11/21/15: WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!!

Days of abstinence: 59

Days until surgery: 23

Weight:  159.0 pounds

It’s been a whirlwind of a month!  At work:  The deal is on!  We are closing in a few days!  The deal is delayed.  We don’t know when we are closing.  The deal is on!  We’re closing at the end of the week.  The deal is delayed.  Are we going to close?  The deal is on – but different.  Ugh!!!  Hurry up!!  Stop!!!!!!!!!!  Go!! Wait a second!  Oh yeah, regular work stuff has to happen.  What??  Really?  Oh, and apparently I need to make more sacrifices.  Say what?  To say I am frustrated right now would be the understatement of the century.  I’ll do what I can do, but guess what.  In 23 days I will be out of the office for 3 weeks.  That’ll be interesting.  I already postponed this surgery once.  I am not going to postpone it again.  Life will go on at work, with or without me.

Are you tired of hearing about my sugar-free life yet?  I do have a problem.  Everyone is tired of hearing about it.  I wonder if all addicts go through this.  I’ve struggled all of my life with food.  From sneaking sweets out of the pantry when I was a kid to not being able to control portions and sneaking ice cream out of the freezer as a middle-aged woman.  I’ve dieted, I’ve done the Whole30 and every other diet known to woman.  I’ve lost weight.  I’ve gained weight.  I managed to maintain my weight for longish periods of time.  My weight has snuck back up.  I’ve lost weight again.  Through all of this I was always making hundreds of micro-decisions a day.  Eat this, don’t eat that, it’s ok to have a little bit, Whoa!  I said a little bit.  OK – I’m binging.  I’m stressed, had a bad day, it’s a party, who cares, anyway?  I care!  Crap.  Stop eating so much.  Shit, Roberta!  Stop it!!  OK, I’m back in control.  And on and on and on.  That has been my life when it comes to food.  It has been a constant, negative undercurrent of my life.  This addiction has impacted every day of my life, in a negative way, until 59 days ago. 

Then, and I know I am repeating myself – but this is MY blog and I get to do whatever I want – then Ruth texts me after reading my blog post in which I talk about sneaking food and says, “Have you thought about getting therapy for your food addiction?”

Double crap.  Triple crap!!  Really?!?!  Do I need to go there?  That text hit home.

So I did it.  I called my therapist from over a decade ago, made an appointment and spent an hour and $100 talking to Stan.

It was the best $100 I have ever spent.  During that session I came to terms with the fact that I am an addict and my addiction is sugar.  It took me a few more days to truly convince myself that I could never eat sugar again.  During those few days I felt sorry for myself.  I really did.  I thought it was sad, that I could never eat sugar again.  I thought I would miss it.  But I had to acknowledge that sugar is something that I cannot manage.  A little sugar today means more tomorrow and more the next day.  But it’s more than that.  A little sugar today makes managing my consumption of all food so much more difficult.  If I eat a little bit of sugar then all of a sudden I want to eat all of the time and it takes a great deal of will power to moderate my consumption to a reasonable amount.

I was lucky, I guess.  By the time I went to see Stan I had already been sugar free for a week, because I had restarted my Whole30 plan on September 23, 2015.  That was my first day of abstinence, by the way.  My session with Stan was on October 1, 2015.  So by the time I decided I was an addict and needed to never eat sugar again I was already sugar free for several days and had already gotten past the withdrawal symptoms.  That was helpful, because then all I had to deal with was the emotions that were swirling around about making this decision.  You know, feeling sorry for myself, and all.

I am here to say, that there is nothing more ridiculous than me feeling sorry for myself because, “I can’t eat sugar.”  Now that all of that is behind me and I have been sugar free for almost 60 days, I can honestly say that there is nothing special about eating sugar.  Nothing. 

