10/3/2012: Transformations

Morning Weight:  167.4
Morning Exercise:  Strength Training - See Monday, October 1st.
Yesterday Evening Exercise:  More house cleaning - scrubbed the kitchen floor, worked up a pretty good sweat, actually.  I count it as good as a walk. 

Today's musings:  Starting next Wednesday I will have a new personal trainer.  To keep matters confusing, his name is Jeremy, too.  In fact, I think his name is Jeremy Wallers and my current trainer's name is Jeremy Walters.  At least when I say "Jeremy" everyone will know it means "Personal Trainer."

Jeremy Walters accepted a position at a new gym in Lee's Summit.  It was tempting to consider switching gyms, he is impressed with the facility and the management of the gym, but there are two reasons 24 Hour Fitness works so well for me: first, it is very close to my house and second, it's open 24 hours.  I really do like getting to the gym before 5:00 in the morning.  It's not very crowded, I can use the equipment I want to use, and I am home by 6:00 or 6:10 and have time to enjoy my morning before going to work.  Also, based on the information that I found on-line, Jeremy's new gym does not have a pool and I need a pool to train for the triathlon.

Jeremy Wallers and I had a brief discussion this morning and we set up our first training session for next Wednesday.  He regularly competes in marathons and triathlons and other events and his eyes lit up when I told him that I am training for my first triathlon this summer.  I am sure the transition will go well and I'm not too worried about it.  I've enjoyed working with Jeremy Walters, but life goes on.  We will have our final training session together on Friday.

I told Jack last night that I am sort of in a state of shock.  It's hard for me to believe that I am so close to my targeted goal weight of 150lbs.  Each morning I get up, weigh myself, and stare at the scale; trying to comprehend the fact that I've lost another four tenths of a pound and that, yes, in a couple of months I will no longer be trying to lose weight.  I'll be doing a lot of other things, namely training for next summer's triathlon, which will include a lot of exercise and eating with the purpose of getting leaner, rather than lighter, but I won't be trying to lose weight anymore.  I know for a fact that I'll weigh 150lb or less on December 31, 2012; that is not a conditional statement.  There aren't any, "If this happens or if that doesn't happens," in that statement.  I'll get there, I know it, it's a fact.  And for some reason it's a fact that is taking a while for me to digest and get used to.  Maybe it's because the last time I lost weight I got to the mid-170s and got stuck, and then got derailed by my surgery.  Maybe it's because I can't remember the last time I was in the 160s.  But I think it is a lot more than that.  I have never, ever had the attitude that I have now about clothes.  As I mentioned before, if I put something on and it looks like crap because it's too big, I take it off and throw it in a pile to take to Goodwill.  I no longer store bigger clothes, "Just in case."  "Just in case," is no longer an option.  My entire mindset about who I am, physically, has changed.  I don't feel like a fat woman that has lost weight (as in, I am still a fat woman that happens to be not-so-fat at the moment), I feel like a fit woman, perhaps even an athlete in the making. 

I think it all stems back to my 50th birthday.  If you were reading my blog back then (May 3rd, 2012), you may recall the moment of clarity that I had when I realized that the first half of my life was over and I was starting the second half of my life with a clean slate.  I recall that moment vividly, as if it happened this morning, and I think that moment will be one of my indelible memories for life.  It was so liberating.  In that moment, as Jack and I were walking to The K, about to watch the Royals beat the Yankees, I knew that the first half of my life was behind me.  My difficult childhood, the mistakes that I made as a young adult, the marriages that did not work out, the professional missteps, the hurts that I caused other people as I plundered my way through those first 50 years; those things were all done and behind me.  My kids are grown and moving on with their adult lives.  They are both fascinating people, so different from one another, yet the same.  So different from me, yet others and I can see similarities.  I am in a healthy and satisfying marriage.  I love my husband and he loves me.  I am so comfortable with Jack, our relationship is so safe for me.  Never in my life have I felt so secure with someone.  I know you read in relationship columns, etc... that it is healthy to have some secrets from your partner.  I have to say that I don't believe that.  Jack knows everything.  I tell him everything.  No matter how stupid I've been or how bone-headed a move I make, it just spills out of me when Jack and I start talking.  He never judges, sometimes he laughs, but mostly he just nods his head and understands.  It is so liberating to have this freedom to be me, 100% authentically me.  The flip side of that coin (and there is always a flip side) is that I am 100% accountable for myself.  If I don't like my life at any given moment, there is nowhere for me to look but in the mirror.

But that's where the strength comes from, from looking in the mirror and acknowledging this is my life and I need to do the things that I believe are important to me.  Those first 50, difficult, sometimes harsh, years are done.  Yes, they made me who I am today, but I can't blame today's happiness or unhappiness on something that happened 40 years ago.  I'm over that.  Completely and totally over it.  Those first 50 years are now in a box, taped shut and they have been put in the basement.  Oh sure, I've kept a couple of highlight reels that I may look at now and then and share with other people, but they're just stories to tell, memories to share.  That's all.

I no longer need to eat to stuff my feelings.  I no longer need to hide behind a fat facade.  I no longer need to pretend that I am not interested in being strong and fit.  I no longer need to be afraid of being attractive.  It's all different, dramatically different, than it was, even one year ago.  My 50th birthday was a watershed moment for me.  It was the event that allowed me to see that all of the hard work that I have been doing with therapy, loving my children, seeking the right career, searching for and finding the best partner for me, has all paid off.  That I am now the woman that I want to be and love being.  This transformation goes deep into my psyche, it's not just physical.  That's the difference.  The transformation is real and it's here to stay!