9/11/2016: This is a Forever Thing

Weight:  155.4
Exercise:  Today is my day off.  We are playing kickball this afternoon.  I'll try not to break anything.

I talked to my trainer about this at some length yesterday, and the conversation came up with my sister, too.  I am going to have to fight to keep my weight under control for the rest of my life.  There are times when the urge to eat more calories than I require for weight maintenance is completely overwhelming.  There are day when I'll think about food all day long.  Sometimes I'll get the idea of a certain kind of food stuck in my head and that's all I can think about.  Mostly, though, on days like this, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to eat anything and everything.  On some days, you can remove that word, "almost."  Based on what I've read recently about how the body changes after significant weight loss, this crazy urge to consume food is not a sign of weakness or addiction, it's caused by a change in the body's hormones and physiological make up.  For many years after significant weight loss, and perhaps forever, my body will be trying to gain back the weight it lost.  I don't just "feel" hungry, I really am hungry.  The hormones that suppress hunger are lower and the hormones that stimulate hunger are higher, because I lost a lot of weight.  These are not emotional or psychological cravings, these are physiological signals being sent to my brain saying, "I need to eat, now!"  Most of the time I can suppress these urges, sometimes I succumb to them.

When I succumb to the cravings, the other major factor playing into the fight to stay thin is the fact that I can't eat very much food without gaining weight.  If I eat between 1500 and 1600 calories a day, I will maintain my weight.  Any more than that, and I start gaining weight.  That's not a lot of food.  It's enough food that I feel satisfied after my meals, but there is nothing extra built in there.  If I indulge in anything outside of a normal meal, I will see a bump on the scale the next day.  I have to be ever-vigilant with my diet.

Coupled with the above facts is the fact that I got fat in the first place due to an over-consumption problem.  I ate too much because it made me feel good to eat.  Food is soothing.  Eating is something I want to do when I am stressed.  I have always liked to eat.

This is not a lost cause, though.  As difficult as it sounds, I know I will stay close to my ideal weight of 150 pounds forever.  It's going to be a fight, it already is a fight, but it is worth the fight.  I absolutely hate being fat.  I don't like the way I look or feel when I'm overweight.  When I am fat, everything hurts and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I feel gross and don't want to present myself to the world.  It's hard to do the physical things I really enjoy doing.  When I'm fat, I think about the damage I am doing to my body, how much harder I am making it work.  I think about how I'm damaging my circulatory system, my joints, and my brain.  I know it's bad for me and it depresses the hell out of me.

These negative thoughts don't just go away when I am at a healthy weight, they are completely reversed.  I am so much happier when I'm thin.  My feet don't hurt when I get out of bed in the morning.  My body doesn't ache.  I smell better, which I believe is an indication of better health.  I like getting dressed in the morning because my clothes fit and they look good on me.  I can do the things I like to do.  My body is strong and I can demand more from it.  It feels good to be alive. When I'm fat, I want to curl up in a ball in a corner and hide from the world.  When I'm thin I want go out and see what comes next.  Being healthy and thin changes my entire outlook on life.  It is worth the fight.  I will never give up.  I will weigh myself everyday.  I will eat too much on some days.  I will gain a little weight.  I will not beat myself up.  I will acknowledge that this is difficult.  I will get back on program.  I will not beat myself up.  That's worth repeating.

I'm going to keep fighting the good fight.

Have a good one out there!!