I just had a satisfying breakfast with Jackie, washed the dishes, and read the paper; all in all, a pleasant morning; yet all I can think about is, "I wish I had something sweet to eat." I am sure all of my readers with addictions know how much this sucks. Addictions are bizarre because of their contradictions. I know that I feel and look like shit because I allowed myself to wallow in sugar for too long, but I want to eat it anyway. It makes no sense. I am grateful that I don't have an addiction to a more damaging substance, but I'm pissed at myself for succumbing to my sugar addiction. It will kill me, or at least make me very ill, just like an addiction to a more lethal substance would, but it's a slower process. Sugar is an insidious substance, it's packaging is delightful, "Ooh, what a beautiful cupcake!" Sugar's damage is all behind the scenes, we don't see our cells slowly building a resistance to insulin or the other damaged caused by glucose overdoses, but the damage occurs, just the same, whether we see it or not. I know this. I mean I really know it. There is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, that sugar may be the substance that completely destroys my potential for a long and healthy life. The funny thing is there isn't really anything fun about eating sweets. I crave them and when I am not committed to abstaining from sweets, I eat them. While I eat them I feel a sense of relief, it's not joy, it's not fun, but it's a sense of relief, from the craving, I guess. Once I have sated the craving, and it takes more than "a serving" to do so, the craving stops and I can focus on other things and be productive again. I don't need to eat sweets all day to keep the cravings at bay, but if I am not abstaining from sweets, I need to eat them everyday or I start to crawl the walls. I am writing about this to convince myself that I must abstain from sugar.
I was talking to Jack about this yesterday. I have broken free from this cycle before and I will break free from it again. Writing in this blog, talking to Jackie about it, keeping sweets out of the house, and exercising regularly are all tools that will help me break free, again. It's day 4. Another week of this and the cravings should be gone. I'm also abstaining from wheat products and alcohol, as those substances keep my sugar cravings active. But even when I am free of the cravings, I am not free of the addiction. Once I get a month into sobriety, for lack of a better word, I no longer have these stupid cravings, but then I begin to feel smug. I feel proud of my victory over sugar and think, "This isn't so hard!" The point is, even in my sobriety, I think about sugar; but instead of caving into the cravings, I'm gloating over my self-control. It's still a part of me. No matter what.
Addiction is complex. It's infuriating. There is only one way to combat it and that is to abstain from the addictive substance. Today is Day 4. Tomorrow will be day 5. Sunday will be day 6. And so it goes.
With each passing day I feel better. My joints are a lot less creaky and I am less stiff. I got a decent workout in yesterday, in spite of the crappy weather. I like my little home gym. It's kind of cute, I've taken over the back half of the family room with my home office set up in one corner and my home gym taking up the rest of the space. It's my own little spot in the world. I've always liked having my own spot. It doesn't need to be big or elaborate, it just needs to be my spot. It took a couple of weeks of fussing about the house for me to get my spot established, but I am settling into it, now. I guess, in a way, it's one of the things that helps me abstain from sugar, having a safe, cozy little spot that nobody else touches; a spot where I can think and work that's just mine. Just sitting here in the corner, with the sun shining in, writing in my blog, makes me content and helps me feel stronger.
As I said, I am starting to feel better. On a scale of 0 - 10, today I give myself a 4. I'm still not feeling good, but the improvement is promising and gives me the incentive I need to keep working at it. Additional incentive is a ski trip my sister and I are beginning to plan. My first road trip is beginning to take shape. Ruth has the week of March 3 - 10, off and wants to play. The tentative plan is for me to leave here on March 1st, after Jack and I celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary on February 28th, spend a couple of days in Idaho Springs with family (Rebecca, does that work for you?), pick Ruth up from the Denver airport on the 3rd or 4th, drive to Norwood to stay with our cousin for a couple of days, look at inns, and then go to Telluride and ski for a few days. I'll take Ruth back to the airport, probably see my family in Idaho Springs again, and then drive to CA for my niece's wedding. Jack will fly out to CA to meet up with me for the wedding and drive back with me, at least as far as Denver; so that he can see a couple of the inns and spend a little time with the kids. The point is, skiing is part of the plan and in order to have fun skiing, I need to get in much better shape. This tentative plan was just formulated last night, so there are a lot of details to work out, but I think it will be a great road trip and I am looking forward to it. The healthier and stronger I am when I hit the road on March 1st, the more fun I will have. It is good incentive.
The consulting firm that I am working with to find an inn is called Inn Partners, they are based out of Brattleboro, Vermont. I am working with a young man named Eben. I am finally starting to get information from him regarding several inns that I have researched, so the search is beginning to become a little more tangible. That's exciting and scary. More on that later.
Right now, I have some emails to draft and research to do, so that Ruth and I can make this ski trip happen. It'll be a busy day, I have to work on RC Hospitality books, get a workout in, and plan a trip. That ought to keep me out of trouble for at least a little while!!
