like a non-thing that sometimes I think I don’t need to keep track of how long it’s been since I made the decision to never eat sugar again.  The key word in all of this is, “almost.”  There is something important about tracking this number because every time I go to delete, “Days of Abstinence: xx,” I stop short.  I don’t want it gone.  Maybe I will track it forever.  Maybe I will track it for a couple of months.  Maybe I will track it until after my recovery from surgery.  I don’t have any idea how long I will track this number, but for now, it is important for me to see this number every day.  In fact, this morning as I was eating my breakfast I was thinking to myself, “It won’t be long before you earn a 30 day chip.”  Of course, I won’t get a 30 day chip since I don’t participate in any 12 Step Programs, but I can and will give myself a mental 30 day chip.  That’s just as good!!

Everything else is fine.  Nothing much has changed in the last 24 hours.  I am still 100% On Program, which is great!!!  I am sure that has a lot to do with why I am not gaining weight while being too stressed out at work.  We are making progress at work and everything seems to be tracking as it should.  So that is good.  The weather is beautiful.  Fall in Kansas City is a lovely place to be.  All of the kids are doing well.  Steve called the other day, from Samoa.  He is so happy.  He said that he was, “Living the dream!”  We didn’t talk long, but it was good to hear from him and hear him so happy.  Carla is doing great.  She is getting ready to wrap up her season as an assistant manager at a boutique hotel in Nantucket.  In a few weeks we will get to see Andrew, Rebecca, Aaron, Emily, Brianna, Kyle and all eight of our grandchildren!  They are all coming to town for the BYU vs. MU football game at Arrowhead on November 14^th.  We’ve rented a second house for the long weekend and the adults and their infants will stay there and we’re keeping the older grandkids at our house.  It is unfortunate that Scott, Emily’s husband, will not be able to come, but he is working as a nurse and going to school and there is no way he can be gone from home for several days.  It is going to be a blast to have everyone here for a few days.

I guess that’s it for now.  I need to get to work and start another ridiculously busy day.

Have a beautiful day!

10/20/2015: Progress!

Days of abstinence: 27

Days until surgery: 57

Weight:  165.2 pounds

My progress is not on downward movement of my scale, but with the changes I said I would implement this week.  They are:

1. Go back to my normal coffee consumption, which is 2 cups a day.
• As soon as I read the article, Saturday, on how stress impacts weight loss and understood how increased caffeine consumption can cause an increase in the hormones that impede weight loss by further whacking out my biorhythms, I poured out the rest of my second pot of coffee and decided that I would no longer make pot number 2.   This isn’t a big deal, it’s not hard to only have a couple cups of coffee in the morning, but I had started relying on a 3^rd of 4^th cup to “get me through the morning.”  I’m fine with 2 cups.  I drink them in the morning with my breakfast and while I blog.  By the time I get to work I am done drinking coffee.  Success!
2. Workout for an entire hour by adding a jog/walk to the end of my Black Fire routine.
• Yesterday, this did not happen.  In fact, yesterday, I did not work out at all.  That is because I worked a 13.5 hour day on Sunday and did not get to bed Sunday night until well after 11.  But I went to bed at my normal time last night and was able to get out of bed at 4 this morning.  I did my Black Fire workout and then headed outside for a jog that turned out to be more of a 2 mile walk.  That’s OK.  I had a feeling that my body wouldn’t really want to run after the workout, but I got outside, jogged part of it, and increased my workout time to slightly over an hour.  This felt great!  And I now I have a goal which is to be able to jog the entire 2 miles after my workout.  This is quite attainable.  Success!
  
3. Get the support I need at work from my bosses so that I don’t feel like I am carrying too much of the load on my own shoulders.
•  I have spoken to two of my bosses about the need for support.  Both were quite understanding and even apologetic about not understanding sooner how the lack of support from them was impacting my ability to get my job done.  Even though I worked 13.5 hours on Sunday, so did the entire Board of Directors.  I was not there alone.  We ploughed through something that needed to be ploughed through, as a group.  I put the finishing touches on it yesterday morning, but as a group we got most of the work done, together.  Yesterday I worked a reasonable 9 hour workday and was home in time to cook the last of our meals for the week and eat dinner with Jack.  Success!

