4/30/2012: Weighing in - End of Week Nine

I hardly believed my own eyes this morning, but I weighed 205.6 pounds this morning.  At the end of week nine I have lost 18.4 pounds, so I am still averaging right around 2 pounds a week.  I thought last week that the weight loss was slowing down to about 1.5 pounds per week (which is my goal) but then, all of a sudden, this week I lost almost three pounds.  It's funny how it works that way.  Some weeks it seems like my body is hanging onto every ounce of fat it has for dear life, and then "poof" two or three pounds seem to fall off over night.  Other weeks it seems to come off more steadily, a couple of tenths a pound a day.  It would be interesting to know what is really going on in there, physiologically, but I guess I'll never know.  I'll take the 205.6 pounds today, though.  That feels pretty good.  Now I need to hang on to that for a week or two to make it stick!!

4/29/2012: Week Nine Photo

Week 9 Photo 4/29/12

Hey, the peas and lettuce look pretty good!  we'll be having the first salad from our garden tonight.  I'm looking forward to that!!

4/29/2012: Challenging Week Ahead

There is a lot going on this week.  Of course, all of you already know that on Thursday I will be celebrating my 50th birthday and I am looking forward to the celebration lasting through the weekend!  Between lunch with co-workers and friends on Thursday afternoon, a Royals game (Go Royals!  Beat those Yankees!) Thursday evening, perhaps a nice meal out on Friday evening (maybe we can finally go to FUD), and pizza and Rock-n-Bowl on Saturday, I will have plenty of opportunities to over-indulge.  It is my pledge not to do that, though.  I see no reason why I can't have fun doing all of those things while making good food choices and not over-filling my gas tank.  In addition to that, I found out at the last minute that I am going to Orlando this week for a conference.  Someone else was scheduled to go, but she resigned last week, so I am going in her place.  Traveling alone for business, particularly attending a conference, means a lot of sitting and trying to stay awake.  That will probably be the biggest challenge for me, not eating while I am on the road.

I am motivated to stay committed to eating right, though, because I've really seen some nice progress on the scale this week.  This morning I weighed 206.8 pounds!!  Yippee!!  That means 17.2 pounds lost and 56.8 to go.  It's nice to see the scale moving a little almost everyday.  Being very careful this week with my food choices paid off.  I am feeling pretty good about that.

Next week Jack and I go to San Diego for our youngest daughter's wedding.  That will be challenging, too.  Yesterday we bought my dress, a size 14W, beats the heck out of the size 18W I would have had to buy two months ago.  I like it and feel pretty in it, so that's good.  It's red, an unusual color for a wedding, but red is one of the bride's colors, so that worked out well, as red is a good color for me.  I ordered shoes today, so here's hoping one of the pairs I ordered fits and looks good with the dress.  They should be here in a few days! 

I'm struggling a little bit, emotionally, with how long this is going to take.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a really fat woman and feel like this is going to take forever.  It makes me feel sad and frustrated and sort of hopeless about this whole thing.  Other times I look in the mirror and see the progress and I have complete confidence that I am in charge of this process and that before I know it, I will be where I want to be.  I have very deep seated habits and emotions when it comes to food.  I told Jack, yesterday, that it feels like I am fighting demons, sometimes.  The good news is that I am struggling for less and less of my day, as the weeks go by.  There are still moments when I think, "This is impossible," but those thoughts are quickly replaced with, "I'm getting this done."  I know I'll get there.  That's why I have implemented the use of so many tools, so that no matter what's going on, one of the tools in my tool box will be just the trick to get me back on track.

Today's chore day.  It's raining out, so that's good.  I won't be tempted to play in my garden all day!!  The house could use a little attention.

4/26/2012: Ups and Downs

Today's weigh-in was 208.2 pounds.  This is the first week in a while that I actually lost a little weight from Monday to Thursday, so I am pleased with that.  The funny thing is, I can't help wanting just a little bit more and being just slightly disappointed that I was not able to get to the 207.somethings by today.  This week I have been very conscious of everything I ate, including not licking my fingers or snacking on cookies when I baked about 600 cookies for a company picnic.  That took willpower!  I was hoping that willpower alone would cause me to drop a pound.  Of course, it didn't.  Sometimes the reality sets in around me like a wet blanket on a cold day, this is going to take a long time.  It's easy to get impatient with this process, to want to see more results, faster.  I've been exercising 6 days a week for almost 9 weeks, I'm starting to feel pretty good.  I'm stronger, I have better balance, my clothes are getting looser, I'm sleeping well, I feel like a million bucks.  What I feel like, really, is like I should look like a million bucks.  I am internalizing these changes a lot faster than I am externalizing them, and my outward image is not keeping up with my inward image.  Not even a little bit.  It's hard for me to accept the fact that it is going to take another month, an entire month, to get below 200 pounds.  I am guessing it will be that first week of June, before I see 199.8, or thereabouts, on my scale.  I want it tomorrow, or next week, not next month.  That's not going to happen.  Accept it.  I think the origins of today's frustration came from setting a little trap for myself.  About two weeks ago I thought maybe, just maybe, I could lose 20 pounds by my birthday if I was very careful with food and super diligent about exercise.  I set a stealth goal for myself.  I kept telling myself to not set the goal, because I knew it was a super big reach and I knew how frustrated I'd get if I set the goal and didn't make it.  But still, deep down inside, I secretly made that a goal.  Today I faced the harsh reality that this is an impossible reach.  I cannot make it to 204 by next Thursday.  It's impossible.  And if I starved myself to try, that would just be stupid and counterproductive.  So I've settled back down to the original plan.  The goal is 1.5 pounds a week.  This is going to take 48 weeks.  That is OK.  It will be June before I see the 190s.  That is OK.  This is a slow boat, but it's a steady boat.  I am going to get there, I'm just not going to get there over night.

Sometimes I can't help being disappointed in myself for not sticking to my plan when I started this last June.  Back then, I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't stick with it.  Back then, last June, reaching my goal weight by my 50th birthday was attainable.  But I blew it.  A lot of times I am disappointed in myself for ever letting myself get this heavy in the first place.  *Sigh*  These emotions are bubbling up because of my impending birthday.  It is a benchmark year, the end of my 50th.  Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to live to be 100 years old.  This birthday marks the end of my first half.  If you've been reading my blog all along, you know how much I am looking forward to the second half, so this is a happy occasion, not a sad one, but I can't help looking back 10 months and saying to myself, "If you had just stuck with it back then, you'd be there, already."  Shake it off!!!! 

Enough of this nonsense, there is a bit of good news I want to share with you.  I think I have turned a corner on the whole exercise thing.  I alluded to it a couple of days ago when I wrote about trying to talk myself out of exercising.  Did you catch that?  I was trying to talk myself out of exercising, not into exercising.  Then yesterday, a similar thing happened.  I was up late on Tuesday night (10:30, for me, is late) baking cookies for a company picnic.  I had to be at work at 7:00AM for an interview Wednesday morning.  That meant in order to get to the gym and work out, I had to get up even earlier than normal.  I started to process through all the reasons why I should just skip exercise on Wednesday morning, but I couldn't do it.  I build enough cushion into my mornings that in reality, all I really needed to do was get up 15 minutes earlier and then rush just a little, and I would be fine.  So that's what I did.  I got up at 4:15 yesterday morning to be at the gym and pumping iron by 4:30.  I was back home shortly after 5:30 and made it to the interview in plenty of time.  The fact of that matter is, not exercising was not an option for me.  I had to do it.  Dare I say, I wanted to do it?  I don't know if I'm ready to make that mental leap.  But I can say, with conviction, that I exercise every morning.  It is part of my routine.  With the exception of one planned day off a week, I exercise every day.  It's what I do.  Yes, it feels good to be able to say that.  It's a relief, in a way.  It feels like a load off my shoulders to know that I have effectively incorporated vigorous exercise into my daily routine.  That's a start!!!

And now its time for me to do that other thing that I have to do everyday.  Work.  Have a great day, everyone!!

Oh, and by the way, Rebecca, I was thinking about you and your heart monitor story when I put up the title to this post.  Thank you for that!!!!

