8/27/16: On Track and Thoughts About Surgery, Eight Months Later

Weight:  152.4

I am happy about being back on program!  The days are still rough.  I was hungry and had food cravings most of the day yesterday, which was day 5 without sugar.  That's the bad news (being hungry and having cravings is the bad news- not the no sugar).  The good news is that I have lost a couple of the pounds I gained over the previous 3 weeks and the bloated feeling is just about gone.  If I pay attention to my body, I know if I am treating it well or not.  I know with another week or so of discipline staying on program will become easy again.  I just need to stay the course.

It's been eight months and fourteen days since my "mommy makeover" surgery and I am finally beginning to understand the full impact that having the surgery is going to have on my life, in the long term.  For quite a while it was difficult for me to comprehend all of the ramifications of the surgery because the recovery took so long.  Now that I am 99% recovered, I am beginning to truly appreciate the long-term results of my decision to have this work done.  I am going to attempt to put into words how I feel about the surgery, at this point, both the good and bad.

I'll start with the bad, though bad is too strong of a word.  I'll start with the negatives, of which there are only two:

• The scars are real.  
• When you are sitting in the plastic surgeon's office flipping through the pictures of the women that have had this surgery, you see the scars; but you also see the before photos right next to the after photos.  When you see the after pictures of shapely, youthful breasts with a small vertical scar below the nipple next to the before pictures of long, deflated, pendulum breasts; that little scar seems completely inconsequential.   
• The same is true of the long scar just below the "bikini line" that is the result of the tummy tuck.  Yeah, you see the scar in the after photos, but the before photos, with all of the folds of sagging skin are so much worse that you say to yourself, "So what?  Who cares about a "little" scar if my tummy can look like that!"
• After surgery (AS), when you look in the mirror and the "old you" isn't standing right next to the "current you," you do see your flat belly and your youthful breasts, but you also see the scars. I'm not saying it is not worth it, the sagging skin was much, much worse.  Every now and then you have to dig out a before surgery (BS) photo and then you go, "Oh yeah, the scars are a HUGE improvement over that!"  It's all about perspective.  But the scars are real.  I do see them in the mirror.  I have one thick scar under my right arm that is about 2 inches long that I am still getting steroid shots in, now and then, to help it heal (the 1% that is not recovered completely).  The only reason I am even talking about the scars is to keep this real.  If you are contemplating this surgery, don't minimize the scars you will have afterward.  You will live with them for life.
• As a side note, I already had a cesarean section (and hysterectomy) scar.  I honestly didn't think the new scar would be much different, even though my surgeon said it would be longer.  I was wrong.  First, I couldn't see the old scar because my skin sagged so much that it completely covered up the existing scar. To see the scar I had to lift up my sagging skin.  Second, the new scar is much longer, it runs hip to hip.  It is much more eye-grabbing, if you know what I mean.
• The scars will continue to fade, a year from now they will be much less pronounced, but they will always be there.  It's OK.  Really it is.  I am not complaining.  I'm just saying that you can't ignore the fact that the scars are there.
• The recovery was long, much longer than I thought it would be.
• My surgeon told me that recovery would take 6 to 12 months.  I chose not to hear that. "No way," I said to myself, "will recovery take that long.  I'll bounce back faster than that.  I always do!"  Yeah, right.  Don't fool yourself.
• Every time I see my surgeon I mention how long the recovery is taking and he reminds me that I had a huge surgery.  He says, "Well, you had a lot of work done.  Recovery takes time.  You are doing great.  Just be patient."  Patience, it turns out, is not one of my strong suits.  This long recovery period has been difficult for me.
• The Internet is amazing. You can find a ton of information about plastic surgery in general and this surgery in particular, on the Internet.  Photos and stories from real people that have been through this are illuminating.  But the stories focus on that first few weeks AS, those hell weeks.  The first few weeks were difficult, but to me, they were not as difficult as I thought they would be.  Yeah, the drains were miserable.  Yeah, I was constipated from the pain medication.  Yeah, everything hurt.  Yeah, it was hard to sleep.  All of that is true, but that part didn't last very long.  As long as you don't try to do too much, you take your pain meds regularly, and follow doctor's orders, after about three weeks, the worst of it is over.  Then comes the long, slow slog to full recovery.
• That stage, that long, slow slog, took another 7 months.  I am just now feeling great.  It has taken me this long to get my body back into pretty good shape, and I am still not in as good of shape as I was BS.  I still can't run as far or do as many sit-ups.  I'm improving and I can tell I am going to get there, but I think my surgeon was right.  It'll be a full year until I am 100%.  This has been much, much more frustrating than I thought it would be.  I like being strong and fit and I find it incredibly frustrating to not be able to perform at the same level as I did BS.
• I was surprised how long it took AS to be able to start exercising again.  My surgeon said I could start exercising six weeks after surgery.  By exercise he meant going for walks. He did not mean lifting weights or running.  I could not start seriously running or doing weight training for over four months AS. Four months of inactivity wreak havoc on one's body.  I was going crazy in months three and four as I watched my muscles soften and lose shape.  I, the woman who claimed so adamantly 5 years ago that she hated exercise, was going nuts because I couldn't exercise.  Oh my god, you would have thought someone was torturing me, it bothered me so much.  I kept starting exercise programs and realizing it was too soon, and stopping again.  Yeah, that was really rough.
• Until I could really start exercising again and start getting my muscle tone back, I could not truly appreciate the results of the surgery.  Now I can.