I feel good about the progress on all three fronts.  I’ll still work too much over the next couple of weeks, but I am trying to keep it all in perspective.  Reducing the stress I feel is very important to my overall health.  It really did feel good to get outside and jog/walk this morning.  The sky was beautiful.

I know yesterday’s post about the number of calories in the food at Jason’s Deli was silly.  I’ve known forever that the calorie count in food at most restaurants is ridiculously high.  I guess what surprised me more than anything is that the number of calories in the food didn’t even register to the people that were ordering the food.  When the menu popped up on the projector and they were choosing what they wanted to eat, the first thing I saw was the calories.  If I had to order from the menu I would have looked for the 3 or 4 things with the least number of calories that had a decent amount of protein in it and ordered that.  It has become such a habit to pay attention to how many calories that I consume that I just assume everyone does it, at least when it’s easy.  I always assumed that if restaurants posted the calories in their food people would naturally start picking healthier options.  But, if I use this very small sample size as evidence for the population as a whole, that is not the case.  The calories in the food they were consuming didn’t even phase them.  Knowing how many calories were in each item did not impact their choice at all.  I was genuinely surprised by this.  I guess I shouldn’t have been, but I was.  I must be totally indoctrinated into the habit of “watching what I eat,” because I now make the assumption that everyone does it, as least a little bit, at least when it’s easy.  Wrong. 

That’s it for today.  Running late, already.

Have a beautiful day!!

10/19/2015: This is Why I Pack My Lunch!

Days of abstinence: 26

Days until surgery: 58

Weight:  165.0 pounds

I don't have time to blog, but I want to say one thing.  Yesterday, during a 13 hour marathon contract reading session at work, everyone else ordered lunch from Jason's Deli.  I was aghast when I saw the menu pop up with calories counts on it.  The Plain Jane (loaded baked potato ordered by one person), 1550 calories; the Meatballa Sandwich, 1120 calories, Smokey Jack sandwich and chocolate chip cookie, 1010 Calories.  Om my goodness!!  This is why I pack my lunch (and dinner)!!!

 Back at it this morning!!

Have a beautiful day!

10/17/15: I’m a Little Frustrated with my Scale

Days of abstinence: 24

Days until surgery: 60

Weight:  165.4 pounds

My Program is not as much about my weight as it is about my health and my physiological and emotional responses to certain foods.  I like my food program because it keeps food in perspective.  I’ve been 100% On Program for 24 days. 

As a quick reminder, On Program means on the Whole 30 program; the program eliminates sugar and sugar substitutes, alcohol, dairy except clarified butter, legumes, seed oils, and grains; the diet consists of 3 meals a day that include a reasonable portion of protein (deck of cards or palm size), half a plate of vegetables (all vegetables, including root vegetables [like potatoes] and squash, but excluding legumes [like peas and lima beans]), and a small serving of fruit.  The Whole 30 includes healthy fats like coconut oil, olive oil, animal fats (including clarified butter), avocados and a limited amount of specified nuts (cashews and macadamias top the list).

The first few days were pretty rough.  I craved sugar all day and all I really wanted to do was eat a chocolate bar.  I got through that few days by texting Carla every time I had a craving to remind myself that being healthy was a much more important motivation than satisfying a craving.  After about Day 5, the program got relatively easy and about 10 days into it I started feeling really good again.  I started feeling happier and sleeping better, in spite of work, which has been nuts.  Now, 24 days into my Program, food seems to have a healthy level of importance in my daily routine.  Yes, I think about food, but I don’t think about it 24/7.  I think about it in the context of planning when and what I am going to eat.  I have to plan around events and a busy schedule.  I need to carve out the time to plan our menu for the week and cook our meals.  I need to set aside a little time each day to eat and enjoy my meals. 