4/24/2012: Pushing Through

This morning I had to seriously talk myself into going to the gym, or more like, I had to talk myself out of not going to the gym.  I haven't had one of those debates with myself in a while.  "I'm going to stay in bed today."  "No you're not, get up."  "No, I can make today my rest day."  "Well, that makes sense, you do get a rest day."  "Ok, I'm resetting the alarm."  "OK, that's fine...Wait!  No it's not.  It's makes more sense for Thursday to be our rest day.  We weigh in on Thursday and I really want to see 207.something on Thursday morning on the scale.  We're not going to get there if we don't exercise."  "Oh, come on, really?  I have to get up?  It's already getting late (as in 4:40AM)."  "Yes, get up.  You can do this."  "Ugh, OK..." 

That conversation went on for at least 10 minutes this morning.  It's not hard to figure out which one was the rider and which one was the elephant, is it?  But get up, I did!  I did my cardio at the gym this morning because I've started getting a little creeped out in the mornings on my runs.  It's dark at 4:30AM!  This morning I did 2500 strides in 20 minutes at level six on the ellitpical machine, 30 minutes on the treadmill alternating between 2 minutes of walking @ 3.5 mph and 8 minutes of jogging @ 5 mph, and 5 minutes of cool down on the bike.  Total calories burned:  475.  Not bad for having to talk myself into getting out of bed this morning.

The treadmill is a huge improvement over 8 weeks ago.  When I started I was alternating 2 minutes of jogging with 2 minutes of walking.  Today it was 8 minutes of jogging alternated with 2 minutes of walking.  It's nice to see the progress.

4/23/12: Now We Can Call it Fifteen!

Actually, let's make that 15.2 pounds lost.  My official Monday morning weigh-in was 208.8!!!  I finally, officially, broke the 210 barrier and was able to mark it on my chart!  I'm a little shy of 2 pounds a week, but I'm still ahead of my goal of 1.5 pounds per week and I'm below my line.  It's working and I am going to keep on working it!!

4/22/2012: Week 8 Photo and Recap

4/22/12  End of Week 8

Eight weeks down, 40 to go!  14.8 pounds lost (can we call it 15?) 59.2 to go.  Eight weeks of exercising approximately an hour a day, six times a week.  The exercise days alternate between 50-60 minutes of strength training and 50-70 minutes of jog/walking.  I've recently added a mile to my jogs so I am now jog/walking about 5 miles per day, which takes me 70 minutes.  I was doing about 4 miles a day, which started out taking me 60 minutes.  When I was regularly getting it done in 50, I added the 5th mile.  My strength training is done one day a week with Jeremy, a personal trainer at 24 Hour Fitness and two days a week on my own, using the routine that Jeremy provides for me.  My calorie goal has changed from 1200 calaories net of exercise to limiting daily calories consumed to 1500, regardless of the number of calories burned with exercise.  This week I plan on adding walks on the evening of my strength training days, just for good measure and to get outside in the spring weather. 

I'm working on changing my attitude from using food to make me "feel better" to using food as a fuel source.  I actually think I'm getting there, which will be a huge step in making this a lifetime change, rather than a diet.

I'll add net calories for the week in another post later this evening.  We're going to the Royals game and I need to eat before we leave.  Go Royals!!!  I sure hope they can start winning games!!!!

The game is over...we lost...again.  We also froze at the game.  It was cold and windy!  In spite of the loss and the cold, we had a good time.  Jack and I both enjoy the ball games.

Last weeks calories and exercise:

Saturday 4/14:  Calories consumed - 1531; Calories burned (70 minutes jog/walk) - 736;  Net Calories - 795

Sunday 4/15:  Calories consumed - 1433; Calories burned (50 minutes weight lifting) - 476;  Net Calories - 957

Monday 4/16:  Calories consumed - 1747; Calories burned (70 minutes jog/walk) - 736;  Net Calories - 1008

Tuesday 4/17:  Calories consumed - 1410; Calories burned (60 minutes weight lifting ) - 570;  Net Calories - 840

Wednesday 4/18:  Calories consumed - 1366; Calories burned (40 minutes brisk walking) - 237;  Net Calories - 1099

Thursday 4/19:  Calories consumed - 908; Calories burned (50 minutes weight lifting) - 473;  Net Calories - 435

Friday 4/20:  Calories consumed - 2072; Calories burned (rest day) - 0;  Net Calories - 2072

Saturday 4/21:  Calories consumed - 1244; Calories burned (70 minutes jog/walk) - 736;  Net Calories - 508

Sunday 4/22:  Calories consumed - 1039; Calories burned (70 minutes jog/walk) - 736;  Net Calories - 303

4/21/21012: Silliness

I have mentioned in a couple of posts that my daughter was getting ready to leave home. That kind of sounds like she was getting ready to leave for college or that she was going to get her own place. Neither of those things are the case. My daughter, Carla, has chosen to live a nomadic lifestyle for a while. She started her travels last summer. Her intention was to begin a journey on her bicycle that could eventually take her around the world. At the time she decided to do this she was living in Narragansett, RI, and was working for a landscape company. She liked the work she was doing and she got a lot of satisfaction from being on her own but she had the travel bug and she had it bad. This itch started in her sophomore year of college when she and her then boyfriend, Alvie, started talking about walking across the United States. Fast forward several years and Carla had graduated from college, moved away from home, broken up with Alvie, started working full time, and was creating a life for herself in Rhode Island; yet something was missing. She felt this huge need to be on the road.

Like many of us, today, Carla had accumulated a little bit of debt, so she asked if she could move home so that she could get her debt paid off quickly. Of course, we said yes. She came home in November of 2010. It did not take long for her to find a job at Target where she worked hard for several months, paid off all her debt and started saving some money. By this time she had decided that her travels would be by bicycle, so she purchased a bike, made panniers out of kitty litter buckets and started accumulating the gear she needed for a life on the road. She started her travels the last week of July 2011. She didn't start out alone, though. I had the crazy idea that it would be fun to ride the first 500 miles together. We spent last summer training with our friend, Ryan Kegley, and the three of us started our 500 mile bike ride in Osceola, WI. We rode east across Wisconsin to Michigan's UP and then rode across the Upper Peninsula to Mackinac Island. It was a beautiful and fun week. Jack drove the sag vehicle with all of our gear, so we did not have to carry our tent, clothes, or anything else but our water and a little bit of food. Jack would meet up with us every 20 miles or so for water breaks and lunch, and then get to camp before us and start setting it up. You couldn't ask for better support. We riders had a blast. But the point of that week long ride was to send Carla off on her journey, and send her off, we did. After a victory lap around Mackinac Island and a morning of sight seeing, we said our goodbyes in the ferry parking lot and started driving back to Kansas City. Leaving Carla there, alone and sobbing, eager, yet terrified, to start her solo journey.

There are many stories to tell from the first phase of her adventures, but, sadly, she did not make it too far on her bike. She road another 500 miles or so and stopped in East Lansing to take a break at my sister's house. We originally thought she would be resting her knee which had started to bother her during our first 500 miles but it turns out that the deal killer ended up being her hand. In East Lansing she discovered that she had developed a repetitive motion injury to the ulna nerve in her left (dominate) hand and that was why her hand was partially paralyzed by the time she got to Ruth and Terry's. She couldn't even hold a pencil and considering the fact that she is an artist, being able to hold a pencil is pretty important to her. She visited a couple of doctors, first a hand specialist and then a sports doctor. The news was not good, she had to stop riding her bike. It's hard, in this Reader's Digest version of the story, to describe how painful that news was. She is in love with her bike. She spent over $1100 on the original purchase of the bike and another several hundred dollars getting it tricked out for the ride. The bike's name, by the way, is Bonner. She named it after Bonner Springs, the site of her first solo camping trip after she got the bike.

