11/4/15: My Weight Loss Graph, October 15, 2011, Through Yesterday, November 3, 2015

Days of abstinence: 42

Days until surgery: 42 

Weight:  161.2 pounds

I worked out yesterday morning, went for a 2 mile walk last night with Jack and got to bed early enough last night so that I could exercise again this morning.  It feels good to be getting back into my routine.  I started my Black Fire video series over again since I had missed so many workouts in the last couple of weeks.  I hate starting all over again, but I am weaker than I was just a few weeks ago.  It is amazing how fast the body starts to decay when you don’t take the time to exercise.  The book, "Younger Next Year," was absolutely correct when it said you either grow a little each day or decay a little each day and we get to make the choice of which one we want, by deciding to exercise or not exercise each and every day.  The book, "It Starts With Food," is correct (in my opinion) when it says there is no such thing as a net neutral food.  The food I eat is either going to make me healthier or less healthy.  There is no in-between.  Sometimes it’s hard not to beat myself up a little bit and wonder why I couldn’t have figured so much of this out a 10 or 20 years ago.  The important thing is to know that the next 50 years are going to be so much better than they would be if I hadn’t started making these major changes 4 years ago.   

I’ve been tracking my weight in My Fitness Pal since October 15, 2011.  Here is a snapshot of the graph (you can click on the graph to see it more clearly):

What a road this has been!

On the one hand, I can’t say I am proud of the 2 year climb back to 179.4 pounds.  On the other hand, I am kind of proud that I topped out at only 179.4 pounds and that it took me two years to gain that much weight back.  In previous cycles, I would have gained all of the weight back that I had lost, plus ten pounds in much less time than it took me to gain 29.4 pounds.  What I think is most interesting about this graph is the downward trend of the peaks.  First of all, 228 pounds is not the most I have ever weighed.  The heaviest weight that I ever saw on a scale was 238 pounds when I was 39 years old.  I believe my heaviest weight ever was probably right around 250 pounds because that 238 pound weigh-in was after I had been doing Tae Kwon Do and dieting for several months.  I was too scared to get on a scale before then.

What I see, when I look at this graph, starting with the 228 pounds on October 15^th and ending with yesterday, is the peaks are getting lower and lower.  I am getting more and more uncomfortable with being overweight and I am getting better at stopping the behavior that is causing the weight gain and getting back on track.  None of the downward ticks, after the upward climbs, came accidentally.  Every last one of them was a conscious decision to get back on track.  I am excited that I am getting close to my goal weight of 150 pounds.  What I am even more excited about is that I believe I have finally found the key to keeping my weight close to my goal weight for the rest of my life;  abstain from sugar forever.

As I said in yesterday’s post, I am not struggling with food decisions anymore.  I’m not wrestling with an inner voice that keeps saying, “You can eat that, it won’t matter.”  One candy bar does matter.  It matters a lot.  I have rationalized, hundreds of times, eating one candy bar.  It’s only 210 calories.  That’s not much.  You can make up for that by going for a walk or eating less dinner.  Of course, as often as I ate one candy bar, I’d eat two candy bars.  Now I’m up to 420 calories.  That’s a whole meal.  And then I am fighting cravings for the next several days.

I keep using the word “relief,” to the point that I feel like I am over using it; but I can’t think of a better word to use.  I am so relieved that the inner voices have quieted and that I am on a plan that I know will get me to my goal weight and that I know will allow me to maintain my goal weight for the rest of my life; without a daily struggle with food choices.  The books, “Younger Next Year,” and “It Starts With Food,” got me started on the lifelong changes that I’ve made.  Accepting the fact that I am a sugar addict and making the decision to abstain from sugar forever was the final piece of the puzzle.  It is all falling into place.  Finally.  Whew!  What a ride!!

Have a beautiful day! 

11/3/15: Finding Peace with Food

Days of abstinence: 41

Days until surgery: 43 

Weight:  161.2 pounds

Baseball is done for the season.  Kickball is also done.  Work is slowing down a little bit.  I had time to exercise this morning.  Life is starting to feel normal again.  Thank goodness!  That was a rough couple of months.  I got two of my three weekend projects done, so far.  The two bedrooms are ready for grandchildren and I switched out my summer and winter clothes and got all of my clothes put away.  Now, I just need to get my filing caught up during the evenings this week and then I will be ready this weekend to clean bathrooms and the kitchen and cook meals in preparation for our family’s arrival.  I’m starting to feel a little calmer and less stressed about everything.  I’m so glad.  I’m looking forward to a more relaxed pace for a while.