There is an irony to my Program.  Most people seem surprised and almost sorry for me when I tell them I am never going to eat sugar again.  They exclaim that they would miss sweets too much.  If I happen to mention that I don’t eat grains either, they really think I’m depriving myself of all food that tastes good and is “fun to eat.”  These very same people complain every day when I heat up my lunch because, get this, it smells so good.  Every day I hear the same things, “That smells so good!  What are you eating today?”  “I’d pay you to bring my lunch to work every day!”  “Wow! That looks like a fantastic dinner!” These same people are heating up left over pizza or grilled cheese sandwiches for their lunches.  I do not look at their meals, lustfully.  I am quite happy with my lunches, just as they are.   My coworkers think I’m depriving myself when I tell them I don’t eat sugar and grains, yet they would happily swap their lunches for mine.  I can’t say that I blame them, my lunches are delicious!

So, yes, a portion of every day and every week is allotted to thinking about food and planning meals, but it is not an obsession nor do I have cravings.  When I am On Program, I spend a healthy amount of time thinking about food.  It’s important to eat.  Of course it is going to take time every week to make sure we have healthy food in the house.  Of course I have to plan around meals and make sure I take the time to eat my meals and enjoy them.   But I am relieved that food is no longer an obsession and that I no longer have to think about it all the time.  With the exception of the first several days On Program, this is not about will power.  It’s about planning and executing the plan.  All in all, being On Program requires a little more planning and a little more work, but it requires a lot less effort.  Decisions get made, food gets cooked, meals get eaten.  Cravings are gone.  I don’t need to make thousands of micro-decisions a day (Am I going to eat this? How about that?  Ooh, that looks good, one won’t hurt.  Donuts today!  Oh, I’ll have one, well maybe just half.  Sure, I’ll have a mint.  It’s sugar free, right?).  Being On Program is so much easier than not being On Program.  It’s like the difference between night and day. 

I do feel great, a little exhausted, but great.  I am exhausted because of work and post-season baseball.  Both are emotionally draining.  I am sleeping like a rock.  I lay down and clunk, I’m out like a light.

I am happy with my program and my “relationship” with food.  I feel like I have food in proper perspective and I am not struggling with my Food Program.  But I am getting frustrated with the scale.  I want, more than anything, to be healthy, and I am doing the things (with regard to diet and exercise) I need to do to be healthy.  I know that.  But I also want to lose some weight.  To be precise, I want to lose 15 pounds prior to December 16^th.  I’ll be satisfied with 10, tickled with 12 – 13, and thrilled with 15.  Yet, I have not lost any weight in a couple of weeks.  I look back on my diet and exercise and know I am doing the right things, things that have worked in the past, so what is it?  I know what it is.  It’s stress, plain and simple.  I just did a quick google search on how stress impedes weight loss and came up with this article, which I thought was pretty decent.  http://www.builtlean.com/2012/10/22/stress-weight-loss/  I didn’t fact check it, but it sums up,  pretty well, what I have read over the last several years on the subject of how stress impacts our hormones, health, and weight loss.  One thing that I did pick out of the article was that when stress goes up, the body’s hormone rhythm gets whacked out, and if you happen to be a coffee drinker, it is natural to compensate for this by drinking more coffee.  Drinking more coffee exacerbates the hormone whack-out, which leads to more coffee drinking.  This hit home because I noticed this week that I started fixing a second pot of coffee and bringing it to work with me.  OK, fine.  I won’t do that anymore.  I am not cutting out coffee, but I will go back to my normal 2 cups a day, instead of 3 or 4.