I expected her to be devastated. Hell, I was devastated. I was so wrapped up in her trip, emotionally. All of the hours we spent training together and the long conversations we had getting her emotionally prepared for the journey. Never before had I lived vicariously through anyone and I never thought I would live vicariously through one of my children, but here I was, living through this with Carla, from 1000 miles away. It was just so exciting and awe inspiring. I couldn't believe she was out there, my daughter, braving the elements and the loneliness and and dangers of being a solo woman on the road. I was so proud of her. I wanted to be her. It was kind of awesome, actually, to know that this was my child out there, doing this big, crazy, scary, life changing thing. And for her, she was living her dream. This was what she had thought about, planned for, worked for, for over a year. She had invested her life in this, and something as simple as a damaged nerve in her left hand was taking it all away. Or so I thought. Until she said, "Mom, can you ship me my backpack?"

I was stunned, impressed, and awestruck. She wasn't ready to give up. She was like the Whos in Whoville.  The Grinch couldn't steal Christmas.  The Whos didn't need a Christmas tree, they didn't need presents.  Christmas was something they held within themselves.  Well, it turns out that Carla didn't need Bonner, she held this adventure in her heart.  If she couldn't ride her bike, she was going to walk. "Wow! Really? How awesome is that?" I said to myself.  I think everyone else just thought she was crazy. I know several of her family members tried to talk her out of it, mostly because they were worried about bad people. And, you know, I was worried about bad people, too. Of course, bad people could have happened when she was on her bike, too; yet somehow, she seemed more vulnerable on foot. But, being the Queen of Rationalization and Silver Linings that I am, I quickly decided that she was safer on foot. I figured the obvious risk that we tend to think about when a women is alone in strange places was there whether she was on her bike or on foot, but that by being on foot, she would actually be less tempting to petty thieves, as she no longer was riding something worth stealing and selling for a quick buck. Also, no matter how you look at it, cycling is not the safest sport in the world. Physically, I am sure it is safer to walk than to ride. So, I talked myself into accepting the fact that she was probably just as safe, if not safer, on foot than she was on her bike. Of course, it didn't really matter what I thought, she was going to continue her journey, with or without my support.

Ruth really came through for her. Carla had to gear up for her pedestrian travels. She had a backpack and all of the camping gear, but she did not have suitable shoes and her tent was damaged when some kids try to steal it. So she had to buy a new lightweight tent and some decent shoes which cost several hundred dollars. Carla decided to sell Bonner and use that money to finance her purchases. Ruth must have sensed how much Carla loved Bonner, because instead of listing it for sale, Ruth offered to lend her the money and hold Bonner as collateral. So after a couple of weeks of doctor's appointments, rest, and re-gearing, Carla was back on the road. She had to make up for lost time, which she did by taking a Greyhound to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. From there she walked up the western edge of Lake Ontario to Montreal, stopping along the way for her first WWOOFing gig. That is a story in and of itself, which can be told later, but for those of you that don't know, WWOOFing is basically volunteering on organic farms around the world for short stints in exchange for room and board. It's and incredible network of farms and vagabonds, helping each other out. So she farmed for a week or two, made herself the rest of the way to Montreal, spent a week there with a friend, and then hitch hiked her way to the Long Trail. After spending several days on the trail, Carla realized she was woefully unprepared for that sort of rugged, wilderness backpacking. Her nose to nose encounter with a mama moose and her two babies made Carla realize this was more than she bargained for. She was prepared, emotionally, for ruffians; but Moose? Bears? Not so much. So she left the trail to be conquered another day (with her mom!!!) and hit the road again. With a combination of walking, bus, and picking up rides, she made it to Boston in short order. From there she made it to Narraganset by train and by foot, spent some time with friends and then it was back on the Greyhound. This time she was headed to Norfolk, VA, where she had the opportunity to crew a sailboat to the Bahamas. Again, that is a story of its own, but she spent about six weeks aboard a 40ish foot sloop and absolutely loved it. The captain taught her tons about sailing and she got the opportunity to snorkel a lot and she even went scuba diving in the Blue Hole down to about 140 feet. Carla said she felt more alive on and in the water than she had ever felt in her life. She was always my ocean baby, since the very first time I took her to the beach, she loved it. Anyway, for reasons I won't go into here, she had to come home, so shortly before Christmas I flew her out of the Bahamas back to Kansas City. She had been on the road for 5 months.

We knew, of course, that the time home was temporary. There were things she needed to take care of at home, then she needed to figure out what was next. After a lot of soul searching and pocket book examining (she was now dead broke. I think she came home with something like $29 in her checking account) she decided to get a summer job that was in an outdoor setting. She used a website called www.coolworks.com to do her job search and started sending out job application after job application after job application. It wasn't long before the phone and Skype interviews started and it was not long after that that the job offers started rolling in. She decided to accept a position at the 4UR Ranch near Creede, CO, as a pastry chef. I find myself, again, slightly jealous of my daughter. The gig starts on May 18th.

Then why did she leave yesterday, you ask? Well, I am guessing you already know the answer to that question. She is riding her bike there. Her hand has healed, she drove to Michigan and picked up Bonner from Ruth (who no longer has collateral for that $800 loan, but Carla is determined to pay her back), and got the bike professionally fitted. She is now much more comfortable and relaxed on the bike, with a more spread out and relaxed posture across her shoulders and in her back and less pressure on her hands. Her legs are also better positioned, allowing her to push through the pedals more effectively. We have our fingers crossed that this will solve the hand problem. Her dad wanted to help her out this time, so they drove about 200 miles to the geographic center of the US. Some small town in Kansas northwest of here, I can't remember the name (Jack just informed me that the name of the town is Lebanon.). She has a route planned that will take her through some of the "Seven Wonders of Kansas." Her route to the dude ranch is approximately 800 miles. I'm guessing she is now getting ready to say goodbye to her dad and hit the road.

Obviously, Carla and I said our goodbyes yesterday. It was quite emotional. There is just so much going on there. I'm excited for her and I am scared for her. I am more worried about the weather than anything else. It's still cold at night, especially in the mountains of Colorado. I think she is adequately prepared for that, but it is still a little scary. And I don't care how much I believe this is the right thing for her to be doing, I do still worry about ruffians and careless drivers. Anything can happen out there. This does not mean that I think she should have taken a bus or some other more conventional means of transportation to the ranch, it just means that I can't help being a little worried. I am glad she is back on the road. I do believe that is where she needs to be right now. She is growing and learning so much from these experiences. The education she is getting on the road is unparalleled by any education she could get in a classroom. Carla, the painfully shy girl that would do anything she could to avoid giving an oral presentation in high school is out there on her own, making her way through the world. On the road she meets daily challenges, fears, and hardships and she tackles each of them alone. She has no one to turn to but herself.  Through this process she is developing a self reliance and a confidence that she desperately craves. This experience is unblocking her creativity, allowing her to express herself artistically in ways that she was unable to before. This is a journey of self discovery and self awareness. This is a journey of overcoming obstacles and hardships. This is a journey of making her own way in the world and figuring out who she is, deep down inside. Sometimes I think of it as how Carla is finding the little girl that she locked away 20 years ago, when she was six years old and her life got turned upside down through no fault of her own. Carla is an adventurer and a bit of a loner, but not a loner as in shunning society, but a loner as in needing that quiet contemplative time. As she says, she's as happy watching an ant go about his business as she is doing just about anything else.  If you'd like to, you can follow her on her blog:  http://www.horizonstruckwanderer.blogspot.com/.  That's my girl!

This journey is about Carla and I am glad she's on it. But, God I'm going to miss her. We're close and it was nice having her home for a few months. She's incredibly easy to live with and we are very supportive of one another. She inspired me to start my "Be Healthy" initiative with her own weight loss and dedication to healthy living. She is so beautiful and vibrant; I can't help knowing that I can exude that vibrancy, too, if I would just make the effort to take care of myself. She joined the gym with me and ran with me in the mornings. She cooked my dinners. She asked me how much I weighed every day. She celebrated my successes and commiserated in my set backs. Today, she would be commiserating.