I’ve been thinking a lot about being a sugar addict, lately.  Mostly, I’ve been thinking about how grateful I am that I have been sugar free for 41 days, going on the rest of my life.  I have no desire to eat sugar again, ever.  I have no cravings for donuts or candy or cookies or cake.  One of the most satisfying aspects of abstaining from sugar is the fact that the rest of my diet has started regulating itself.  Almost without effort, I am sticking to my Program.  It feels like I am on cruise control or auto pilot.  I still enjoy cooking a variety of food and trying new things, so meals are not boring, but they are just meals.  My meal time does not spill into other parts of my day.  I don’t eat snacks.  I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and that’s it.  I don’t even think about eating after dinner.  Once dinner is done, and I try to eat by 5:30 and no later than 6:00, I just don’t think about eating anymore.  It wasn’t that long ago that when I packed lunch for work I packed a big bag of (healthy) food.  I’d pack lunch but I’d also pack an extra apple and some nuts.  Now I pack my serving of lunch and one apple and that’s it.  That’s all that comes to work with me and that is just fine.  I don’t get cravings, I don’t find myself crawling through the cupboards looking for something to eat, and I never feel like I have to eat right this minute.   I find this change in my attitude towards food remarkable.  I always thought that I would be fighting back an urge to eat for the rest of my life.  Monitoring my food intake has felt like a constant arm wrestling match for as long as I can remember.  I’ve always known that I have a natural tendency to eat too much.  I’ve said it before, I have a consumption problem.  It’s been a lifelong struggle to limit the amount of food I consume so that I am not overweight.  I have given up sugar before, but it has always been temporary.  I’ve tried different programs that recommend eliminating sugar for a period of time and gradually adding back small amounts of sugar.  I’ve thought (and the programs I’ve read about – including the Whole 30 - encouraged this thought) that I could manage my use of sugar.  I now realize that this concept is just as crazy for me as it is for a heroin addict to think she can manage her use of heroin, or for an alcoholic to think he can manage his use of booze.  When I tried to manage my use of sugar, I kept the addiction alive and it impacted every food decision I made throughout the day.

I’ve been sugar free for 41 days.  I think (though I can’t swear to it) that this is the longest I have gone in my life with no sugar.  I’ve cut out sugar before, but I can’t recall a time in my life that I eliminated all sugar and sugar substitutes (including honey, syrup, and artificial sweeteners – including sugar-free mints and gum, etc.) for any period of time.  I’ve never said 100% and unequivocally, that I would never eat anything that has sugar or a sugar like substance in it ever again.  This decision has completely changed the way I think and feel about food.  I am truly grateful that I came to the realization, with my sister’s urging, that I needed to once and for all admit that I am an addict.  As an addict, I am either using or not using my drug of choice.  There is no in-between.  There is no moderation.  There is no just a little bit.  I’m done.  The war with sugar is over.  I had no idea that that would mean that my war with food would also be over, but it certainly seems to be the case.  It seems, so far, that I have found my peace with food.  Wow.  What a remarkable feeling this is.

May we all find peace in our lives.

Have a beautiful day!

11/2/15: There will be a Victory Parade in Kansas City!

Days of abstinence: 40

Days until surgery: 44 

Weight:  161.2 pounds

The Kansas City Royals won the World Series!!  There is so much joy in our house.  Jack is ecstatic!  We started buying ticket packages, starting with 10 games and this season with 20 games (a quarter season), and attending games regularly 5 years ago.  Through attending games I have become a fan of the game and of the Boys in Blue.  I still don’t really enjoy watching the game on TV.  That’s partly because I don’t like watching TV and that is partly because the game is so different on TV than it is live.  So last night, after about the 4^th inning, I went to bed.  I asked Jack to wake me up when they started winning.  I heard a massive yell right before midnight.  I didn’t know if we just won or we just lost, but something dramatic just happened, so I put on my robe and my glasses and walked out to the family room to see if I was going to be greeted with agony or ecstasy.  It was the former.  The Royals had just scored the go ahead run in the 12^th inning.  I stayed up to watch the Royals score several more runs and a lot of celebrating and replays afterwards.  I finally went to bed again at about 1:30 in the morning.  I didn’t fall asleep until Jack crawled into bed at 2:00.  4:00AM came awfully early this morning, so I stayed in bed until 6:00.  Go Royals!!