I am astonished by how much my life has changed in 59 days.  I am dumbfounded by how much happier I am than I have ever been before.  Yes, I’ve gotten angry in the last couple of months.  I mean, shit happens.  I am an emotional person.  I get angry.  But I get over it.  Without sugar.  I’ve gotten sad, I’ve been frustrated, I’ve been tired, I’ve been worried, I’ve been anxious.  All of that.  In fact, it’s probably fair to say that my emotions have been fairly intense over the last couple of months.  I am an emotional person and I am sure sugar helped me take the peaks and valleys off of those emotions.  The interesting thing about the last couple of months, though, is that in spite of the stress and all of the emotions, my re-set to happy and content is a lot quicker after an emotional moment.  It’s as if I fully experience whatever it is I need to experience at the moment and then I get over it, emotionally.  I still may need to take action to fix something that was going wrong that caused me to get angry, frustrated, etc., but my emotions re-set quickly.  It’s almost as if by medicating myself with sugar I was dulling my emotions and dragging everything out.  It’s weird.  I can’t explain it.

I am so much better off without sugar in my life that there is no doubt in my mind: I will never eat it again.  Quite frankly, I am almost afraid of it.  This substance impacted me in ways that I never, ever imagined.  I kind of knew that it caused me to have food cravings.  I never knew it had such a grip on every aspect of my life.  It’s just sugar.  It wasn’t heroin or cocaine or opium or alcohol.  It was just sugar.  And it owned me.

I feel like I am living my life, now.  This is my life.  THIS IS MY LIFE!!  WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!  There are not enough capital letters or exclamation marks or words in this world to describe how transformative this decision has been.  Among other things, I am no longer angry at myself.  I don’t berate myself constantly.  Oh my god, this is liberating.  Yes, life is good.  It is so much better.

Over the last 59 days I’ve had plenty of opportunities to eat sweet treats.  I’ve baked.  I’ve gone to events.  I’ve taken a road trip.  You know what?  I am not even tempted.  I have no interest in sugar.  It’s not that I have to resist it or tell myself, “No.”  I just don’t want it. 

What’s really, really strange is I can’t even figure out why I would want to eat it.  Because it tastes good?  So what?  So does chicken cacciatore and beef stew.  So do scrambled eggs and home fries.  So does roasted pork with cabbage and pears.  So do lots of things. 

People say, “But sugar is in everything.”  Well, you know what?  No it’s not.  There is a huge difference between added sugar and sugar that occurs naturally in an apple; they are two different things.  I have no problem with fruit.  It’s the sugar that you add to the apple pie that I have a problem with.  There is no added sugar in a cow, pig, chicken, salmon, trout, carrot, Brussel sprout, coconut, cashew, or potato.  Nope.  None.  Sugar can be added in the cooking process, but it does not have to be added.  You do not need to add sugar, stevia, honey, maple syrup, or agave nectar to anything to make it taste good.  Good food tastes good without added sweeteners.  That’s a fact.  Who needs it?  Not me.  Not ever again.

I know this won’t be the last time I talk about how much my life has changed since I decided to never eat sugar ever again. And that word never is an incredibly important part of the previous sentence.  I've given up sugar for a period of time before.  When I did that, managing food was easier, but it did not change my life like this.  When I knew I was going to eat sugar again, some day, I didn't feel this freedom.  It is the decision to never eat sugar again that was so transformative.  I can’t help but talk about it.  My life has changed forever.  I am astonished.  My guess is that all recovering addicts come to this moment at some point in their recovery and they probably want to talk about it, too.  How can you not?  I’ll tell you what, I’ll be willing to listen to any recovering addict that wants to talk about it.  I get it.  You want to get on top of the tallest building and shout to the world how wonderful it is to be free.  Being an addict sucks.  Until you stop using.  After that, it’s not so bad.  I don’t mind that I’m an addict.  It’s fine.  Just like it’s fine that I have brown hair, greenish blue eyes, and moles on my face.  So what?  Those things don’t define me and my addiction does not define me.  Not anymore.  Thank goodness!!  Thanks Ruth!!  Thanks Jackie!!  Thanks to all of my friends and family that have supported me and loved me.  WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!  Yes, this has been an amazing two months.  I couldn’t be happier.