Were you wondering about the title of this post, "Silliness?" I'm getting to that part. I let myself wallow last night and I decided to wallow in food and drink. When I got home last night the house seemed so empty, in spite of the fact that Jack was here. We almost always go out to dinner on Fridays and Jack knows how much I like the margaritas at Jalapeños so he suggested we go there. They have a good, low calorie fajita salad and I knew I had the calories left for the fajita salad and two margaritas. And last time we went to Jalapeños I was very disciplined and ate exactly what I intended to eat, in spite of the basket of chips and huge menu. Last night I was not so well behaved. I allowed my emotions to make my decisions last night and I drank three margaritas, a chicken fajita burrito, a basket of chips, and half an order of guacamole. I don't know why I thought it was ok to do that. I'm telling you now that it was not ok. I'm disappointed in myself. Last night I even had the nerve to say that I was not going to weigh myself today. I did not even want to know the damage. But this morning I woke up with renewed conviction to being healthy. I did weigh myself. I gained three pounds last night. This morning I weighed 212.2 pounds. Yep, I earned that one.

Yes, there was some part of me that thought consuming all that food and drink was fun, but you know what, it really wasn't. You know what's fun? Getting on the scale and seeing a smaller number today than yesterday. You know what's fun? Daydreaming about doing the Long Trail with my daughter (and perhaps my other female family members if I can talk them into it) on my 60th birthday. You know what's fun? Knowing that I have 50 productive years left to do the things that I want to do, not the things I have to do. You know what's fun? Knowing that the hard half is over, and that I am pretty much done with doing really stupid things. I've learned so much during the first half of my life, mostly by trial and error, I might add. I've made my share of mistakes, but I have learned from all of them. I have a well developed skill set that I am looking forward to applying to all kinds of fun and useful endeavors. I don't know exactly what is coming next, but I know somthing is on the horizon. You know what's fun? Knowing I am going to be ready for it, when it gets here, whatever it may be.

Maybe I needed that stupid moment of weakness and self pity to make me realize that I really am over using food as a form of self medication. I don't need it for that, anymore. Food is something I need for my survival, but I don't need it to improve my mood. It's funny, but the closer I get to truly making this mental shift to "healthy" the less important food becomes to me. The longer I count calories, the more I think of food as fuel rather than comfort. It's like putting gasoline in my car. That's it. I like it better that way. The only conflict I really feel with food at this point is whether or not I'll be able to reconcile "Food as Fuel" with "Food as Celebration." It will be interesting to see how that works itself out over the coming months and years.

I regret last night's decision to consume way too many calories.  The rider let go and the elephant went on a wild romp through the jungle.  But at the end of the day, I think my rider and elephant are more aligned than they have ever been.  In the past, a slip like this would have had me saying, "Oh well, I already screwed up the weekend, I might as well enjoy myself on Saturday and Sunday, too.  I will start my diet again on Monday."  That is exactly what I would have done, before.  In fact, this weekend that would be really tempting to do.  I have a bridal shower to go to today and Jack and I are going to the Royals game tomorrow.  Talk about opportunities to eat!!!  But that is not what I want.  Neither my rider nor my elephant wants to play that game.  They both have their eyes on the brass ring.  There is something good out there to be had, and it is not bridal shower cake, champagne punch or a bag of peanuts.  It's so much bigger and more wonderful than that.  I can't wait to get around the next curve in the road to see what it is.

Again, thanks for being here and reading this.  This blog make so much difference for me.  Knowing I have to tell you about my exploits makes me get on the scale, "The Morning After."  It makes me think about how I felt when I was overeating and how I feel now.  It makes me think about what I really want and what it all really means to me.  It's helping me straighten out my thoughts and feelings about food.  This blog is one of the most important tools in my tool box, and it would mean nothing without you out there reading it.  So, faithful readers, please continue to stop by.  I sincerely appreciate it!!!!!

4/19/2012: *Heavy Sigh*

I got home from work last night and started cooking dinner right away. I was trying a couple of new recipes, so dinner took longer to prepare than normal, so we didn't end up eating until almost 8:00. Dinner was healthy and delicious; we had lentil pecan burgers, spicy sweet potatoes, and broccoli, but we ate so late that it led to me being heavier this morning than I have been for the last two mornings. Tuesday and Wednesday I was very excited about weighing 209.2 pounds, but this morning the scale crept back up to 210. I hated having to mark that straight line on my chart, but it is what it is. I wanted to mark my weight at 209.2 so badly!!! It's frustrating, sometimes, that I chose to mark my chart on Thursdays and Mondays, since Thursdays are so often my heaviest day of the week, but at the same time marking my chart only twice a week does help me see the patterns. At least I know it's a pattern and this weekend I'm pretty certain I'll see better results.

Carla leaves tomorrow, so starting this Sunday I am going to try to be disciplined about preparing meals for the week. If I can get a couple of meals cooked on Sunday so all we have to do is heat them up during the week, that will help a lot. I'm going to have to get a lot more organized now that I won't have her help.

4/17/2012: Mondays are Hard

I don't know why Mondays are so rough, but they are. I drag all day at work, have trouble focusing, and feel like it takes everything I've got just to make it through the day. By the time I get home I just want to eat! Last night I kept my self-control though, through sheer will power, and managed to stay under 1200 calories net for the day, although I did not stay under 1500 calories consumed. I was OK with staying under the net 1200 though. If I can net less than 1200 calories on a bad day, I am doing well, I'd say.

My first response to, "Why are Mondays so hard," is usually that sleep patterns get disrupted on weekends, but I don't think that is the cause for me. This weekend I was in bed by 9:30 each night and Sunday night I was in bed by 9:15. I don't get up at 4:30 on the weekends, but I am usually up by 6:30. So my sleep patterns on the weekends are not vastly different than they are during the week. It seems to be more of a mental thing, that I am having trouble transitioning from my at-home me to my work me. All day Monday I am struggling to focus and be fully engaged. By Tuesday, I'm fine, but the amount of energy it takes to focus on Mondays is just completely exhausting. Last night I got home, put my jammies on and just veged out on the couch all evening long. As soon as the clock said 9:00, I headed for bed. At least I did not binge eat, as I have a propensity to do on Monday evenings.

There is good news, though!! My discipline is paying off. This morning I weighed 209.2 pounds!!!! I broke through the 210 barrier! I was so excited when I got on the scale I almost woke Jack up at 4:30 to tell him!

I'm enjoying the book, "Switch." I'll tell you more about it when I have some time to make a thoughtful and well thought out blog entry, but I would recommend reading it. I've read excerpts to Jack and Carla and they are both interested in reading it, already. It seems to be a winner!!!

That's it for now. Work calls...

4/16/2012: Weigh-In Day

My official weigh-in this morning was 210.0 pounds. The scale was flipping between 209.8 and 210.0 and settled on 210. Of course, I had to get off and get back on again to give the scale a chance to change its mind, but it didn't. In fact, it was a little more definitive about the 210.0 the second time around. That's OK, though, I am once again solidly below my line, and I like it like that!!

4-15-2012: Picture Day - End of Week 7

End of Week 7! Whaddya think? I think I am making progress! The most notable achievement to date, in my opinion, is that for seven consecutive weeks I have exercised an hour a day, six days per week. I am very pleased with that. Also, through this morning's unofficial weigh-in of 210.2 pounds I have lost 13.8 pounds! 60.2 to go. I can do this!! I am doing this!! Thank you, again, for all of your support.

4/15/2012 - Just a Quick Pre-post

Good morning, everyone! This is just a quick pre-post to let you know that I weighed 210.2 this morning!!!! Progress!!! I was going to wait and post my un-official weigh-in with my picture, but no one else is up yet to take my picture and I just couldn't wait any longer to share this news with someone.

Have a great day!!!!

4/14/2012: Finally - A Little Progress

I told Jack that I was ready to cut off an arm just to see the numbers on the scale move. I mean, seriously, I was starting to think the scale was broken. All it could say was 212.something. One day it would be 212.0, then 212.6, then 212.4, then 212.6, then 212.2. Yesterday, it was finally 212.0 again, which was a little better, but not much. This morning, finally, stepping on the scale produced a better result, 211.0. Whew! And Yeah! And, It's about time!! I am hopeful that I have finally managed to walk across the plateau and I will begin to start traveling downhill again. We'll see what tomorrow brings. If history holds true, I should do well over the weekend and weigh a little less on Monday. I certainly hope so!!!