All is well with my Program.  I’ve been sugar free for 40 days.  That feels like a huge accomplishment for me.  Even bigger is that I have no cravings and no desire to ever eat anything sweet again.  Someday I am sure someone will offer me something that will look very good at the moment, but even then I know I will abstain.  Sweets are gone from my life, forever.

I weighed 161.2 pounds this morning.  Hey there 150s, I am knocking on your door!!

Have a beautiful day!

11/1/15: Second Guessing my Choice of Surgeons

Days of abstinence: 39

Days until surgery: 45 

Weight:  161.8 pounds

Before I talk briefly about the fact that I am second guessing my choice of surgeons, I am going to do something I don’t think I’ve ever done before on my blog, I am going to cut and past the final words from yesterday’s post into this one.  Every morning, prior to putting up a new blog post, I read yesterday’s blog post.  It’s always interesting to read what I said yesterday because it captures a moment.  My blog posts are seldom, if ever, premeditated.  Sometimes I have an idea of one thing that I want to talk about, but more often than not that thought veers off into an unexpected direction.  I guess that is what is fun, interesting, and effective about blogging.  I’ve said before that it helps me keep my thoughts straight.  By that I mean when I write down my thoughts, I stop the looping that occurs when I am stressed about something or not making good choices.  Once I write about it, I can put it away for the day.  Anyway, yesterday I ended my blog post with these words:

“I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel confident.  This is a nice way to live.  I feel like I am making choices rationally, not succumbing to cravings or falling victim to my addiction.  I am not beating myself up about my food choices or about how much I weigh.  I am not measuring my food, counting calories, or fussing about little choices.  I’m cooking healthy meals, eating three times a day, and that’s that.  It feels so natural.  My body and my brain are happy on this plan.  It just plain works for me (and my husband!).”

When I read those words this morning I said to myself, “Yeah, that’s right.  That is exactly how I feel.”  I may have to print those words out in a big font with a pretty picture in the background and tape it to the refrigerator so I never forget how being solidly on this program makes me feel.  So no matter what happens with my current worrying about surgeons, whether I postpone surgery to give myself time to interview more surgeons or I go ahead on the 16^th with Dr. Quinn, I will not waiver from this program.  I love feeling this good.

With regard to second guessing my choice of surgeons, I belong to a website whose users are all people that have had or are considering having plastic surgery.  It is full of real life experiences, including surgeon reviews.  There are several very positive reviews of Dr. Quinn, but yesterday I logged into the website for the first time since I changed surgeons and I had a comment from someone that had a negative experience with Dr. Quinn.  Her complaint was that she had poor results (she had a breast augmentation and one of the breast implants did not drop properly, so the results were very uneven) and Dr. Quinn was not willing to work with her to fix it.  I immediately panicked and started doing more poking around the site.  I found several other positive reviews and then found a second one stating she had a similar problem with Dr. Quinn.  Ugh.   I private messaged both women and asked for more information.  I heard back from one and she said that Dr. Quinn finally admitted the results were not good and said he would work with her to fix it.  Of course that means another surgery, which cannot be done for several more months.  So, as she put it, she will not be able to give him a positive review until the second procedure is done and she sees how it turns out.