Have a beautiful day!!    

11/19/15: Getting Things Back to Normal

Days of abstinence: 57

Days until surgery: 25

Weight:  159.4 pounds

The kids left on Monday and you would think that would bring calm.  But, no, it’s a busy week, again.

I am the VP of our bowling league, and as such I am the chair of the audit committee and the prize fund committee.  I have delayed getting our first meetings called because of how busy I have been with work.  With my surgery quickly approaching, I knew I needed to get it done, so I scheduled the Audit Committee meeting for Tuesday evening and the Prize Fund Committee meeting for this evening.  I picked the league books up from the secretary last Wednesday and finally had time to start working on them after the kids left Monday evening.  So I spent a late night Monday, and early morning Tuesday, a late night Tuesday and another early morning Wednesday setting up a spreadsheet to track the ins and outs of the league account and combing through the books.  The good news is we have $23 too much!  Our secretary is very meticulous and tracks everything three different ways.  I do believe we have over collected in two instances so I gave the secretary my findings yesterday and will submit an audit report to the league next week.  It’s kind of nice to have a tidy little project like that to do!

This weekend I am taking a whirlwind trip up to Michigan to see my sister.  It will be nice to see Ruth, who, by the way, was just elected Mayor Protem of East Lansing.  I think that is so cool!  She said she is not interested in being Mayor permanently (or for a full term) because she doesn’t have time to be mayor.  Just the same, East Lansing is lucky to have such a smart and dedicated citizen as a city councilmember and Mayor Protem!

Food.  What do I have to say about food?  Not much, really.  After my slight transgression last weekend with a couple of ounces of cheese and a tiny bit of flour, which caused me two days of gut cramps and very loose stools, I am back to 100% Whole30 program foods.  That was enough to remind me that I really am sensitive to milk products and I should just stay away from them.  I don’t miss them at all, it was just easy to eat the snack that I had prepared for everyone else.  It’s good to have the reminder now and then, I guess. 

Food continues to regulate itself, now that I no longer eat sugar.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner.  That’s it.  No snacks.  Sometimes I think about eating between meals, usually it is when I am bored or frustrated with something.  I’ll think about eating something, look at the clock, see it is not time to eat, take a big drink of water, take a short walk through the office to fill my water glass and use the restroom, and then get back to work.  In those moments I am not hungry, nor am I having a craving.  I just think about eating to take my mind off of whatever is aggravating me at the moment.  The thought of food passes quickly and before I know it it’s time to eat my next meal.

I still feel like making the decision to quit sugar has been the single most important and impactful dietary decision I have ever made in my life.  I’m 57 days sugar free and I have never struggled less with food decisions.  In fact, I don’t struggle with food decisions at all anymore.  This is pretty awesome.

I guess I better get going.  There is work to do today.

Have a beautiful day.

11/16/15: No Cookies (or Cake or Brownies)!

Days of abstinence: 54

Days until surgery: 28

Weight:  159.8 pounds

I baked sea salt chocolate chip cookies before all of the kids arrived.  I did not eat any of them. Two of my grandchildren asked me if I would bake with them and I told them I would after dinner on Sunday.  So last night I baked cocoa buttermilk cupcakes with Sharlynne and I baked brownies with Taren.  I did not eat any of them, either.  I didn’t even lick the spoon!  It feels a little odd to bake something and not taste it before I serve it to others, but I was assured that both were delicious.  In fact, Sharlynne said the cupcakes were marvelous!  I see it as a real victory to get through these five days with a lot of visitors, cooking a lot every day, and even baking treats, and not eating any sugar at all!  Yeah!