It's been about a week since I posted net calories, so I'll get caught up now. Not exciting reading, I know, but posting my net calories helps me keep it real and that's what this blog is all about, keeping it real and staying on track. So here are the stats:

Monday: Calories consumed - 1,685; Calories burned - (105 minutes walking @ approx 3.5mph) 635; Net Calories - 1,050

Tuesday: Calories consumed - 1,293; Calories burned - (50 minutes weight lifting) 478; Net Calories - 815

Wednesday: Calories consumed - 1,402; Calories burned - (35 minutes jogging @ 5mph and 15 minutes walking @ 3mph) - 524,; Net Calories - 878

Thursday: Calories consumed - 1,274; Calories burned - (50 minutes weight lifting) 478; Net Calories - 796

Friday: Calories consumed - 1,620; Calories burned - (day off from exercise) 0; Net Calories - 1,620

Isn't it funny that the day after the highest net calories I would weigh the least? What's up with that???? The workouts were particularly hard this week and I was sore a lot of the week. Whenever my muscles are sore I imagine that they are slightly inflamed, which, to me, means a little swollen, which, to me, means heavier, which, to me, explains why I seem to weigh more for a few days when the exercise gets kicked up a notch. Am I rationalizing again, or does that ring true? Whether that is true or not, that's how the week went.

I've mentioned before that I am participating in a series of seminars on Friday afternoons called Women on the Leading Edge. They serve lunch there, which yesterday was grilled salmon, rice, asparagus, a tossed salad, and a baguette. I skipped the rice but did eat the bread. I purposely ate an extra half piece of fish and a large serving of asparagus so that I could avoid the snacks and desserts that are put out half way through the afternoon. That worked well in that I did avoid the snacks, but when I added up the estimated calories for the lunch they came to 802, which led to the high calorie day of 1,620. I may have overestimated the calories, I try to estimate on the high side to be safe, but, still, I think that was about right. In spite of the 800 calorie lunch, I think the decision was a good one, I was able to stay away from the snacks, brownies and rice crispy treats all afternoon, in spite of a rather intense and emotional outburst in our group. Who would have thought that 5 mature, professional women, could have such hair trigger outbursts. It was intense! And for that I passed on Opening Day at the K! I must be crazy.

I don't really think I was crazy for choosing the seminar over the Royals Home Opener. Even though it is coming in little snippets and at the least expected moments, this series of seminars is providing me with some valuable insights; most of which are hitting at a personal, rather than professional, level. Yesterday, our guest speaker, Lisa Parks, was talking about strength based leadership and most of the conversation was geared towards a strength survey we took and how one should lead from their strengths rather than focusing on improving areas of weakness. It made sense. But what interested me the most about yesterday's six hour seminar was a one minute comment that Lisa made about one of the books on her reading list. It is called, "Switch, How to Change Things When Change is Hard," by Chip Heath and Dan Heath. The book is about an apparently well known analogy about a rider and an elephant (I don't know how well known the analogy is as I have never heard of it and neither has Jack, but that is a relatively small, if well read, sample.). The premise of the analogy is that when you are trying to change something, the thing about yourself that you want to change is the elephant and the rider is the part of you that wants the change. As Lisa put it, when you decide to change something, the rider can control the elephant for a little while and get the elephant to go where he wants it to go; but before too long the rider stops telling the elephant where to go and the elephant regains control, stopping the change process in its tracks.

I really identified with her very brief summary of that analogy. That is exactly what I am struggling with right this very moment. For seven weeks now I have been white knuckling this thing, constantly talking myself into staying on track. I've been driving that elephant every second of every day. I am very aware of the fact that this still feels temporary and that, as much as I try to tell myself otherwise, I could easily slip back into old habits and routines that would would lead me down a slippery slope. I desperately want to feel like I have changed something so deep down in my psyche that, no matter what, this new path I'm on is my new natural, lifetime path. I blog, talk about my weight loss and exercise regimen with friends, co-workers, and strangers, mark my chart twice a week, take my photo every week, stare at my chart several times a day, weigh myself everyday, track my calories consumed and burned on my iPhone, work out with a personal trainer, wear clothes that are a little snug, read other women's weight loss blogs, invest money in a gym membership, post my blog link to my facebook page, share my blog link with my personal trainer, and post my pounds lost on my bulletin board at work all in an effort to keep my mind focused on keeping that elephant on track. I know I cannot let go of the reins, even for a second, and that frightens me. I want this as much, if not more, than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I don't just want to get to 150 pounds, I have to get to 150 pounds. And I don't just have to get to 150 pounds, I have to exercise 6 days a week for the rest of my life. I am absolutely and positively convinced that this needs to be my number one priority until the day I die. There are no ifs, ands, or buts. There is nothing else more important. I need to take care of my health, first, every single day. Everything else will follow. But, man, old habits die hard. I have no interest in going on the latest fad diet, or getting bypass surgery, or taking a drug to make this easier, or drinking diet/protein shakes to avoid having to think about food. This is not temporary. This is not about using some method to just lose 74 pounds. This is about changing how I believe in myself forever and ever and ever. The description Lisa gave about the book made me think it could help me make that deep down internal mental change. I looked up the synopsis of the book on Amazon and this is what it said:

Amazon.com synopsis of, "Switch, How to Change Things When Change is Hard;" Why is it so hard to make lasting changes in our companies, in our communities, and in our own lives?The primary obstacle is a conflict that’s built into our brains, say Chip and Dan Heath, authors of the critically acclaimed bestseller Made to Stick. Psychologists have discovered that our minds are ruled by two different systems—the rational mind and the emotional mind—that compete for control. The rational mind wants a great beach body; the emotional mind wants that Oreo cookie. The rational mind wants to change something at work; the emotional mind loves the comfort of the existing routine. This tension can doom a change effort—but if it is overcome, change can come quickly. In Switch, the Heaths show how everyday people—employees and managers, parents and nurses—have united both minds and, as a result, achieved dramatic results:
● The lowly medical interns who managed to defeat an entrenched, decades-old medical practice that was endangering patients.
● The home-organizing guru who developed a simple technique for overcoming the dread of housekeeping.
● The manager who transformed a lackadaisical customer-support team into service zealots by removing a standard tool of customer service.
In a compelling, story-driven narrative, the Heaths bring together decades of counterintuitive research in psychology, sociology, and other fields to shed new light on how we can effect transformative change. Switch shows that successful changes follow a pattern, a pattern you can use to make the changes that matter to you, whether your interest is in changing the world or changing your waistline.

Today I am going to buy the book and start reading it. I'll let you know if I think it is worth the read. I am hoping it provides a bit of insight into how to make this change a real, deep down, emotional change.

Have a lovely day!! You are all awesome. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you checking in on me and my progress. It means more to me than words can possibly express.

4/12/2012: Frustration Leading to Changes

OK, I weighed in today and was not pleased with the results. I gained almost a pound, putting me back at 212 pounds, and I am now touching my line instead of being below it. I feel incredibly frustrated because I have been doing all of my exercise and I have been careful about my food. After only losing a pound last week and gaining some of it back this week I feel like I have really hit a plateau. It makes me want to scream or cry or something. At least it doesn't make me want to give up. In fact, it is making me more determined. So, what am I going to do about it?

I could wait a few days and see if my pattern of losing weight on the weekends helps, but I don't really want to do that. I am afraid if I get to my next weigh-in day on Monday and I still haven't seen results that I will get seriously depressed. I want to take action, now. So I am going to do two things differently, beginning today. First, I am going to be more strict about calorie counting and go from trying to net less than 1200 a day to consuming less than 1500 a day, regardless of the amount of exercise I do. Second, I am going to add a mile to my cardio days. I have been jog/walking 4 miles a day and because I am jogging more and more of it, it is taking me less and less time. Yesterday, Carla and I got it done in about 50 minutes and my goal is to exercise for an hour every day. Starting tomorrow, I am going to add another mile. It is likely that most of that extra mile will be walking, but that's OK. I also need to be more disciplined about drinking enough water. Lately I've been letting myself get too consumed with my work and have been lazy about filling my water jug up in the morning.

