9/30/2015: Day 7 of Abstinence; 77 Days Until Surgery

That was a whirlwind trip!  I left for work Monday morning at about 7am, worked until 1:30 and hit the road.  After 6.5 hours of driving I spent the night in Decatur, Illinois.  I had a short 30 minute drive the next morning to get to my business meeting at 8am which lasted until 12:30 and then I pointed the car back in the direction that I came and 6.5 hours later I was home.  I planned ahead and packed all of my meals except breakfast, assuming scrambled eggs and fruit would be easy to come by on Tuesday morning.  That turned out to be not quite true as I didn’t get great advice from the front desk clerk at the hotel.  The diner I was directed to was not open at 6:30 in the morning.  I ended up eating my nuts and a couple of apples for breakfast.  It could have been worse.  All in all, I feel pretty good about the fact that I spent 14 of the last 36 hours in a car by myself and did not eat any off program food.  I drank a lot of water, ate a few too many apples, and consumed more nuts than is recommended in a normal On Program day (they are high in calories) but I didn’t eat any of the foods on my abstinence list, so I feel really good about that.  I’m calling it a success.  And next time I’m packing an extra meal, just in case something unexpected happens again.

With respect to exercise, I got a workout in Monday morning and brought my gear with me on my trip.  I did not get up early enough to exercise yesterday morning, though.  I did get my workout in this morning, so that’s good.  I’m still doing the Black Fire workouts on the Daily Burn website.  I like them a lot.  I find them motivating and tough.  They make me work hard.  I want to do them all, every week.  So far so good with Black Fire.

The big news, of course, is that Steve left for Samoa this morning.  He will be a Peace Corps volunteer for the next 27 months.  Maybe it hasn’t quite hit me yet, but he is leaving the northern hemisphere and the western hemisphere for over 2 years.  I know he is going to have an amazing, transformative experience.  He has promised that he will blog about his experience.  He even bought a camera so he can take pictures!  As soon as I know his blog address I will share it with everyone.  It’s hard to believe he’s gone.  This is something he has wanted for years.  It is quite a process to get accepted as a volunteer into the program but he stuck with it and now it’s paying off.  Samoa.  For 27 months.  Wow!  Jack and I are planning on visiting him next year.  I am looking forward to that!

The business trip was fruitful.  I learned quite a bit and met some people that I will be working with into the future.  I can’t give a lot of details yet (that will change soon), but for now it shall suffice to say that my world is getting turned a bit upside down.  The next 90 days are going to be BUSY!  I don’t expect to have any days completely off until my surgery and I am a little worried about being able to take off the last couple weeks of the year.  I think between Mike and me we can get everything squared away prior to December 16^th, but it is going to be tight.  I just need to settle into a routine of working weekends and evenings and acknowledging that that is the way it is going to be for a while.  I have activities planned and will continue to do those things, like bowling, baseball games (we have tickets to all of the playoff games, exciting!), kids and grandkids coming to visit, kickball, etc…, but when I am not doing something else I will pretty much be at work for the rest of the year.  The payoff will be that when we get everything done that we need to get done, our jobs will actually become easier in many respects.  It’ll be fine.  We’ll get this done.  Such is life.

I’m feeling strong with regard to my program.  An interesting thing happened on Day 5 and I can’t remember if I already mentioned it in a previous post, if so, I’ll be repeating myself.  On Day 5 I noticed that food started tasting really good.  I first noticed it with a strawberry.  I popped a breakfast strawberry in my mouth and I was struck with how sweet and full of flavor it was.  All day long I was exclaiming, “Wow, that tastes really good!”  Funny thing is, it was all the same food that I’ve been eating for months.  The big difference?  I was no longer eating anything sweetened with sugar or any manufactured foods of any sort.  I also no longer had cravings for any of those foods.  It’s as if my taste buds readjusted to appreciating the real food.  It sure makes eating food enjoyable when everything tastes so good!