All day yesterday I stressed about this.  One of the reasons I find this particularly stressful is I really like the date that we are scheduled to do the surgery.  It is conveniently on December 16^th.  I can take the rest of the year off and not be back at work until the 4^th of January.  Jack already has most of that time off because of the Christmas break they get at work.  I am also mentally prepared for the surgery.  I am ready to do this.  I have a $500 deposit down on the surgery, too, but that is minor.  In fact, all of this is minor compared to having the confidence that I have the right surgeon.  As I write this I am more aware than ever that I need to spend a little more time doing a little more research.  I don’t need to cancel my appointment with Dr. Quinn to visit with a few more surgeons and make absolutely sure I am making the right choice.  It’s going to take some time away from the office, but I want to do this once and only once.  This is a really big deal.  I need to be super confident that I have made the best choice I can make.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

We made a lot of progress yesterday in getting the house ready for the kids.  The two bedrooms are cleaned up and the beds are made, ready for our grandkids to sleep in.  I rehung all the pictures that came off the walls when we had the house re-sided a year ago.  It’s crazy that it took that long to do that project!  Today, along with cooking and kickball, I need to get my filing done.  Then, the only thing left to do to prepare for the upcoming visit is cleaning and cooking which we can get done next weekend.  We are so glad all the kids are coming to visit!!  It’ll be great to see everyone, especially our two newest babies, Alena and Jordan.  It’s always nice to get to spend time with the babies, because they are not babies very long!! 

As usual, so much to do and not much time to do it, so I gotta run. 

Have a beautiful day!

10/31/15: I Don’t Have to Work this Weekend!

Days of abstinence: 38

Days until surgery: 46 

Weight:  162.2 pounds

It’s been a while, a long while, since I had an entire weekend off.  The timing is good since we have a lot of family coming to town in less than two weeks for what is turning out to be a family reunion.  We will have quite the crowd here and we need the time to get the house in order.  We have a back bedroom that we don’t use for anything and it’s full of stuff that never made its way into the basement.  Today and tomorrow there will be a lot of organizing going on.  I am also way behind on my filing.  It’ll be good to get caught up today.

I’m still feeling great about my program. I bought the Whole30 book last weekend and made a few new recipes from it last week and they were all good.  It was nice having something different to eat.  I think I might make the chicken cacciatore for the kids while they’re here.  It was really good.  I’ll try some more new recipes this week. 

As my weight inches closer to the 150s I am feeling more confident that I will at least be close to my goal weight of 150 prior to surgery.  I can already feel subtle changes starting to happen that are hard to describe but they are the things that make the difference between feeling overweight and feeling like I am the right weight.  I noticed this the last time I was getting close to 150, too.  It always seemed so arbitrary to me that based on my BMI (I am 5’6” tall) I am considered overweight at anything over 154 pounds, until I reached 154 pounds.   When I am between 150 and 155 pounds I don’t feel like I am carrying around extra weight.  It feels like I am the weight I am supposed to be.  When I am in that range I don’t want to be thinner.  I wish I could describe why that weight feels right to me, but it is little things, like my breasts don’t feel heavy any more.  They’re all droopy and yucky (we’re going to fix that!) but they don’t feel too heavy.  In spite of not being able to describe why it feels like the right weight, I can tell I’m getting closer to it by the way my body feels to me.  It’s not about the way I look, I can’t really see a few pounds in the mirror, it’s really about the way my body feels.  I’m getting there, one pound at a time and that is a very satisfying feeling.

This is satisfying.  It gives me a lot of confidence to be 38 days into abstinence and know that I will never eat sugar again.  It also gives me a lot of confidence that I am 38 days into the Whole30 and know that I will stay On Program until I have recovered from surgery.  There is no doubt in my mind, none at all, that this is the healthiest food program I have ever been on.  You just have to look at my plates of food to know that this makes sense.  Breakfast is eggs and half a plate of veggies and a small bowl of fruit.  Lunch is chicken or beef or pork (all locally raised, pen free, antibiotic free, etc.), a bunch of veggies and an apple.  Dinner is just like lunch (that would be because lunch is leftover dinners).  There are no snacks.  I drink water and coffee.  Coffee is limited to one French press potful (about 2 ½ cups) a day.  The Whole30 is considered an elimination diet because it does eliminate certain foods from your diet, but it doesn’t feel like an elimination diet to me.  In fact, it bothers me when it is described as an elimination diet. 

When I think "elimination diet" I think of something like Atkins, which removes virtually all carbs from your diet and completely alters the way your body fuels itself by forcing your body into lipolysis or ketosis.  I just read a brief article on the Atkins website and it talks a lot about how being in ketosis is natural and is the most efficient way to lose weight.  This may be true, I have done no scientific studies on ketosis and the impact being in ketosis has on the body.  What I have done is the Atkins diet (and many, many other diets) and when I was on Atkins I felt terrible.  Not only did my breath stink, I had no energy.  I went on a short bike ride when I was about 3 weeks into an Atkins diet and just about fell off my bike.  I was losing weight, but I didn’t feel good.   A diet like Atkins stresses eating proteins and fats and severely limiting carbohydrates.