Jeremy and I also kicked it up a notch at the gym this morning. He added running two tenths of a mile as fast as I can before I started my workout and after each set of two exercises. My normal speed that I can sustain for relatively long periods of time is 5 mph, my fast-as-I-can is 6 mph. When I run 6 mph for 2 tenths of a mile, I am huffing and puffing and definitely cannot carry on any kind of conversation. It definitely made the work out more challenging this morning!

Carla leaves for Colorado next week and at least a couple of people are concerned about this getting harder for me when she leaves. It will be harder, that's true. Carla does a couple of big things that help a lot. She cooks, which is huge. She not only cooks, but she picks recipes and helps Jack put a shopping list together; which means I just don't have to think about food very much. I get home from work and, voila, there's dinner. Almost like magic. And because Carla is vegan and also counting calories, everything she cooks is super healthy, not to mention delicious, since she is such an awesome cook. It will be harder when I am the one planning and cooking the meals, but I still have help. Jack, thank goodness, has no trouble eating left-overs, so we plan and cook two meals a week, and eat left overs the other nights during the week. We supplement that with a chef's salad for dinner one night a week and we almost always eat out somewhere on Friday nights. Also, since I have started working out, Jack has been doing the grocery shopping while I am at the gym. He will also help me prepare meals, which speeds up the process. So while I have enjoyed being spoiled rotten by having my meals prepared for me by my lovely daughter, it's not like I am going to go from feast to famine. I have a very supportive husband who helps me in many, if more subtle, ways.

The other things Carla does for me, which is huge, is she exercises with me on my cardio days. She almost always gets up with me at 4:30 in the morning and runs with me. I don't think I will have a subsitute for that and I will miss her on my morning runs. The good news is that I have been doing this for 6.5 weeks, now. By the time she leaves I will have been doing this for over 7 weeks. That is getting darn close to being a habit. It's easy for me to get up at 4:30 in the morning. It's getting easier for me to put on my shoes and get out the door. I'll miss her, I really will, but I don't think losing her company and support in the morning will derail me. In fact, she and I are both looking forward to how much better I am going to look the next time she sees me, which may be as late as October! It's another motivator, looking forward to her reaction when she sees me next.

There's more I want to say this morning and I have not had time to proof read this post, but it is getting late already and I have to go to work, so I am going to sign off, for now. More later...including proofing and editing. I hope this was not too choppy...

I CAN do this!! I AM DOING THIS!! Have a great day!!

4/9/2012: Showing Up

I took Friday off and had a pleasant three-day weekend. Friday afternoon and Saturday morning I got our tax returns done. We owe Uncle Sam about $1,900 but we are getting about $500 back from the states, so it's about what I expected to see, net. Saturday afternoon Jack and I went out and bought new bowling balls! We also got shoes and bags for the balls. We are going to bowl in a league this summer with Alix and Nicholas and I was not looking forward to hunting for a house ball every week that fit my hand. Once we decided to buy the balls, it was pretty easy for the shop keeper to talk us into the the bags (well, we needed something to put the balls in) and the shoes (they really will pay for themselves by the end of the summer). We bowled three games after the balls were drilled and I won two out of the three games. I came out hot, with my new ball, bowling stikes the first frame of each game. It took Jack a little while to bond with his ball, but by the third game he was getting into a groove and won the game with a decent score in the 160s. I probably averaged in the low 130s, which isn't too bad for me considering we don't bowl that often. I'm sure we'll bowl a lot more often, now that we have balls, in addition to the league bowling. We're really looking forward to bowling with Alix and Nicholas this summer!! After bowling I went to the gym for my weight lifting routine.

Sunday we finished a project that Carla started a couple of weeks ago, organizing our garage. I wish we had taken a before photo. It was awful. You could not walk in half the garage and starting any sort of project around the house was intimidating because it would take an hour just to find the necessary tools. About two weeks ago, Carla tackled the worst of it; she hauled stuff down to the basement that came up from the basement about a year ago, for our last garage sale. She also pulled everything away from the walls so we could hang the peg board and after Jack and I helped her hang the peg board, she started the task of organizing everything. She got about 75% of the project done before she ran out of steam and Jack and I finished the project yesterday. I swapped short shelves I had in the basement for the tall shelves that were in the garage to create a work bench effect and Jack and I hung the large tools on the walls and finished organizing the peg boards. Above are the after pictures. I love how organized it is and how easy it is to find things. An added bonus is that the white peg board covered up a decent section of the dark wall board and now the garage is much brighter.

After finishing the garage I went for my 4 mile jog/walk with Carla. You may have noticed that 6 weeks ago the 4 miles started as a walk. Then it became a walk/jog and now it is a jog/walk. I am now jogging all of the flat and downhill sections and only walking when the going is up hill. Yesterday I added a little more jogging, yet, on a section that is barely up hill. Unfortunately, after spending all afternoon working in the garage and then jogging most of 4 miles, I could barely move for the rest of the evening. This morning when my alarm went off at 4:30 signaling the hour for my morning exercise, all I could do was show up. But show up, I did. I got out of bed, put on my shoes and walked 3 miles. I figure if all I can do is walk, walking is better than nothing, as at least it keeps me in the routine. I plan on walking another three or four miles this evening, after dinner. Jack just said he'd go with me. That'll be nice. :)

4/9/2012: Weighing In

I weighed in today at 211.6 and I am still below my line, as you can see from my chart, above. I'm getting close to that 210.0 grid line. I should be there by the time I weigh in next Monday! I'm feeling good about my progress so far.

Saturday: Calories consumed - 1,891; Calories burned (50 minutes weight lifting, 30 minute walk, 30 minutes bowling) - 778; Net Calories 1,113

Sunday: Calories consumed - 1,522; Calories burned (50 minute jog/walk) - 478; Net Calories - 1,044

4/8/2012: Just Posting My Weekly Photo

End of week six. Twelve pounds lost. Averaging two pounds per week. Staying below my line. So far, so good!

4/7/2012: One of My True Loves!

Two springs ago I did something that I've been wanting to do for decades; I planted my first vegetable garden. Ryan and Megan Kegley turned me onto the idea of square foot gardening one day when I was sort of daydreaming about having a vegetable garden of my own some day. Several months later Jack and I were browsing around a book store and there on an end cap was the book, "All New Square Foot Gardening," by Mel Bartholomew. Seeing the book triggered a memory of the conversation with Ryan and Megan, it was spring, I was dreaming of home grown tomatoes and herbs, so I bought the book. Never before in my life has a $20 purchase ever fueled such feverish activity in me. If I am recollecting correctly (and Jack, you can correct me if I'm wrong) I read the book that day and upon completing the book I knew that I, too, could grow my own vegetables! The next day my love affair with Home Depot shifted from the paint and home repair aisles to the lumber and gardening aisles. I also combed the entire southern KC Metro area for all of the different kinds of compost I could find to combine with vermiculite and peat moss to make Mel's mix, the soil that fills the boxes you see above. It took only a day to build the boxes (the first spring I just had the three 4x4 boxes), dig up the sod, place the boxes and fill them with Mel's mix. The next day I planted my very first vegetable garden! I have a series of photos on my Facebook page that chronicles that first spring and summer when my love affair with growing my own food started. Last spring I added the 3x6 garden that you see in the background. Last summer I built the cage around it to keep the pesky squirrels out of my tomatoes (and yes, that works!!). This spring I raised all the beds another foot to keep the bunnies out of my beets (I don't know if that will work yet or not, I'll let you know mid-summer), and I moved all of my herbs to the border garden around my patio, which I also filled with Mel's mix (they seem pretty happy there). As you can see, each year the garden grows a little more. It's truly a compulsion, to make it a little bigger and grow a little more each year. I get such a kick out of eating the veggies and fruits that I grow that I am bound and determined to grow most, if not all, of the veggies that we eat in the late spring, summer and fall. I told Jack that my garden is now big enough and that I won't make it any bigger next spring, but as soon as I told him that I took it back, because I do want to build another 4x4 box and start an asparagus patch next spring!