Do I have a food addiction?  Probably a better question is do I have a crap food addiction?  My behavior certainly mimics that of an addict.  If I abstain completely from crap food I lose my cravings for it and can resist any temptations that are around me.  But if I “slip” and have just one, it seems to open the door to having two a couple days later, and then more the next day, and before you know it, it’s a habit again.  I’ve lived with an alcoholic.  I’ve lived this pattern.  Sobriety for 3 or 4 months.  Then one drink.  Then a couple days later, two drinks, while convincing himself he is not an alcoholic and he can be a “social drinker.”  Then within a few weeks, drinking every night, and before too long, drinking heavily again.  The only real difference between my crap eating pattern and an alcoholics drinking pattern is that eating crap has a milder immediate impact on my life.  I can still function when I’m eating crap and the negative impact on my behavior and body are harder to see.  That is one of the things that makes it so insidious.  You can hardly tell that it is a problem until you are totally hooked.  I think this probably is an addiction.   As many of you know, many years ago I went through several years of therapy to deal with depression and PTSD.  I’ve decided to go back to therapy to cure this one last thing.  While I am at it, I am going to figure out once and for all why I get so depressed between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year.  My first appointment is this afternoon.  If you thought this blog was interesting before (and perhaps you didn’t – but then you wouldn’t still be reading, would you?), just wait until I start blogging about therapy.

I gotta run.  Work calls.

Have a beautiful day!

9/28/2015: Abstinence Day 6; Quick Business Trip Today - don't have time to blog

Sad but true, I don't have time to blog today.  I have to get to work, I hit the road at noon and will be driving the rest of the day.  I have a meeting in Illinois from 8:00am Tuesday morning till noon, and then I will head home.  When I get home, I will be hosting a dinner for Steve and Audrey because it is Steve's last night in the US before leaving for Samoa.  I cooked Tuesday's main course (curried meatballs and veggies) yesterday and just typed up instructions for Steve to heat up the meatball dish and cook the brown rice (no, I won't eat any rice) so it is ready to go when I get home.  I find this a little stressful.  I am completely relying on Steve and Jack to have the house ready, table set, food warmed up, etc...  I hope to get home at 6:00, throw together a tossed salad, and be cook, calm and collected to host a little dinner party.  Ah, the trials of the modern family.

I have already cooked three of the dishes this week and I have packed 2 lunches and a dinner for my road trip.  The only meal I will have to "eat out" is tomorrow's breakfast.  That is fairly safe.  Eggs and fruit.

I received a wonderful email from a family member yesterday that came about partly as a result of my blogging.  Wow!!  Thank you so much.  It was so nice to get all the news and get caught up a little bit.  I will respond, soon!!

Have a beautiful day!

Younger Next Year - Recap

I'm reading Younger Next Year as I wait for my car. I'm on page 29. This paragraph says it all:

"A lot of people unconsciously assume they they will get-old-and-die:  one phrase, almost one word, and certainly one seamless concept. That when they get old and infirm, they will die soon after, so a deteriorating quality of life does not matter. That is a deeply mistaken idea and a dangerous premise for planning your life. In fact, you will probably get-old-and-live. You can get decrepit, if you like, but you are not likely to die; you are likely to live like that for a long, long time. Most Americans today will live into their mid-eighties, whether they are in great shape or shuffling around on walkers. And that number is rising over time, too, so you may live well into your nineties, whether you like it or not. Which is a good reason to make the last third of your life terrific-and not a dreary panoply of obesity, sore joints and apathy. "Normal aging" is intolerable and avoidable. You can skip most of it and grow old, not just gracefully, but with real joy."  Dr. Henry S. Lodge, M.D.

9/27/15: Abstinence Day 5; 80 Days Until Surgery

This blog is helping me stay On Program, thank goodness.  After many fits and starts, I am solidly back On Program and most of the cravings are gone.  Yesterday I wanted to snack a little bit between meals, but I wasn’t craving sweets.  I had a small handful of nuts and an apple.  At dinner time I wanted to eat more than the portion I put on my plate, so I had a little more chicken.  I was tired going into the day yesterday after working a 14 hour day on Thursday and our late dinner with Steve and Audrey on Friday, and then I had a very busy Saturday morning and afternoon.  By 4:30, when I got home from working for a few hours, I was just beat.  I put the chicken and vegetables in the oven to roast and took a nap!  I never nap.