The Whole30 does not do that.  In fact, the Whole30 is exactly the opposite.  It encourages moderate amounts of protein, lots of veggies (including starchy, carbohydrate rich veggies like potatoes), and healthy fats.  What it discourages is anything manufactured in a factory.  It does eliminate a long list of foods, but these are all foods that some people (not all people) have a sensitivity to, in one way or another.  The Whole30 is designed to allow adding back some of these foods to your diet after the initial 30 days.  The thing is, I can’t quite figure out why I would want to do that, except out of convenience.  I don’t need or want to add back any of the foods for the purpose of our day-to-day home cooked meals.  The recipes I have and that I can find on the internet are delicious and satisfying and I have no need or desire to cook with any of the foods that aren’t allowed on the Whole30.  On the other hand, it is very difficult to eat at a restaurant and find food that you know, without a doubt, is Whole 30 compliant.  If you decide to do the Whole30, for the first 30 days it is easier if you can just avoid eating out.  So the convenience factor comes in when I think about the rest of my life.  I’ll always have to avoid restaurant salad dressings, as they almost always contain sugar.  But it is fun to eat out every now and then.  It takes a little fun out of eating out when you have to dissect the menu and quiz your server about every ingredient in every dish (which is why you might as well just eat at home for the first 30 days of your program).  Something might sound perfect and then you find out it has peas in it.  Nope, not Whole30 compliant.  Or you might want to order the crab cakes, but then you realize they are made with bread crumbs.  Nix that.  Until such a time that someone opens a Whole30 restaurant, eating out and staying on program will be a difficult (though not impossible) thing to do.  I think after February 1^st, I’ll start allowing myself to enjoy a night out every now and then, and not worry about hidden off Program foods.  I’ll always make choices that are primarily Whole30 compliant.  For example, pasta dishes are out forever, but I won’t stress over eating a chicken dish that is cooked with red wine. 

I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel confident.  This is a nice way to live.  I feel like I am making choices rationally, not succumbing to cravings or falling victim to my addiction.  I am not beating myself up about my food choices or about how much I weigh.  I am not measuring my food, counting calories, or fussing about little choices.  I’m cooking healthy meals, eating three times a day, and that’s that.  It feels so natural.  My body and my brain are happy on this plan.  It just plain works for me (and my husband!).

I guess I better sign off.  I have a lot to do today.

Have a beautiful day! 

10/30/15: Sleep! It Does the Body Good!

Days of abstinence: 37

Days until surgery: 47 

Weight:  162.4 pounds

We post-bowled last night because the Royals game on Wednesday took precedence over bowling league.  The nice thing about post-bowling is that it goes a lot fast than league bowling, so we were home before 9:00 last night.  I went straight to bed when we got home and had a good, solid night’s sleep.  I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because it was cold in the house, but that’s the only reason I didn’t want to get up.  I woke up slightly before the alarm went off and felt well rested and ready to go. 

The other bit of good news (it feels like good news to me, anyway) is that the deadline for the project that I have been working on 24/7 for the last couple of months got pushed out by a week or two.  This is good news to me because 99% of the work I needed to do is complete and at this point the ball is in other people’s courts.  That means I don’t have to work this weekend and, for the most part, my really ridiculous schedule of 10-14 hour days, 7 days a week, is done.  I need one more early morning (this morning) to finish a financial model I am working on for a meeting today, but after that, I think reasonable 10 hour days, 6 day weeks, will get me through the rest of this crunch time.  I should be able to manage that, cook all the food I need to cook (that is the only chore I’ve been able to maintain through all this), exercise regularly (I haven’t had time to exercise all week – and that is bad), and get enough sleep.  I am going to enjoy having a schedule that resembles normalcy.  Oh yeah, and there are a maximum of 4 ballgames left, with 2 potential ballgames being at home on Tuesday and Wednesday next week.  I am hoping that we don’t need a game 6 or a game 7, but if we do come home to play ball, I feel confident that we will have had at least one win in New York and our Royals and Johnny Cueto will finish them off on Tuesday.  I’m putting my money on the assumption that Johnny will come out ready to roll for game 6, just like he did for game 2.  That will be the last game of the season for him and after that he is on the market.  If he clinches the World Series for the Royals after the huge clinching game 5 of the ALDS and the huge game 2 of the World Series, I think he can name his price.  If he implodes in game 6 like he did in Toronto, he will still get a decent contract, but I think it will impact his marketability.  I’m no expert, but from what I’ve noticed I believe that when Johnny really wants it, he gets it.  He’ll want that win in game 6 as much or more than anyone else in Kansas City.  Despite all that, I’m still hoping a game 6 is unnecessary.