In the closest box you can see my broccoli, lettuce and spinach starts. The back row of that box contains my snap pea seeds, which are already germinating. The empty frame will have a trellis on it for the peas to climb. The left most box contains my beet and carrot seeds, under the plastic covers. The beets are coming up but I haven't seen any carrots yet. I'll plant cantaloupe seeds in the very back row (again, they will climb the trellis) and peppers in the row between the cantaloupe and carrots, once it is warm enough. That middle box in the back row of boxes has lettuce, kale, and Swiss chard seeds, so far. It will also get zucchini, cucumbers, and green onions. The big caged box to the far right is my tomato garden, with nine different types of tomatoes planted in it. The pots contain several different kinds of mint (I put it in the garden the first year - big mistake! The mint quickly took over the squares next to it.) and you can't see the oregano, parsley, cilantro, sage, thyme, rosemary, chives, tarragon and basil that are in the border garden around the patio.

It makes me happy to have my garden growing again. I get such joy and satisfaction from it. I fuss and putter over my garden as if each little start and sprout is a wee babe. I look forward to making my salads from my own garden once again. This summer I am going to do my best to plant a fall crop. I need to start seeds mid-June for that. The last two summers I told myself I would plant a fall crop, and I didn't do it. It's just not quite as much fun to get all dirty when it is 100 degrees outside. Also, this winter, I want to start my own seeds indoors in time to plant my own starts, rather than buying them from the nursery. I haven't done that yet, either. Again, when it is cold and dreary out, it is hard for me to think about growing things. I will have to bust through that psychological barrier next February!

This is only my third season, but each year I get a little more into my garden and I get a little more out of it. I'm hoping for an awesome growing season and a bountiful crop this spring, summer, and fall!

4/6/2012: Disturbing Find: Same Story, Different Spring

What is this, you ask? This is my weight loss graph from 2010. There are some scary similarities here. Scary because after I lost 20 pounds I stopped losing weight. Then I gained it back. Oh yeah, and plus some.


This was the story back then. This graph starts on February 6, 2010. I was not working yet, as I had fairly recently ended my telecommuting gig with Yerba Buena Center for the Arts. I was spending a lot of time nesting into our new house, painting, removing wall paper from walls, hanging bead board, tackling plumbing and grouting projects, rearranging furniture, and that sort of thing. I was also going to Curves everyday, which is about a mile from the house. With the walk there and the walk home, I was getting in a little over an hour of exercise a day. I started this graph when I decided to go on the Curves weight loss regimen. I had already been going to Curves for several months when I started the diet and I was frustrated that the exercise, alone, was not doing the trick. I added the diet to my routine so I would start losing weight. As you can see from the blue line on the graph, the Curves plan is a series of cycles. They recommend 1200 calories for one week, 1500 calories for three weeks, and at least two weeks of maintenance between each 4 week weight loss segment. It was working fairly well, between 2/6/2010 and 4/29/2010 I lost 20.1 pounds; which brings us to the scary part. What happened?


As I think back two years I can think of two significant factors that would have caused me to lose focus on losing weight. The first is a big one. I started working on May 3rd, 2010, at First National Bank of Olathe. This was a triple whammy for me in that 1) I went from being active and working with my body all day to sitting at my desk in front of a computer screen, 2) I could no longer go to Curves because they did not open early enough or stay open late enough to accommodate my work schedule and commute, and 3) I am a stress eater and I was stressed from starting a new job in a new industry. It is not a coincidence that the last entry on this graph is April 29, 2010 and my first day at work was May 3, 2010. The impact was instantaneous. Combine the new job with the fact that I was feeling more comfortable in my body because I had already lost 20 pounds, and we have the major factors that contributed to me losing focus, that time around.


I'm glad I kept this graph. I know I have thought about deleting it from the computer at least once in the last two years. I have deleted another graph I started in the fall of 2011. That weight loss effort ended on Thanksgiving. I don't remember my starting and ending weights that time. Now I wish I had kept that graph, too. I can't let myself fall into the same types of traps that have derailed me in the past. One of the reasons that I find the above graph particularly disturbing is because of the time frame. I started that diet in early February. I ended it in late April. I lost 20 pounds. This time I started in late February. It's now early April. I am on track to lose about 20 pounds in about the same time frame. Uh oh.


This Monday was a set-back in that I had a relatively uncontrolled eating episode. This week I have refocused on counting calories and the results on the scale have been good, this morning the number flashing on that little screen as 212.0. What a relief! Yet I know that I have a hurdle to get over, and I need to get over it right now. I'm at that stage where this is no longer new and, therefore, it is no longer "fun." Not that I've been having fun going to the gym and counting calories, but starting new things is always exhilarating and that exhilaration invariably gives me a lift. Now it has settled into the routine. Now it's all about the slog. The long haul. The day in and day out of making the right choices, time after time after time. Just thinking about it makes me go, "Ugh!"


I need to retrench and recommit and that is what I am doing right here and right now. I feel good about the tools in my tool box. This blog helps, a lot. In case you're wondering, your comments make a big difference. Knowing you're out there and care enough to read my ramblings motivates me to stick to this. My chart helps a lot, too. I am impressed by the mental difference it has made to have a huge, hand written chart on the wall of my bathroom compared to the excel graph I have posted at the top of this post. When I was making the chart I am using now I had to hand write all of the weights along the vertical axis of the grid. Then I had to hand write the dates along the horizontal axis. When I made that excel graph I typed in the first two numbers and dragged and dropped. Excel filled in the rest. The simple act of hand writing the weights and dates gave me a completely different perspective. With each number I wrote I visualized myself getting thinner and healthier. Which each date I wrote I saw myself on that day, thinner, healthier, and happier. It truly is amazing how our brains work. Visualizing success significantly increases the odds of succeeding. I love the fact that I am taking my picture every Sunday and pasting it to my chart. I find myself staring at the chart, comparing the first picture I took to the last picture I took and seeing the little differences in my face and body. I like what I see and I can visualize the next picture looking a little better, and the next and the next. Counting calories helps, too. Even on those "bad" days. Keeping a record of everything I eat makes me pay attention to everything I put in my mouth. Does it always cause me to make a "good" choice? Well, obviously not, but it sure does help me get back on track, pretty darn fast. Hiring a personal trainer helps a lot, too. His name is Jeremy, by the way, and I have shared my blog address with him. That's kind of scary to think about, but hey, it keeps it real. I like the routine we have. I work out with Jeremy once a week and he gives me my strength training routine for that week. Then I go back to the gym and do strength training on my own two more times that week. Three times a week I also do cardio on my own, so I am working out for an hour, six times a week. By only working with Jeremy once a week, I am developing a confidence that I can do the weight lifting at the gym, on my own, without feeling foolish. We set monthly goals and I work hard to meet those goals. It's kind of funny, actually. I don't want to disappoint Jeremy. It feels like my motherly instincts kick in and I want this success for him, as well as me. As silly as it sounds, it is another motivator, so I'll take it!! Unfortunately, or fortunately, I am not sure which, the trainer is expensive. The fortunate part is once I have spent the money on ten training sessions, I am committed to the next ten weeks. The unfortunate part is every ten weeks I need to part with a chunk of change to keep the trainer. At this point I know having the trainer is worth every penny I spend.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. It helps! I can do this! I am doing this! I will reach my target weight of 150 pounds on or before February 4, 2013. I will not let unexpected roadblocks derail me. I will not let the stress of work overcome my motivation to be healthy. I will not allow a special event or a holiday to break my momentum. I am in this for real. I am in this for my health. I am in this for my future. I am shaking this monkey off of my back for once and for all. I've said good bye to that lady that accepted the fact that she was "fat." She no longer exists. This woman is fit, active, loves life, and intends to live life to its fullest for many decades to come!!