I hope to have a little more energy today.  I was in bed before 9:00 last night and woke up this morning at 5:30 without the alarm.  I have a lot to do today, too!  I’m going to try to get the meatballs cooked this morning before leaving for Firestone to get a new headlight and an oil change at 8:00.  I need to get the headlight this morning because I hit the road at noon tomorrow for a quick business trip to Illinois.  I’ll be home by 6:00 on Tuesday so that we can have our last dinner at home with Steve before we take him to the airport early Wednesday morning.  Then he is off to Samoa!  After cooking Tuesday’s dinner (the meatballs) and getting the car serviced, I’ll come home and we’ll eat a late breakfast.  Then Jackie and I are off to the last Royals home game of regular season.  We’ll get home around 4:30, I’ll cook the Thai Basil Chicken stir fry for dinner, and then I need to pack, dust off my old laptop for my work trip, and it’ll be time to go to bed.  There’s not much time for rest this weekend.

In spite of being too busy, the blog helps me stay focused on my top priority, which is staying On Program.  Just typing the words “80 Days Until Surgery” in the title of my blog post is enough to focus me.  It’s an “Oh Crap” moment every time I type those words.  This is really happening.  It seems like no time has passed is I typed “84 Days to Go,” yet it has been four days.  I really don’t have time to waste.  I need to stay focused so that I can be the size I want to be going into and, more importantly, coming out of surgery. 

It is a huge relief to have the cravings gone.  One of the hardest parts of losing weight is fighting the constant cravings for Crap Food.  Crap Food, or “foods that are supernormally stimulating in the absence of nutrition and satiety,” to quote It Starts with Food, is so easy to eat and so very addictive.  These foods are manufactured to trigger our desire to eat more of them.  They are abnormally sweet, salty, and fatty; all tastes that tell our primitive brain that this thing is nourishment.  Yet Crap Food is not nourishment.  It is a manufactured mess of highly processed ingredients and chemicals pressed together to resemble food.  There are easily accessible calories in these products, but there are virtually no nutrients.  We overconsume Crap Food and get too many calories and are malnourished at the same time.  Then we wonder why we’re hungry and want more Crap Food.  Our food should not be manufactured, it should be grown or raised.  Our food shouldn’t come from a factory, it should come from a garden.  Cars come from factories, vegetables come from the back yard. 

I abhor the Big Food Industry, or the BFFI, as I like to call it.  I’m sure you can figure out what the extra “F” stands for.  The two biggest targets of my ire are Monsanto and ConAgra.  Under the guise of creating technology to feed the world, they have taken the manufacturing of foods all the way to the seed level.  It is getting difficult to find seeds that have not been genetically engineered in some way.  The BFFI genetically engineers seeds to withstand the pesticides that they manufacture, then they patent the seed.  In addition, they engineer the seeds so that they don’t reproduce, locking the farmer into buying their seeds year after year after year.   But that is just the beginning.  The wheat from the engineered seeds is then ultra-processed and repackaged with “stable fats,” sugar (usually in the form of high fructose corn syrup), salt, and artificial flavors (chemicals of all sorts), in order to create something that resembles food.  We eat it and, really, it doesn’t taste that good.  I mean really, Oreos, for example, don’t taste that good.  Eat one slowly, if you can.  I mean really savor that Oreo.  What does it taste like?  Chocolate?  No, not really.  Butter?  No, not butter.  There really isn’t a taste, per se, yet if I eat one, I’ll eat more, compulsively, until I’ve had “too many.”  Quite frankly, one is too many.  It really does piss me off that the BFFI has been so successful at taking over our food chain that it takes real effort to avoid manufactured food.  The BFFI is not in this business to feed the world.  They are in this business to make money, a lot of money.  I don’t have a problem with businesses being run to make money, I’m a capitalist, I help run a business, I get it.  But I do have a problem with a couple of huge companies controlling our food supply, shoving patented and addictive foods at us non-stop, and a few people at the very top getting incredibly rich in the process.  It’s nuts.  The biggest difference between the BFFI and the big drug cartels, in my opinion, is that the BFFI is legal and it’s sponsored by the government.  Ugh.  My soap box.  I’ll get off it.  It’s just…it really does upset me.  Buy local.  OK.  Now I’ll step off the box.

I am lucky, Jackie and I are both fully employed and our kids are all grown and out of college.  Our expenses are relatively low compared to our income so I can afford to buy the food I want to buy.  It is more expensive to buy from local farmers.  It costs more money for farmers to raise crops and livestock without the manufactured seeds and without rampant use of chemicals and hormones.  It was not that long ago that I was on a very tight budget and I had to be very careful about every food dollar.  I know it’s not easy.  I’m grateful that I am now in a position to buy local.  It makes me feel better to know that some of my dollars are going to the farmers that are working hard to grow real food. 