My food program is as solid as solid can be.  It feels as if there is very little to talk about when it comes to food these days.  I’m On Program and have no desire to eat or drink anything off program.  The only thing I kind of want sometimes is another cup of coffee when I get to work.  Honestly, I think that is just a security blanket kind of thing.  There is something reassuring about having a hot cup of coffee on my desk.  But I am avoiding coffee at work, altogether, and once the urge passes I am fine. 

This morning I found myself wondering what foods and drinks I have given up forever, in addition to sugar and sugar substitutes.  I don’t know the answer to that question.  I know that I am staying 100% On Program until February 1^st (I just picked that date, but it makes sense, that gives me 6 weeks of recovery after surgery with what I consider to be an optimal diet), but after February 1^st will I want to eat or drink off program foods?  I have no idea.  Sugar, sugar substitutes, and sweet treats have been eliminated from my diet forever.  But what about bread, wine, legumes, oatmeal, quinoa, rice and other such foods that are currently eliminated from my diet that are not sugar?  This is the quandary:  I feel great right now, 37 days into the Whole30, in spite of a ridiculous work load and not getting enough sleep or exercise.  I attribute that to my diet.  Why would I want to feel less good than I feel right now?  This is the second time that I have done the Whole30.  It made me feel just as good last time I did it.  Then I slowly let non-program foods slip into my diet.  The shift was subtle, but the decline in my wellbeing became noticeable.  Why then, would I change anything?  I like the food I’m eating, I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I can maintain my weight easily, eating like this.  It’s as if this program causes my body to be able to self-regulate food consumption at an optimum level.  It really is amazing.  Why on earth would I change a thing?  I have no idea.  But, this sounds so stupid but there is a “but,” it is easy to imagine being at a restaurant for a special occasion and eating a piece of bread or drinking a glass of wine.  I have no idea why I would want to do that, but I can imagine myself wanting to do that.  This is the sort of thing I need to think about.  I do know this, I am not addicted to bread or wine, I am addicted to sugar.  Therefore I must abstain from sugar for life but I don’t feel like a must abstain from other off program foods for life.  I will want to get this figured out before February 1^st.

I’ve got to run. 

Have a beautiful day.

10/29/15: The Royals are off to New York With a 2-0 Lead in the Series!

Days of abstinence: 36

Days until surgery: 48 

Weight:  162.4 pounds

Wow!  What a season it has been!  We may or may not get to go to another Royals baseball game this year, depending on whether or not the Royals can win two games in New York.  Worst case scenario, they come back to Kansas City for game 6 and maybe game 7.  It be fun to get to go to another ball game, but this fan wants them to win in New York.  Go Royals!

For my last month of ball games, I’ve been packing my good and water so that I would not be tempted to eat or drink off plan.  In fact, one of the last off plan days I had was at the ball park.  Now that I am 36 days into abstinence, I don’t find myself wishing I could eat or drink off program when I’m at a game.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  Yesterday, when we arrived, I felt a sense of relief that I would not be tempted by any of the food and drink.  We’re there to watch a ball game, after all, not eat dinner or get drunk.  It works just fine to pack food and water.  I sure feel better the next day for it.  And weigh less, too!

Speaking of weighing less, I am super pleased that I have started losing weight again.  I’ll be back in the 150s before I know it.  That will feel like a victory, even though at 159 I’ll still be 9 pounds from goal.  Being in the 150s just feels good.  I am glad that I am getting close.

Have a beautiful day!