We are going through a major transition at work.  I think we all go through periods like this, no matter what are jobs are, when we are called on to do too much.  Most of the time I can keep work in proper perspective.  Now is not one of those times.  Right now, it’s overwhelming.  This past week was better than the week before, though, so that’s good, but next week is going to be rough.  I am not working at all today, so that’s great!!  I do have to work all day tomorrow (Sunday).  That’s not so great.  The really good news is that after October 31^st, everything should calm down significantly and my work life should be more or less normal, once again.   In the meantime, I’d like to make a little progress on the scale.  I have to figure out a way to relax and reduce this feeling of being overtaxed and over stressed and still get my job done.  I am exercising most days, but I am not running.  I think a little jogging (or even walking) outdoors might help, because when I jog I get outside and I am not exposed to a lot of stimulation.  My Black Fire workouts with Bob Harper aren’t exactly under-stimulating.  They are an action packed 30-40 minutes of very efficient get-at-it strength training combined with cardio exercise.  One of the keys here is that the videos are relatively short.  Usually they are about 35 minutes long.  Prior to doing the videos as my primary source of exercise, I was exercising for a full hour.  I’ve been taking the advantage of the fact that the videos are only 35 minutes long and squeezing an extra 25 minutes into my mornings.  I don’t want to substitute a run for a Black Fire workout because I love the variety in the workouts.  Every week there are five unique workouts that target different muscle groups or skill sets.  My body is toning up, by balance is improving, I even think I am getting a little faster running bases.  My ability to “burst” is improving.  I credit these crazy workouts I am doing for these changes.  What I can do and what I have been thinking about doing is I can get outside and jog/walk for the remainder of the hour.  Just because the video is only 30 minutes long doesn’t mean I should only exercise for 30 minutes.  This week, I am going to make that change.  After spending 30 minutes with Bob Harper and the Black Fire gang, I will throw on some warm gear and go for a jog (or a walk, if my body says no to running). 

Jack, bless his heart, is covering for me at home.  He’s cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen, in addition to his normal chores.  The only chores I have to do are cooking and paying the bills.  That is totally manageable.  I really think I need to figure out how to get some relaxing into my day, every day, in spite of work (and the Royals!  Really, the Royals just need to sweep the Blue Jays in the ALCS.  That would help a lot!).

I guess I am actually a little aggravated with myself for caring what the scale says right now.  In reality, all things considered, I am doing great!  In spite of everything, my food Program is spot on.  In spite of everything, I am exercising several days a week.  In spite of everything, I am enjoying the ball games with Jack.  In spite of everything, I’m holding it together and everything is going to be alright.  Sometimes I am too hard on myself.  I know this.  I need to relax.  I know this.  So there it is.  That is my issue for today.  I need to give myself a break and appreciate the fact that I am managing a difficult moment as well as can be expected.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be getting on the scale, but then again, perhaps weighing myself is exactly the right thing for me to do being.  When I think about it, and it took this entire blog post for me to get to this point, the fact that that needle is not budging is forcing me to address the one thing I am doing on a daily basis that is impairing my health; I am stressing too much over my job.  I need to get that piece figured out.  I will get it figured out.  That will be the focus over this next week.  Figure out what I need to change so that my job doesn’t overly stress me.  I got this!

To sum it up, I am going to change three things this week:  

1. Go back to my normal coffee consumption, which is 2 cups a day. 
2. Workout for an entire hour by adding a jog/walk to the end of my Black Fire routine. 
3. Get the support I need at work from my bosses so that I don’t feel like I am carrying too much of the load on my own shoulders.

That’s the plan.  Feels like a good one.  As always, thanks for listening!

Have a wonderful day!!  Go Royals!!

10/16/15: I Am Relieved

Days of abstinence: 23

Days until surgery: 61

Weight:  165.0 pounds

I haven’t had a day off in who knows how long but I haven’t had to work super long days this week.  Long days, yes, but not ridiculous 14 hour long days.  That has helped a lot.  That means I can get up at 4 and get my workout in and still have time to eat a leisurely breakfast and blog for a few minutes. 

Mornings are my favorite time of day.  I like getting up early when the world is still quiet and having at least a couple of hours to myself before I go to work.  Do I have to get up at 4:00 in order to get in a workout and be at work at 7?  No, I don’t.  I could get up at 5:00 and rush around and get it all done, but that is not how I like to start my day.  I look at it this way, mornings are the only time of day that no one else can influence.  I wake up refreshed and in a good mood and for that two and a half hours I can do whatever I want, before work has had a chance to frustrate me or wear me out.  I particularly like blogging first thing in the morning because it has a way of straightening my thoughts out so that I can have a successful and productive day.

I talked to someone about my decision to never eat sugar again, yesterday.  We were walking out of the office together and he grabbed an Andes chocolate mint out of the candy bowl on his way out the door and made a comment about getting his “fix” for the day.  I said something about abstaining from sugar and he took it to mean that I was on a diet.  I told him that I meant forever because I have an addiction to sugar and we had a brief conversation about it.  It wasn’t a particularly deep or thought provoking conversation but it reinforced this thought that I have been having lately which is that not eating sugar ever again is not that big of a deal.

