Days of abstinence: 59
Days until surgery: 23
Weight: 159.0 pounds
It’s been a whirlwind of a month! At work:
The deal is on! We are closing in
a few days! The deal is delayed. We don’t know when we are closing. The deal is on! We’re closing at the end of the week. The deal is delayed. Are we going to close? The deal is on – but different. Ugh!!!
Hurry up!! Stop!!!!!!!!!! Go!! Wait a second! Oh yeah, regular work stuff has to happen. What??
Really? Oh, and apparently I need
to make more sacrifices. Say what? To say I am frustrated right now would be the
understatement of the century. I’ll do
what I can do, but guess what. In 23
days I will be out of the office for 3 weeks.
That’ll be interesting. I already
postponed this surgery once. I am not
going to postpone it again. Life will go
on at work, with or without me.
Are you tired of hearing about my sugar-free
life yet? I do have a problem. Everyone is tired of hearing about it. I wonder if all addicts go through this. I’ve struggled all of my life with food. From sneaking sweets out of the pantry when I
was a kid to not being able to control portions and sneaking ice cream out of the freezer as
a middle-aged woman. I’ve dieted, I’ve
done the Whole30 and every other diet known to woman. I’ve lost weight. I’ve gained weight. I managed to maintain my weight for longish
periods of time. My weight has snuck
back up. I’ve lost weight again. Through all of this I was always making
hundreds of micro-decisions a day. Eat
this, don’t eat that, it’s ok to have a little bit, Whoa! I said a little bit. OK – I’m binging. I’m stressed, had a bad day, it’s a party,
who cares, anyway? I care! Crap.
Stop eating so much. Shit,
Roberta! Stop it!! OK, I’m back in control. And on and on and on. That has been my life when it comes to
food. It has been a constant, negative
undercurrent of my life. This addiction
has impacted every day of my life, in a negative way, until 59 days ago.
Then, and I know I am repeating myself – but this
is MY blog and I get to do whatever I want – then Ruth texts me after reading
my blog post in which I talk about sneaking food and says, “Have you thought
about getting therapy for your food addiction?”
Double crap.
Triple crap!! Really?!?! Do I need to go there? That text hit home.
So I did it.
I called my therapist from over a decade ago, made an appointment and
spent an hour and $100 talking to Stan.
It was the best $100 I have ever spent. During that session I came to terms with the
fact that I am an addict and my addiction is sugar. It took me a few more days to truly convince myself
that I could never eat sugar again.
During those few days I felt sorry for myself. I really did.
I thought it was sad, that I could never eat sugar again. I thought I would miss it. But I had to acknowledge that sugar is
something that I cannot manage. A little
sugar today means more tomorrow and more the next day. But it’s more than that. A little sugar today makes managing my
consumption of all food so much more difficult.
If I eat a little bit of sugar then all of a sudden I want to eat all of
the time and it takes a great deal of will power to moderate my consumption to
a reasonable amount.
I was lucky, I guess. By the time I went to see Stan I had already
been sugar free for a week, because I had restarted my Whole30 plan on
September 23, 2015. That was my first
day of abstinence, by the way. My
session with Stan was on October 1, 2015.
So by the time I decided I was an addict and needed to never eat sugar
again I was already sugar free for several days and had already gotten past the
withdrawal symptoms. That was helpful,
because then all I had to deal with was the emotions that were swirling around about making this decision. You know, feeling
sorry for myself, and all.
I am here to say, that there is nothing more
ridiculous than me feeling sorry for myself because, “I can’t eat sugar.” Now that all of that is behind me and I have
been sugar free for almost 60 days, I can honestly say that there is nothing
special about eating sugar. Nothing.
I am astonished by how much my life has changed
in 59 days. I am dumbfounded by how much
happier I am than I have ever been before.
Yes, I’ve gotten angry in the last couple of months. I mean, shit happens. I am an emotional person. I get angry.