I am also grateful that my cravings for Crap Food are gone.  It only took four days, though the first day felt like ten.  I am grateful for this blog.  When I write about this, it forces me to actually think about it.  When I think about it I get interested in what motivates me to make the choices I am making.  Then I start reading about it.  Then I write about it some more, which really makes me think.  I get beyond the compulsion to satisfy my cravings to understanding what it is that I really want.  When I get to the spot where I am examining my motives and desires closely, it becomes pretty clear that I really don’t want that Oreo.  If I eat that Oreo, who ultimately wins?  Not me.  That Oreo does nothing good for me.  Who wins, then?  The BFFI wins.  I don’t want the BFFI to win.  I don’t want to support them.  I don’t want to be addicted to their products.  Why then, am I eating that stupid Oreo?  It all becomes pretty clear, when I really think about it, and writing these blog posts forces me to really think about it. 

I occurred to me that I could write in a journal instead of writing blog posts, but I lose interest in writing in a journal very quickly.  I have no idea if anyone is actually reading my blog posts, but at least I can pretend that people are reading them.  It is a lot more compelling to write to an audience than it is to just write.  I talk to myself enough all day long, I don’t need to write to myself, too.  So, if you are reading this, thank you.  I am truly grateful.

Have a beautiful day!

9/26/15: Abstinence Day 4; 81 Days Until Surgery

Yesterday was Perfect Day 3!!!  Dinner was a success on multiple fronts.  I planned well for the day and ate a late, On Program, lunch, so I was not ravenous when we ate a late dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Café Trio.  I did not drink any alcohol and I did not eat any Off Program food.  The purpose of the dinner was not to indulge my food fantasies, the purpose of the dinner was to meet Steve’s girlfriend, Audrey.  So while my meal was nice, it consisted of a garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and a main course of scallops over a bed of sautéed vegetables, it wasn’t Off Program or high in calories.  I found it necessary to tell the waiter that I was on an abstinence program so that she would stop asking me if I wanted anything besides water to drink.  It was interesting how quickly that changed her demeanor from one of, “aren’t you going to have a drink?” to respect for my choices.  I have never used the word abstinence to describe my decision not to eat or drink certain things before, but it is an effective word.  It has a very distinct and widely understood meaning and people don’t challenge it.  For me, the word doesn’t carry any negative connotations and there is no grey area.  Decision made.  Move on.  Enjoy whatever else it is I’m doing and be grateful for the healthy food that is on my plate.

Dinner last night was not focused on the food and drink we were consuming, it was focused on getting to know Audrey a little bit before Steve leaves for Samoa on Wednesday.  We had met her very briefly once before, when she picked Steve up for a date, but last night was the first time that we had a chance to really visit.  I find these types of events a little awkward, yet they are so necessary.  Introducing a new person into well-established family dynamics is an interesting process.  That said, Audrey, Steve and Jack handled it very well.  I think I stumbled through the evening in an adequate fashion.  I have never been very good at making conversation when I don’t know a person, but Steve and Jack were great about keeping the conversation flowing and getting the stories rolling.

I like Audrey a lot and it is clear that she and Steve care deeply for one another.  What mom can ask for more than that?  She seems like an intelligent, strong, independent, compassionate woman.  She has had her own life adventures, including studying abroad in Spain for a semester during her undergraduate studies and going back to Spain for a year after she graduated to teach English as a second language.  With Steve getting ready to leave for 27 months they have a challenge ahead of them.  

Jack and I encouraged them to write letters to each other as their main mode of communication, rather than emails, Skype, or another more immediate form of communication.  When Jack and I lived 3000 miles apart we discovered that letter writing was a very effective and intimate way of communication and getting to know one another.  There is just something different about hand writing a letter and putting it in the mail.  The writing process takes longer and it is more thoughtful.  Also, you don’t sit at your computer and wait for a response.  You write whatever it is you want to write and you put it in the mailbox, then you go about your day.  You don’t fret over when you’ll get a response, because it will be a while before you get one, particularly if you live in Samoa.  Chances are you’ll write another letter before you get a response from the first one.  I hope they give letter writing a chance.  I know that one of the reasons Jack and I fell so deeply in love with each other is because we wrote letters to each other for so many years.  It’s powerful stuff.