The funny thing is, if you go back a few weeks in these blog posts it was a HUGE deal to contemplate the idea that I could never eat sweets again.  Just a few weeks ago never eating sweet treats again seemed so unreasonable.  Now it seems so matter of fact.  I am stunned that this transformation happened so quickly.  I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Will I wake up one day and head straight to the store for a candy bar because I can’t take it anymore?   Am I unknowingly going to eat something with sugar in it after months or years of abstinence and have it trigger uncontrollable cravings?  Or now that I have accepted the fact that I am an addict and sugar is just plain bad for me, am I done with it forever? 

Who knows how many more decades I will live?  I certainly don’t, but I hope it is several.  If I assume I am going to live another 4, 5, or 6 decades, I am going to eat a lot of meals between now and the day I die.  I am not going to cook all those meals, we all know that.  It’s impossible.  There will be moments, either because of work or because we’re traveling or because we are socializing that I will eat food that someone else prepares.  There is no doubt in my mind that, on occasion, there will be sugar in my food that I am not aware of.   But in spite of the fact that I know that sugar or one of its substitutes, like maple syrup or honey, will sneak into my food now and then; I know that I will never choose to eat sugar or sweet treats ever again.  I am done with sweet treats, forever.  No candy, no cake, no cookies, no ice cream.  I don’t need it and I don’t want it.   Done.  Kapoot.

How do I feel about all this?  I can sum it up in three words.  I am relieved.  This phrase just popped into my head, “I have shaken the monkey off my back.”  That is exactly what it feels like.  It feels like this thing that was clinging onto me and burdening me and influencing me in ways that I could not control is gone.  It’s not there, anymore.  The weirdest part about all this is now that I am free of this “monkey” I have a hard time recalling why it was so difficult to shake it in the first place.  Why was it such a big deal?  What is it about sugar?  Why did I want to eat it every single day, multiple times a day?  Why was having a candy bar in the afternoon so damn important to me that I was willing to eat that candy in spite of everything else I was doing to keep myself healthy and to try to lose/maintain my weight?

Quitting sugar is not a panacea for losing/maintaining weight.  I know this.  It is evident in the fact that I have not lost much weight in the last couple of weeks, in spite of 23 days of abstinence.  It is still possible to eat too much, even if your diet is perfectly clean.  There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.  Portion control is still incredibly important.  Exercise is still incredibly important.  Sleep is still incredibly important.  All of these things and more influence my ability to get to and maintain my ideal weight.  It’s not just about the sugar, but now that the sugar is gone, all of these other things are a little bit easier to manage.  Right this minute my biggest hurdle to overcome is the stress caused by my job.  But, really, the worst of it should be over in a few weeks.  I just need to focus and get the job done. 

By the way, I have been able to exercise more this week, since my work days haven’t been too long.  That makes me happy!!!  Yeah!!

Ok – to quote Hud, “I gotta go!”

Have a wonderful day!! 

10/15/15: The Royals WIN!!! We are Going to the ALCS for the Second Consecutive Year!

Days of abstinence: 22

Days until surgery: 62

Weight:  165.0 pounds

All is well.  Staying on program in spite of long days at the office and long nights at the ball park.  I'm not having any food cravings and staying on program is pretty easy right now.


Work continues to be stressful, but I'm getting through it.

I don't have time to blog so my thoughts will have to wait until Saturday morning.

Have a beautiful day!

10/13/15: Staying on Program is Easy; Work is Hard

Days of abstinence: 20

Days until surgery: 64

Weight:  165.6 pounds

We had visitors in the building yesterday and at the last minute I had to take them to dinner.  We ended up at Joe’s Kansas City, a barbecue place.  Options were very limited so I had the smoked chicken and a side salad with no dressing.  Not a perfect Whole 30 meal, it was light on the veggies, but still On Program, for the most part.  The chicken came with a little bit of sauce on it, but I scraped it off as well as I could.  In a pinch, it’ll do.  It is not something I would do every day, nor would I recommend it for someone doing the Whole 30 for the first time.  My guests enjoyed their meal, if you come to Kansas City you pretty much have to have barbecue.