But I get over it. Without
sugar. I’ve gotten sad, I’ve been frustrated,
I’ve been tired, I’ve been worried, I’ve been anxious. All of that.
In fact, it’s probably fair to say that my emotions have been fairly
intense over the last couple of months.
I am an emotional person and I am sure sugar helped me take the peaks
and valleys off of those emotions. The
interesting thing about the last couple of months, though, is that in spite of
the stress and all of the emotions, my re-set to happy and content is a lot
quicker after an emotional moment. It’s
as if I fully experience whatever it is I need to experience at the moment and
then I get over it, emotionally. I still
may need to take action to fix something that was going wrong that caused me to
get angry, frustrated, etc., but my emotions re-set quickly. It’s almost as if by medicating myself with
sugar I was dulling my emotions and dragging everything out. It’s weird.
I can’t explain it.
I am so much better off without sugar in my life
that there is no doubt in my mind: I will never eat it again. Quite frankly, I am almost afraid of it. This substance impacted me in ways that I
never, ever imagined. I kind of knew
that it caused me to have food cravings.
I never knew it had such a grip on every aspect of my life. It’s just sugar. It wasn’t heroin or cocaine or opium or
alcohol. It was just sugar. And it owned me.
I feel like I am living my life, now. This is my life. THIS IS MY LIFE!! WOW WOW WOW WOW!!! There are not enough capital letters or
exclamation marks or words in this world to describe how transformative this decision
has been. Among other things, I am no
longer angry at myself. I don’t berate
myself constantly. Oh my god, this is
liberating. Yes, life is good. It is so much better.
Over the last 59 days I’ve had plenty of
opportunities to eat sweet treats. I’ve
baked. I’ve gone to events. I’ve taken a road trip. You know what? I am not even tempted. I have no interest in sugar. It’s not that I have to resist it or tell
myself, “No.” I just don’t want it.
What’s really, really strange is I can’t even
figure out why I would want to eat it.
Because it tastes good? So
what? So does chicken cacciatore and
beef stew. So do scrambled eggs and home
fries. So does roasted pork with cabbage
and pears. So do lots of things.
People say, “But sugar is in everything.” Well, you know what? No it’s not.
There is a huge difference between added sugar and sugar that occurs
naturally in an apple; they are two different things. I have no problem
with fruit. It’s the sugar that you add
to the apple pie that I have a problem with.
There is no added sugar in a cow, pig, chicken, salmon, trout, carrot, Brussel
sprout, coconut, cashew, or potato.
Nope. None. Sugar can be added in the cooking process,
but it does not have to be added. You do
not need to add sugar, stevia, honey, maple syrup, or agave nectar to anything
to make it taste good. Good food tastes
good without added sweeteners. That’s a
fact. Who needs it? Not me.
Not ever again.
I know this won’t be the last time I talk about how much my life has changed since I decided to never eat sugar ever again. And that word never is an incredibly important part of the previous sentence. I've given up sugar for a period of time before. When I did that, managing food was easier, but it did not change my life like this. When I knew I was going to eat sugar again, some day, I didn't feel this freedom. It is the decision to never eat sugar again that was so transformative. I can’t help but talk about
it. My life has changed forever. I am astonished. My guess is that all recovering addicts come
to this moment at some point in their recovery and they probably want to talk
about it, too. How can you not? I’ll tell you what, I’ll be willing to listen
to any recovering addict that wants to talk about it. I get it.
You want to get on top of the tallest building and shout to the world
how wonderful it is to be free. Being
an addict sucks. Until you stop
using. After that, it’s not so bad. I don’t mind that I’m an addict. It’s fine.
Just like it’s fine that I have brown hair, greenish blue eyes, and
moles on my face. So what? Those things don’t define me and my addiction
does not define me. Not anymore. Thank goodness!! Thanks Ruth!!
Thanks Jackie!! Thanks to all of
my friends and family that have supported me and loved me. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!! Yes, this has been an amazing two
months. I couldn’t be happier.
Have a beautiful day!!