11/8/15: Starting to Freak Out a Little

Days of abstinence: 46

Days until surgery: 36

Weight:  160.0 pounds

I can’t believe this surgery is only 36 days away.  There was a time, not all that long ago, when I swore I would never have an elective surgery.  But here I go, anyway.

I have had a few surgeries in my life and recovered from all of them well.  That fact has played a role in my decision to go forward with this procedure.  If I had a lot of difficulty with prior surgeries, or if I had no experience with surgery, I might not be doing this.  The major surgeries I have had are 1) a C-section with baby number one; 2) throat and nasal surgery to cure sleep apnea when I was 40 (This was, technically, a voluntary surgery, too.  The surgeon removed my tonsils, adenoids, uvula, part of my soft palate, and tissue in my sinuses.  Yes, my sleep apnea was cured and I no longer snore.  This was not just a good result, it was a miraculous result.); 3) a hysterectomy in conjunction with removing an ovarian torsion (and ladies, you don’t know pain until you have had an ovarian torsion).

After each one of these surgeries my recovery went smoothly and the results were as good as or better than expected.  My body heals relatively quickly and scarring from surgery is not excessive.  The pain has always been manageable.  I feel confident that I will manage this surgery well, too.  But I am still anxious.  Who wouldn’t be?

That said, I know I am doing the right thing at the right time.   I started the process of interviewing surgeons this spring.  I really thought I was done yo-yoing.  I weighed around 158 pounds at the time, after dropping about 20 pounds that I had gained back.  I felt so much conviction to never gain weight again.  I knew I was done with it.

Then, the summer from hell at work happened.  I felt very stressed all summer long.  I responded by eating too much.  Mostly, I increased my consumption of candy and other sweet treats.  I gained 10 pounds back.  Again.  Ugh.  I found myself wanting to sneak treats.  Sneak treats???  Really??? I’m 53 years old!!!  I don’t need to sneak anything.  No one cares what I eat.  No one but me, that is.  I can’t hide what I eat from myself.  That was the turning moment.  I blogged about the fact that I wanted to sneak sweet treats and my sister Ruth said (via text message, mind you), “Have you consider seeking therapy for your food addiction?”  Damn!  Really?  Do I really have to face this demon head on?

I am so glad I did.  After one therapy session, a lot of agonizing, and a bit of dedicated blogging; I have owned the fact that I am a sugar addict.  I have committed to giving up sugar in all of its forms (natural or artificial) for life.  Since then, I have slowly but surely been dropping weight at about the rate of 5 pounds a month.  More importantly, I am no longer struggling with food.  I just eat less.  Quitting sugar (for life) has transformed the way I respond to all food.  I feel more comfortable than I ever have about the ability to maintain a healthy weight.  But when I look in the mirror and see that flabby belly hanging over my C-section scar, my upper abdomen protruding over my belly button, and the large pendulum breasts just swinging away; I want to cry.  It’s as if all the hard work is for nothing.  It is amazing the damage that being overweight has done to the outside of my body.  I can only imagine how hard it was on the inside of my body.  I want these visual reminders of that excess weight to be gone.  I want to feel good in my own skin.  I know when I get my tummy and breasts fixed I will feel more confident.  I’ve thought about doing something like this for years.  Finally, I’m doing it.

I am anxious, but I am also excited.  December 14^th will be here before I know it.  I’m looking forward to blogging about being “on the flat side.”

Have a beautiful day!!