I’m not having any trouble with my food or staying On Program.  I had a good workout this morning.  It’s all good.  Work is hard, too hard maybe.  I barely have time to rub two minutes together lately.  I hope it gets better soon.  It just about has to.

Until tomorrow…

Have a beautiful day.

10/12/15: Pressed for Time

Days of abstinence: 19

Days until surgery: 65

Weight:  165.0 pounds

I am pressed for time, yet again, so don’t have time to put up a thoughtful blog post.  Yes, it is still work.  I hope it gets better soon.  I worked a lot of hours last week and will work a lot of hours again this week.  I’m working hard to make sure my part is done on a timely basis.  The timeline is incredibly aggressive, though.

I have been 100% On Program for 19 days and I feel very good.  The clean diet is helping me get through this stressful time at work.  I can only imagine the crap I would be eating if I wasn’t being hyper-vigilant about my food right now.  I am glad I made this decision 20 days ago.

Today, my decision to abstain from sugar for the rest of my life seems like it’s not a big deal at all.  It’s just a deal.  It’s interesting how quickly my perspective on this has changed from, “Oh, Shit, really?  No sugar again, ever?” to, “I’m kind of relieved that’s over and done with, let’s move on.”  We’ll see what tomorrow brings.  I am sure my feelings about this will ebb and flow over the months, years and decades to come. 

We had a great afternoon playing kickball yesterday!  Both of our games went into the 7^th inning with a 2-2 tie.  We won the first game with a walk-off run and lost the 2^nd game by one run in extra innings.  It was fun to play a couple of really competitive games.  Jack (he’s pretty competitive) got a little hot under the collar for a second when the team captain from the first game was really rude to him, but he calmed down quickly.  I’m starting to actually get good at this game.  I played second base for both games and made several good plays and catches.  I’m also getting stronger at the plate.  I think the big difference is the Black Fire workout videos I am doing.  The videos emphasis full body motion strength training combined with cardio and it seems like my reflexes and balance are getting better.  I like that!!  Kickball and bowling, two sports that I am getting adequate at.  I’m really enjoy playing both games.

OK, gotta run. 

Have a beautiful day!!

10/11/15: Stress Can Be Motivational, But Too Much Stress is Counterproductive

Days of abstinence: 18

Days until surgery: 66 (Closing in on me pretty fast!)

Weight:  165.0 pounds

By the time I left work at 9:00PM last night I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.  After a 12 hour Saturday, I was not done with what needed to be done by Monday morning, so I am going to be back at the office this afternoon after kickball.  Part of me wants to skip kickball and go in earlier, but I really enjoy playing and I think that is best to go.  I think I can get the couple of things I have to finish today done in a few hours. 

The stress is not helping any.  I stayed on program yesterday.  I packed all my meals and brought them to work.  I felt like I drank plenty of water.  But this morning, my hands are swollen and puffy.  I know that is due to the stress.  I hope that I am feeling so overwhelmed just because I am behind my own schedule on getting this one project done.  Knowing that I am behind on this one thing makes everything else look so daunting.  Maybe after I get this project finished and sent out everything will slide back into perspective.  I hope so!!

I am going to have to get my cooking done before kickball today.  It’s 7:00AM and it is time to roast a chicken and cook some pork chops.  Fun times!!

Have a beautiful day!!

10/10/15: What a Difference Three Hours Make

Days of abstinence: 17

Days until surgery: 67 (Yikes!)

Weight:  165.6 pounds

On the way to the ball game (ALDS Game 2, Royals vs. Astros) we were glumly discussing how this was a must win game.  If we lost the first two games of a 5 game series at home, things would look pretty bleak.  A few hours later we were on our feet and cheering the Boys in Blue to a come from behind victory!  Yeah!!!  The game was so much fun!!  Game 3 is in Houston on Sunday.  We are hoping for at least one win in Houston.  If they split in Houston, they’ll be back in Kansas City for the 5^th and final game of the series on Wednesday.  Let’s Go Royals!!