FYI - My net calories for the last two days:

Wednesday: Calories consumed - 1083; Calories burned (4 mile walk) - 388; Net Calories - 717

Thursday: Calories consumed - 1,682; Calories burned (50 minutes weight lifting) - 481; Net Calories - 1,201

Measurement results from yesterday: 2 inches smaller at my chest and waist, 1 inch smaller at my waist

4/5/2012 - Somethings Happening Here

There is something happening here and I don't know what it is. Halfway through my workout this morning I started having vivid dream recalls, seemingly at random, and I've kept having them throughout the morning. Jack said if I suddenly see a number sequence I should buy a lottery ticket; perhaps he's right! All of the dreams have something to do with working out, exercising, or losing weight. It's not that surprising that I would be dreaming about these things, but I haven't been remembering the dreams in the morning. Now, this morning for the last couple of hours I've been having flashbacks to dreams I've had. It's been bizarre, to say the least! Unfortunately, I lose the details of the dreams almost as quickly as I recall them, or I would talk about them here. I'll try keeping a notepad next to me and if it happens again I will write it down so I can tell you about them! Obviously my sub-conscious mind is working on this goal as hard as my conscious mind and body are!

Today was an official weigh-in day and I weighed 213.2 pounds, so that binge on Monday night caused me to weigh 0.6 pounds more this morning than I did Monday morning. It could have been and would have been much worse if I did not go into damage control mode almost as soon as it happened. In reality, it was only about one hour of no self-control. Thank goodness I got control of myself after that and got back on plan. It is not fun to post any weight gain at all, but it is a reminder of the importance of staying on track.

It's a strange feeling, a lot of loose thoughts are rattling around in my head this morning, yet they have not jelled enough for me to be able to write about them. I'm definintely keeping a notebook close by today to see what surfaces. Perhaps it will be interesting. Then again, perhaps not!

Have a great day!

4/3/2012: Reckoning

I've added up the calories from yesterday's disaster of an evening, as explained in my previous post.

Monday: Calories consumed - 2,801; Calories burned (60 minutes jog/walk) - 484; Net Calories - 2,317. That is 1,117 net calories over my target for the day.

So far, today has been much better. It's 7:00 and I have netted onky 732 calories, after dinner. That gives me room for a snack and I will still be under my goal of 1,200 net calories.

I'm glad today was a better day. :)

4/3/2012: Tough Night and Motivators

Last night was a rough one. When I got home from work I was very hungry, in fact I was hungry before I left work and I did not handle it well. What I should have done was have a cheese stick and an apple before I left work, to curb my hunger a little. I did exactly the wrong thing and had just an apple. That made me even hungrier. By the time I got home I was looking for anything that wasn't bolted down to eat. Luckily, I did start making dinner right away which was made much easier because of Carla's thoughtfulness. She had cleaned the lettuce and chopped the vegetables for our chef's salads before she left to go to her girlfriend's house. All I had to do was boil some eggs, chop up some turkey, and put the salads together. I'm telling you that it is amazing how many calories one can consume in the 15 minutes it takes to boil eggs and get them in a salad, if one puts her mind to it. Let's see...what did I eat? The first target was the little bit of hummus that was left over in the fridge, perhaps two tablespoons, I'm guessing. I ate that with about 10 wheat thins. Then it was the chocolate chips, three small handfuls of about 2 tablespoons each. Then I ate about 6 more wheat thins. By then, then salads were almost together and just to make those extra yummy I added a couple tablespoons of chopped nuts and a tablespoon of sunflowers seeds, along with about 2 ounces of shredded aged cheddar cheese. Yes, the cheese was really good!! I put about 3 tablespoons of dressing on the salad and then ate another dozen wheat thins and about an ounce of Port Salut cheese while eating the salad. It's a good thing there was not any wine in the house, or I would have drank that, too. By the time I was done eating all that food I was feeling full...too full. But that did not stop me from eating a couple small handfuls of Jack's dark chocolate m&ms during the KU game last night. I have not added all those calories up yet, but I will. I know the scale was not happy this morning. All I can say is I am glad it was not a weigh-in day this morning!!!!

I'm not pleased with myself, this morning. In fact I am pretty disappointed in myself for gorging last night. I know the trigger was being so hungry when I left work. I know the mistake was eating lunch early and then not eating my afternoon snack. I know how to keep this from happening again. Today, I am packing my snacks and I will eat a snack at about 3:30, that will make a huge difference! I will also eat a morning snack and that will help me eat lunch a little later in the day.

Aside from thinking about how much I ate last night, this morning I have been thinking about my short term and long term goals and motivators. The shortest term motivator is our youngest daughter's wedding. Brianna is getting married on May 11th! I can't believe it is so soon!! The funny thing is it isn't the wedding, exactly, that has me motivated to look as good as possible on the 11th of May, it's the photos that are going to exist for decades afterwards! I know I can't get thin by then, but I can lose another 10 pounds. Those 10 pounds will make a big difference in how I look and feel! After eating way too much last night, I had to remind myself that I do have this short term goal of Brianna's wedding to shoot for, and I need to keep myself on track for that.

The second motivator is another wedding! My nephew, Pat, and his bride-to-be, Heather, are getting married on June 30th. Another 10 pounds or so by then? I think that is doable! And then Jack and I go on vacation in mid-September. We are going to the northeast to camp, hike, and enjoy a little NYC action. My goal is to be in the 180s by then. I know for a fact that if I am in the 180s when we are on our vacation I will feel a lot better about myself and enjoy our time off so much more than if I hadn't started working on my health and fitness a little over 5 weeks ago.

Longer term? I want to hike the entire Long Trail somewhere between my 55th and 60th birthdays. I don't have an exact time yet, because that will be about a 6 week endeavor and I don't know what my work situation will be then, but it is definitely a goal to hike it before my 60th birthday.

Longer, longer term? Back packing, hiking, and camping well into my 70s and 80s. I'd like to explore mountains around the world, carrying my own gear. It sure sounds like fun to me!!

I better run. Late for work.

4/2/2012: Making Progress!!

I weighed 212.6 today!! Hooray!! Seeing the progress on the scale feels awesome, but at the same time it makes it hard to stay patient. Now that I can start to see around the corner to the two-ohs instead of the two-teens, it's making me really impatient to get to the one-nineties. I have to shake those feelings, though, and take this one day at a time. Each day, on its own, is doable. If I start rushing ahead, mentally, I will get frustrated with my progress, even though the progress I've made has exceeded my goals, so far. So, patience, Grasshopper, I tell myself. All in good time.

Net Calories for the last two days:

Saturday: Calories consumed - 1,208; Calories burned - (60 minute jog/walk) 485; Net Calories - 723

Sunday: Calories consumed - 1,432; Calories burned - (50 minutes weight lifting) 484; Net Calories - 948.

I also worked in my garden yesterday for about 4 hours. I finished filling the tomato garden with Mel's Mix, added some Mel's Mix, to the border garden around the patio for my herbs, and planted a bunch of starts and seeds. I know it is still early for tomatoes, but I couldn't help it. It's just so beautiful out. Everything else that got planted should be fine, even with a light freeze. Carla and I planted lettuce, spinach and broccoli starts, and put in snap pea, carrot, beet, kale, swiss chard, and lettuce seeds. I'm going to wait a couple weeks to plant the cucumber, cantelope and zuchini. It's fun to have veggies in the ground again!

Have a great day!!

4/1/2012: Picture Day, Week 5

The photo on the left is my start photo and was taken on February 26th. The photo on the right is my 5 week photo and was taken on April 1st. Aside from the fact that we went from winter to spring, can you see a difference? OK, I don't love the shorts, but they are the only ones that fit right now. I can get into and button another pair that I like a lot better, but they are still too tight to wear.

Whether you can see the difference or not, I have lost 10.2 pounds. This morning's unofficial weigh-in was 213.8 pounds. Tomorrow is my weigh-in mark-my-chart day, so we'll see what that brings when I get on the scale in the morning. Also, I can feel the difference. I am happier, more energetic, my clothes are getting looser, and exercising is getting easier. There has been a lot of progress in 5 weeks.

It is a beautiful spring day and I am looking forward to working in the garden and making some progress on our garage project. So far, Carla has done an amazing job of cleaning out and organizing the garage, a project I have wanted to tackle for 3 years. There is not that much left to do and I'm looking forward to having well organized and easy to find tools!

I hope all of you enjoy this beautiful spring day!