It’s 8:08 on Saturday morning and per my normal routine I have already balanced the checkbook, paid the bills, and updated our budget.  I have also picked our meals for the week.  This week I am preparing:

• Roasted Chicken with Vegetables (This is one dish I cook every week.  It is a nice, one dish meal.  The chicken is simple but delicious and the veggies are good, too.)
• Stir Fry Thai Basil Chicken with Bell Peppers, Zucchini, and Carrots
• Thai Yellow Curry Bake (Curried meatballs baked in a coconut curry sauce with sautéed onions and sweet potatoes)
• Roasted Pork Tenderloin with Pear-Cabbage Medley
• Beef and Potato Skillet (or hamburger hash, as I usually call it)

This will be enough food for all of our meals this week, including my lunches.  Jack will do the grocery shopping this morning after he gets up and I will get most of the cooking done this weekend.  The hamburger hash and Thai basil chicken are quick to prepare.  I’ll probably cook those on the evening that we decide to have them.

I missed my exercise a few times this week because of a couple of late night events.  One of them was the ball game Tuesday night and the other was a very late night at work on Thursday.  While these might sound like lame excuses, they are what they are.  I get up at 4:00am to exercise and if I don’t get to bed until 10:30 or 11:00 it is just too hard to get up that early.  I’ll exercise today and tomorrow and it will all be fine.  I am not in any danger of slipping out of the habit of exercising.  It is something I do, now.  It would helpful if I could add some light exercise into my evening routine, a walk, for instance.  That is something I have never been able to do consistently.  I am not sure why not.  It seems like such a good idea.  I’m not so busy that I couldn’t walk most evenings for 30 minutes.  Just go for a walk, dammit!!  Just go for a walk.  Why don’t you just go for a walk?  At the very least, on the days that I don’t get any other exercise in, I will go for a 30 minute walk.  There.  Decision made.  It seems so obvious.  Just go for a walk!!

This weekend started out busy and will stay that way.  Yesterday evening started with a haircut and then we had dinner with Audrey and Steve.  Today I am going to the bank with Steve to be added as a signer to his bank account while he is in Samoa, and then I am going to work for a few hours.  It would be nice to get some bowling practice in, too.  Tomorrow I have a car service appointment in the morning and we have a baseball game in the afternoon.  Of course, I need to cook.

I have a quick business trip that starts Monday afternoon and I will be home Tuesday evening.  Audrey is coming over for Steve’s last dinner at home on Tuesday and we drop Steve off at the airport early Wednesday morning.  I have a mega project at work that I have to get done as quickly as possible.  More on that later.  It is going to be busy around here.  Oh yeah, and I am going to have major, life changing surgery in 81 days. 

Whew!  Seems like a lot.  I better get going.

Have a wonderful day!! 

9/25/15: Holding Steady on a Very Stressful Day

Work is nuts.  I have a tremendous amount of very important, time sensitive, difficult work to do in a short period of time.  There are things I cannot do without a little bit of help and it seems all the people I need to help me are not here today.

That said, I packed my food well.  When I left for work this morning I knew that dinner would be a challenge, so I did not want to leave work hungry.  Therefore, I packed a mini-lunch and a regular lunch.  I ate my mini-lunch around 10:30am (I eat breakfast at about 5:30) and I am eating my regular lunch now, at 3:15.  It is satisfying and I don't have any cravings for sweets.  I also know I won't be too hungry for dinner at Cafe Trio, which isn't until 7:45.  I feel like planning today is really paying off.

I hope all this work I'm doing at work will pay off as well!

9/25/15: Abstinence Day 3

Wednesday and Thursday were perfect On Program days.  No crap food, No Alcohol.  And my body responded predictably by losing the “weight” I gained.  I put weight in quotation marks because the two pounds less that I weighed this morning were not two pounds of fat, it was two pounds of water weight that I gained from eating Off Program on Sunday (kickball) and Tuesday (ball game).  I felt much better yesterday.   A lot of this is a mental game, just deciding to do it.  That’s one of the reasons abstinence is easier than moderation, once I’ve really decided to do this thing, I’m doing it.  There is no good reason to go Off Program, no matter what event gets put in my way.   Tonight will be rough.  We are taking my son and his girlfriend (yes, I said girlfriend and yes, this is brand new) to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  It will be difficult to stay on program, but not impossible.  I will do it!!!  I can do anything for 82 days!!!!