It was an afternoon game so we left the house at about 1:00 after eating a hearty beef stew lunch.  I ate a little more than I normally eat for lunch knowing it would be a while until we got home for dinner.  We also packed some nuts (cashews and macadamias), an apple and bottled water.  I ended up eating some nuts and the apple about halfway through the game.  We got home at about 7:00 and I ate a small, late dinner.  I didn’t eat any off program food yesterday, but I did eat a little more than I normally eat because of the game.  Lunch was probably a serving and a third, the nuts pack a pretty big caloric punch, and then I ate a smallish dinner.  The fact that dinner was late didn’t help much.  I think that all explains the slight uptick on the scale.  I told Jack that if anyone manages to go to a ballgame and not consume any off program food or drink they should automatically lose a pound, not gain half a pound!!  It’s all good, I’m not worried or concerned.  It’s natural for my weight to fluctuate a bit during this process.  As long as the week-to-week trend is going in the right direction.

It has been difficult to exercise every morning with my late nights at work and ball games with rain delays.  I exercised on Monday morning and I don’t think I managed to squeeze another real workout in until this morning.  That was a little disappointing, but practically unavoidable.  The things I could have given up in order to get a workout in were bowling on Wednesday night or the ball game on Thursday night.  With me working as much as I am working, my play dates with Jackie are as, if not more, important than a workout.  The flip side is that at least both of those activities included movement.  Bowling is not exercise, I know that, but at least it’s active.  And the ball games include a lot of walking and stair climbing, particularly when you are seated in the rafters and have to use the bathroom a couple of times.  I also could have slept less, but I don’t think that is a real option.  I need at least six hours of sleep a night and prefer seven or eight.  I’ll cut to six to get a workout in, but I won’t cut to five.  I don’t think that is healthy for me.  I’m not going to beat myself up about not getting more actual workouts in, but it is on my radar screen that I cannot let too many weeks go by that I only manage to work out three times.   This morning (it’s Saturday) I set my alarm for 5:00am so I would have time to work out, have a leisurely breakfast, put up a blog post, and put together a grocery list before going to work.  I need to be there at 9:00 to meet someone.  It seemed almost sacrilegious to set the alarm on a Saturday morning, but it was necessary.  Extreme times call for extreme measures!!  I’ll get a workout in tomorrow and Monday mornings, for sure.  With any luck at all, I’ll squeeze at least one or two more workouts into my schedule next week.

Food is a funny thing.  Food is, first and foremost, fuel for a bodies.  It is the gasoline that makes our engines run, but it also provides a lot more than just energy (calories).  If calories were all we needed, then it would be OK to eat candy bars for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  But food provides a whole host of essential macro and micro nutrients that our bodies require to function well.  If too many calories are consumed that don’t contain essential nutrients then we either have to over-eat to get all the nutrients we need, which leads to weight gain; or not consume enough essential nutrients, which leads to malnutrition.  In the past I have successfully lost weight by limiting my calories but I wasn’t immune to swapping a piece of fruit or a potato for a chocolate bar.  Those days are gone.

But food is also social.  We eat and drink when we gather with friends or celebrate special occasions.  Food is emotional.  We eat and drink to take the edge off our emotions.  Food is comforting.  We eat and drink to help us feel sated and safe.  Food is a lot of things. 

That’s what makes this difficult.  Not difficult, right this minute, but difficult, long term – as in the rest-of-my-life difficult.  I have no doubt that I will be successful in staying On Program for the next 67 days.  I am in a groove and not even being tempted by off program foods.  I think about my upcoming surgery every day and know that my results will be impacted by my choices over the next couple of months.  I am going to pay a surgeon a lot of money and I am going to suffer a lot of pain in order to get rid of a lot of excess skin.  It just doesn’t make sense to invest that time, money and suffering into something and not get the best results possible.  Not eating crap for 67 days is a minimal inconvenience compared to the trauma of surgery and writing that check.  Nope, the next 67 days (plus the few weeks following surgery) are not going to be the problem.  The problem is going to be the four decades after that. 