I did go very slightly off of the Whole30 program and I am paying for it today in the form of stomach cramps and loose stools.  I ate two things off program in the last couple of days.  The first is cheese on the potato skins (I ate a couple on Saturday and a couple on Sunday) and the second is a little bit of flour in the gravy that I made for the mashed potatoes.  Oh, and there was whole butter and milk in the mashed potatoes.  I am not sure if the culprit causing the gut issues is wheat or dairy, but I am eliminating both today.   I guess considering the fact that I’ve been making pancakes, waffles, and baked goods, along with everything else for three meals a day for a large family, these minor deviations from the Whole30 aren’t bad.  It’ll feel good to be 100% on program again, though.

I can’t believe my surgery is only 28 days away.  Yikes!!  I might just freak out.

The kids will be up shortly and I need to make breakfast for them one last time before they hit the road, so I’m going to run.

Have a beautiful day.

11/15/15: It’s Been Busy Around Here!

Days of abstinence: 53

Days until surgery: 29

Weight:  ??? pounds

Everyone except Aaron arrived on Wednesday and Aaron arrived on Thursday.  Since then it has been non-stop action!  With 8 grandchildren and 6 adult children (including our daughter and son-in-law) visiting we have had a house full!  We’ve kept busy and have had a great time, including going to the park yesterday and playing kickball for a while.

I’ve been busy in the kitchen making breakfast for almost everyone every morning and dinner for everyone every night.  We did have one BBQ night from Joe's Kansas City, which was a big hit!  Yesterday was a relatively easy cooking day since we ate leftovers for lunch and dinner.  I overestimated how much everyone would eat so there was something leftover from every  meal.  It’s hard to judge how much to cook for a crowd when you don’t do it very often.  Also, the kids are a little unpredictable.  They’ll sit down to one meal and eat as if there is no tomorrow and the next day they’ll eat very little.  It has all worked out great though.  We made it through a lot of the leftovers yesterday and I froze several servings so that Jack and I can eat them later.  This afternoon will be the last big meal that I cook for the crew.

I’ve done well with sticking to plan.  I have not had any sugar, in spite of the cookies and ice cream and European chocolates that have been around the house.  I’ve stuck to my Whole30 plan with the exception of eating a few potato skins yesterday.  The only thing on them that is not part of my Whole30 plan is cheese.  All in all, my food program is solid.

I have not weighed myself since Thursday, but that’s because I have been pulling myself out of bed as the kids wake up and heading straight to the kitchen to start making breakfast.  I usually weigh myself prior to my shower and breakfast, but I am not getting my shower in until after everyone, including myself, is fed.  I’ll start weighing myself again on Tuesday.  I think I am eating a little more than normal, just because so much of my day is centered around food right now.  It is a lot of work to keep 14 people fed (I don’t have to feed the two babies.  J ). 

I can’t believe it is only 29 days until my surgery date!!  Yikes!!  It is quickly approaching!

Have a beautiful day!    

11/12/15: They’re Here!

Days of abstinence: 50

Days until surgery: 32

Weight:  159.8 pounds

Yes. They are here!!  All eight of our grandchildren!  We bowl on Wednesdays so I needed to leave the house just as some of the kids were showing up.  They pulled into the driveway as I was pulling out.  Jack didn’t bowl last night since he was picking people up from the airport and getting them settled in.  I missed the arrival of Andrew, Rebecca and their family.  But just as the third game was starting everyone showed up at the bowling alley.  It was super fun getting to show off all the grandbabies, from the youngest (Jordon, 6 weeks old) to the eldest (Annika, 11 years old).  I’ve never had the opportunity to introduce my grandchildren to my friends before.  It made my night.

All is well.  Blog posts will be short while the family is in town.  I’m sticking to program!

Have a beautiful day!

11/11/15: Into the One-Fifties!