This brings us to the positives, which far, far outweigh the negatives:

• I like looking in the mirror.
• The saddlebags are gone.  I hardly ever talk about the fact that I had liposuction on my outer thighs because I keep forgetting about it, mostly because there are no noticeable scars.  I couldn't stand those pockets of fat on my thighs.  It didn't matter how much weight I lost or how much I exercised, those pockets of fat would not go away.  In fact, the better shape I got in, the worse they looked because the rest of my leg would get lean and smooth and then there were these significant bulges sticking out on my upper thighs.  I'd put on a pair of jeans or a skirt that fit and all I'd see were those damn saddlebags.  They're gone now.  My thighs are smooth. It's impossible to describe how good that feels.  This is something I could not fix on my own, it needed intervention.  
• My tummy is flat and I no longer have to hide it behind just the right clothes.  I have a waist.  Clothes fit.  I'll talk more about this later.
• My breasts are cute. This is a big deal, a much bigger deal than I thought it would be. My breasts developed and got large when I was young, too young.  They've always been heavy and large and I have always been self conscious about them.  Two babies and a 100 pound weight gain just made it so, so much worse.  BS my breasts were two sacks of loose skin that I stuffed into a 36DD bra.  The bra was the right size, but this is not a comfortable way to live.  When your bra holds you up and compresses your breasts against your chest, you can't wait to get it off at the end of the day.  Of course, when you take your bra off, your breasts hang down to almost your belly button.  Ugh.  Now I wear a 34D bra, and it fits comfortably.  
• Clothes fit so much better.
• Tops, bras, pants, underpants, skirts, dresses:  you name it, it fits better.  Not only do clothes fit better, they are so much more comfortable.  The waist band of pants don't dig into my flesh.  My bras fit over my breasts, instead of holding up and compressing my breasts.  This means bras are comfortable.  You have no idea how much difference this makes in my everyday life, but it is huge.  I am no more or less comfortable in a bra than out of a bra.  Sometimes when I am home I don't wear a bra just because there is no reason to put one on.  In the past when I was home I didn't wear a bra because they were so damn uncomfortable and I couldn't wait to get them off.  My bra straps don't dig into my shoulders anymore.  I no longer have pain in my right shoulder.  This is a pretty big deal.
• I can wear just about whatever I want to wear.  When I go shopping for clothes, I am not trying to hide anything.  If something is the right size, I can wear it.  So now, I look for things that I think are fun and attractive, rather than looking for clothes that hide my belly, my chest, my substantial bra, or my saddlebags.  I find it interesting that when I show someone a before photo of my belly they can't believe that was my belly right BS. That tells me I was doing a pretty effective job hiding it.
• I am looking forward to finding "my style."  I know what I want my style to be, I want it to be playful and fun, maybe even a tad "inappropriate" for a woman "my age."  I am not sure what all the means yet, but I sure am having fun figuring it out.
• I finally feel like an athlete.
• I've been told before that I am an athlete.  In the last 10 years I have gone on 4 bike rides that were over 500 miles long.  I participated in an almost Olympic length triathlon.  I exercise 5 to 6 times a week.  I play kickball and bowl and in general train hard and keep myself fit.  But I couldn't wear the mantle of "athlete."  My body just didn't fit that image.  I'd look in the mirror and see fat.  That colored everything.  Now I look in the mirror and see the muscle tone in my legs and arms, I see my abdominal muscles, and I see the curve of my waist.  I put on clothes and I look fit and trim.  I look at myself and think, "Yeah, I can see it now.  Athlete fits."  This is the first time in my life that I could identify with that word, and it feels amazing.
• I can see the results of my hard work, or lack thereof.
• As I discussed in yesterday's blog post, I can see and feel a couple of extra pounds.  This has made a huge difference in my desire and willingness to stay the course when it comes to my food program.  I have no idea how many times over the next 50 years I will stray from what I know is good for me, but I am confident that I will not stray for long.  I don't like it when my belly gets a little round or when my waist thickens.  Three or four pounds is all it takes to see a difference.  Before, it was more like 15 or 20.  My motivation to eat well and exercise regularly is much, much higher than it was before.
• Exercising is more comfortable.
• I can wear exercise gear that is comfortable, including bras.  My breasts don't bounce around nearly as much.  I don't sweat under the folds of skin.  It makes it easier to get out there and get it done.

In summary, everyday is a better day.  I am a happier person.  I feel more powerful, if that makes sense.  I don't try to hide my body anymore.  I feel like I look the way I ought to look, given how hard I work on my exercise program and how disciplined I am with my diet.  Before, I worked my ass off and I still had all that extra flesh that I had to deal with.  Now I work my ass off and it shows.  It makes being disciplined so much more rewarding.  I decided to become disciplined for my long term health and well being, which, theoretically, had nothing to do with the way I looked.  But I couldn't not see all that extra skin hanging from my body.  I debated doing this for years.  I can honestly say that I am very glad I had this surgery done.  It has changed my life.  It has changed me.  I am so much more comfortable in my own skin. It was 100% worth it!