Jack and I talked about it on the way to the ballpark yesterday (that is, when we were not commiserating over that awful loss on Thursday evening).  I rambled on about how nonsensical it seems to me to ever go off program.  I feel amazing right now.  After 17 days of 100% on program, I feel better than I have since the last time I was 100% on program for 17 days (The first time Jack and I “did the Whole 30” was in February of this year.  That time we kept our diet 100% On Program for 30 days, per the Whole 30 program recommendation.).  In spite of the fact that we kept our diet pretty clean after we completed the Whole 30 last time, we did allow off program foods to slowly creep back into our diets.  At first, it was just at celebrations.  We enjoyed off program food and wine for my birthday, for example.  Then more off program food crept into our diet.  Ice cream made its way back into our freezer.  Dark chocolate edged its way back into being an after dinner treat.  Before I knew it, I was looking for a quick-fix candy bar at 2 or 3 in the afternoon on stressful days at work.  It was not long after that that I was eating a candy bar or two every day (Heck, isn’t every day at work stressful?).  Our meals were still Whole 30, but by mid-summer I was eating some crap every single day.  It showed on the scale and in my attitude.  I was getting a little crankier and sleeping a little more fitfully.  I didn’t really notice these changes since they were gradual, but they were happening.  I also gained weight.

Now, 17 days into Program, I feel amazing.  I am sleeping better.  My eyes are clearer.  My headaches are gone.  I don’t have food cravings.  I don’t get ravenous between meals.  I wake up happy and clear headed.  I am more productive at work.  I am more productive at bowling and kickball.  My aches and pains are subsiding.  My stomach is flatter.  It is incredible how good I feel.  53?  I’m 53?  Really?  I feel better than I did at 30.  It is such a blessing to be solidly middle aged and feel this good.  I know how lucky I am.  Well, maybe I don’t know exactly how lucky I am, but I have a good idea that I am pretty damn lucky.  Why would I change this?  Why would I ever make a choice to eat or drink something that would make me feel any less good?  Isn’t that just plain nuts?  Does eating off program food provide anything other than a fleeting moment of pleasure?  Why would I trade feeling good all of the time for a few moments of ephemeral “happiness?”  I am having trouble answering that question.  Being On Program is not difficult.  Once I learned where to find recipes that fit my program it was just a matter of emptying my cupboards of old staples and replacing it with the new ones.  I have to cook, but I have always cooked.  I have to pack my lunches, but I have almost always done that, too.  I have to be careful to plan out activities that will span a meal time, but that is not a big deal.  Really, this isn’t a hard thing to do, it is just a thing to do.  So what makes this a difficult question?  Will I feel deprived if I choose to never eat or drink off program again?  Yeah, it’s fun to have a couple glasses of wine now and then.  But why is it fun?  I don’t know the answers to these questions, yet, but I am thinking about them.  The good news is that this time I will have been on program for about 3 – 4 months before even being tempted to go off program.  That is a long time.  Maybe by then I’ll feel so damn good that you couldn’t pay me to go off program.  We shall see.

For now, I’ve got to run.  Jackie needs a grocery list before I go to work so that we will have On Program food in the fridge this week.

Have a beautiful day!

10/9/15: One Hour Rain Delay and a Disappointing Loss

Days of abstinence: 16

Days until surgery: 68

Weight:  165.0 pounds

Shoot!  The Royals lost last night after a one hour rain delay.  We didn’t get home until midnight which is way past my bedtime.  Jack drove and I slept in the car so I got an extra hour of sleep, so that helped.  I didn’t eat or drink anything at the ballpark except water and wasn’t really tempted.  When you are in row WW it is a long way to the concession stands!

One of the things I need to figure out is how, if at all, my diet will change after surgery.  Until surgery, abstinence means abstaining from everything that is not part of the Whole 30 program.  That includes a lot more than just sugar and sugar substitutes.  That includes all grains, legumes, dairy, alcohol, and seed oils.  I feel like I’m forgetting something, but I don’t know what it is.  After 16 days On Program, I feel amazing.  I am sleeping well, waking up refreshed, and am having no food cravings.  It’s hard to imagine allowing a change in my diet that will make me feel worse, but I also know that the Whole 30 program is hard to maintain forever.  It’s something I need to think about over the next couple of months.

For now, I have to run.  I intentionally slept in today, until 5:20, since I didn’t get in bed till midnight, and it’s time to get to work.

Have a beautiful day!