Days of abstinence: 49

Days until surgery: 33

Weight:  159.6 pounds

I have very little time to blog this morning, but I wanted to put up a quick post to say that I weighed 159.6 pounds this morning!  Yeah!  It is awesome to be back in the 150s!  Actually, awesome is sort of an overstatement.  I was pleased to see the progress on the scale, but as I mentioned in yesterday’s blog post, I am much less focused on my weight these days.  I’ll weigh every day, probably forever.  I want to get to 150 and I will get to 150, but this just isn’t a struggle anymore.  I was talking to a friend at work yesterday about how much my attitude about food has changed since I stopped eating all forms of sugar.  She also struggles with her weight and with food.  She asked me this question, “Of all the things you’ve done, books you’ve read, diets you’ve gone on, would you say completely giving up sugar has had the biggest impact on how you deal with food?”  My answer to her was an emphatic, “Yes!”  I have done many, many programs and diets.  I have successfully lost weight on all of them.  I’ve gained weight back after most of them.  But giving up sugar completely, for life, has had the most dramatic impact on the way I think about and feel about food.  I think there are two very important components to that statement.  I gave up sugar completely, in all forms, in all things, natural and artificial.  I am going to clarify that a little, I gave up added sugar.  I still eat fruit and other foods that have naturally occurring sugar in them.  The other really important part of the statement is that I have given up sugar for life.  Forever.  And ever.  That very definitive part of the statement is the part that was the game changer.  This is not just until I get to my goal weight.  It’s forever.  That statement has allowed me to shut that door tightly, lock it, and never think about opening it again.  It’s for real.

I’ve been cooking all morning (Hey, it’s only 6:34AM, so I guess there is still plenty of morning left), but I officially have everything done that I wanted done before the kids get here!  Now I am headed to work for a few hours. 

Have a beautiful day!

11/10/15: My Scale is Such a Tease

Days of abstinence: 48

Days until surgery: 34

Weight:  160.0 pounds

After dropping from 162 to 160 overnight several days ago, my weight has fluttered around just above 160.  It’s not a big deal, I know one of these days I’ll see another drop in the scale to those coveted 150s as long as I am committed to my program, but it is a little annoying.  It feels like my scale is teasing me.  The really good news is plateaus on the scale no longer impact my commitment or resolve when it comes to my food plan.  My weight is still important to me and I still want to get to 150ish by my surgery date, but in reality my weight has much less impact on how I feel about myself than my diet does.  I feel 100% solid about my food program and I feel 100% solid about my commitment to never eat sugar again.  That’s what is important.  My weight is slowly but surely taking care of itself.  I’ll get there.  I know I will.  There are just a few things left in my closet that are still a little snug.  They will fit, soon.

I got through the cookie baking without eating a chocolate chip, licking a spoon, or eating a cookie.  I didn’t end up making oatmeal cookies with banana instead of eggs.  Our daughter-in-law said that our grandson with the egg allergy seems to be OK with eggs that are baked in cookies.  She suggested that if he does have a negative reaction to them, I can bake the oatmeal cookies with some of the older kids later in the week.  That seemed like a great plan!  It saved me some work last night, and I am running out of time.  Tonight we pick up the 15 passenger van that we rented (to make it easier to get the group around town) and tomorrow we check into the house at 2:00pm.  I have a little more prep work that I want to do in the kitchen, but we’re just about ready!  We can’t wait to see everyone.

Dr. Hodge’s nurse called me yesterday with the quote for the surgeon fees and Overland Park Surgery center.  It was more expensive than the quotes I have had from other doctors.  When I balked a little bit at the price, she said she would talk to the doctor and see if the fee could be reduced a little.  I feel weird asking a surgeon to lower his fee.  It doesn’t seem like I should bargain shop for plastic surgery.  But she made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal to ask, so we’ll see what she says, today.  Either way, I know that he is the one that I will schedule my procedure with.  Being comfortable with my surgeon is the most important thing.  I can’t believe that the surgery is barely over a month away!  Yikes!!

Have a beautiful day!